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-   -   Parents not allowing me to date this girl - Need advice (http://forum.e46fanatics.com/showthread.php?t=729624)

hummermaniac88 12-26-2009 10:48 PM

Parents not allowing me to date this girl - Need advice
Greetings, so not very usual of me to write about this kind of stuff online, but friends are asleep, family hates me and feeling kinda down, so here we go. Please no stupid comments, maybe funny ones are fine but stupid comments would not help right now.

Background info:

I work at my parents restaurant on the weekends as a guy that just manages the schedules and deals with small problems and questions that arises during the night. I live with my parents, drive their cars, honestly they supply me everything I need as long I as I am in school. I am currently attending university and finishing my degree in about 1 year. I am from a Asian background, both parents are immigrant Chinese traditional background. Currently 21 should in the work force by 22 max 23. I never dated, not really looking for girls for the sake of saying I have a girlfriend. Always looking for the girl that fits my description as a perfect girl.

Shes 18 working at my parents restaurant as a hostess. She works well. Fits my criteria of a perfect girl.

1. Didn't have much boyfriends before.
2. Non smoking and drug using.
3. From a good family.
4. Not a *****.

Well she fits them all and I can tell she is deeply in love with me. Her parents like me. French Canadian background. Very nice girl in my book. She is attending school has decent grades, the lot.


We have discovered that we both like each other and wanted to start dating. I knew my parents are not too fond of 2 things.

1. Dating non Chinese girls.
2. Dating an employee of the restaurant.

Well I have just offended both these rules. Both of my parents are not happy that I am dating her, and they truly believe that she would ruin my future (Don't know why, but will ask at a better time). I guess they believe that she is a girl that only in love with me because she believe that we are wealthy. Punch line is tonight they pretty much told me you can chose your parents or that girl. Well I do not fully understand why they believe that she is not the right girl for me, I feel they are quite intruding my rights of choices. My life has been planned out by my parents, I do not get much choices, I have never fought back to their controlling manners, but this time I feel that they have pushed my limits. Why? you may ask. Point form!

1. They cannot fully explain their reasoning why this girl is not right for me.
2. Very offensive this time around making my choices.
3. I am 21, never ever remembered once saying no to something my parents want me accomplish, even thought its not in my interest. Why can't they be flexible once?
4. I actually like this girl.
5. Can't explain this one, but Russel Peters has a joke that sums it up quite well. "My mom wanted to pick my wife, I don't even let my mom pick my clothes!"
6. Isn't this one of the things I have to decide and not them?
7. I had the option of not telling them and have the best of both worlds, but I chose to respect them because I truly believed that if I respect them, they might be grateful and respect my decision but....no.

Options that in consideration:

1. Listen to them and punch myself in the go-nads.
2. Go out with her secretly, which she agreed to before I discussed with my parents.
3. Alternative to plan 2 is to secretly date for a year and if everything is serious, give up my MSC in finance and just intern and move out with her.
4. Not fond of this one, but growing on me, being very rebellious and just do whatever I want like its no body's business.

Please let me know your experiences and solutions that worked for you. If you're coming from a Chinese family with the same type of parents, please give you insight.

I am keeping an open mind to this, but honestly I am very depressed and very disappointed about my parents.

killahkay559 12-26-2009 11:01 PM

i say go with option 3. and good luck

nawmean? 12-26-2009 11:02 PM

**** *****es get money

oh and there's tons more girls

jailonacs99 12-26-2009 11:02 PM

You are 21. Be a man now, or you never will be.

Mike Larry 12-27-2009 12:49 AM

im chinese from a traditional chinese family and im dating a black chick. my parents arent crazy about it, but it's your life. listen to your parents advice, evaluate it, and then take the path that you think is best for yourself. and when i mean to evaluate what your parents think, i mean REALLY evaluate it. theyre probably smarter than you.

xFalleNx330Ci 12-27-2009 12:50 AM


Originally Posted by jailonacs99 (Post 11090095)
You are 21. Be a man now, or you never will be.

:werd: troof ^

mach330 12-27-2009 01:04 AM

agreed on the above posts. you're 21 and you should make your own decision. with that...you only have one set of parents and girls will come and go. you really have to evaluate the situation as i can honestly say back when i was in my early 20's my parents knew what the heck they were talking about. but you have to make your own decision and your own mistakes. good luck. if she's worth all the soon to be drama that will come with dating her. it's only up to you if it's worth it.

hummermaniac88 12-27-2009 01:25 AM

Thanks for all the insights! I feel like everyone is making an assumption of my parents the kind that allows me to own anything I want, object matter. Well from my point of view, they are very strict.

To put this into perspective they have not allowed me to do somethings that regular middle class parents would find ordinary.

1. Donate blood.
2. They have actually selected my friends and have used financial threats to ban me from meeting people from school.
3. Go out to car meets.
4. They have prohibited me from talking to some of the employees at work because they believe they are "negative".

I truly believe they do not trust me, they are quite patronizing from my perspective. Everything i do and say must be approved by them or modeled to their liking. Am I childish for thinking such?

Moreover, I believe they are quite hypocritical, which is primarily the reason why I am not fully buying their ideas on dating. They emphasize on the fact that dating at such a "young age" (21) only lets me meet girls that would "waste" my time. Fact - My parents met when they were 18. They believe that if they cannot perform well in school and dropped out because of dating (Both are high school educated) assumes that I can't either, but I believe I am rightful in saying I can and have because I have accelerated in a province with the highest drop out rates and is on the verge of graduating with much much more distractions than their era.

JonJon 12-27-2009 01:31 AM

You're 21 and still don't understand that you are your own person?

Man up dude. I honestly kept asking myself if you still breast feed as I was reading your "situation"

I was out on my own at 16 making my own decisions (good and bad), but living my own life.

Tremorz 12-27-2009 01:56 AM

let the girl go, theres plenty more out there, take the free ride, get the degree, get the baller job, get money, f*ck b*tches.

kushy 12-27-2009 04:06 AM


Originally Posted by Tremorz (Post 11090611)
let the girl go, theres plenty more out there, take the free ride, get the degree, get the baller job, get money, f*ck b*tches.


Remember that you have to live life for yourself, not for your parents. Otherwise you will never be happy. Good luck.

daedalus34r 12-27-2009 12:16 PM

I can understand where your parents are coming from, they want whats best for you. My folks are south asian immigrants and they have that "marry an indian or the world ends" mentality.

I noticed one of your options is suprising: #3, give up your education and move in the with girl. WHATEVER you do, do not compromise your education. Dont let a girl ruin your future career potential.

My advice would be just to see her secretly until you can secure a job/housing independently then do whatever you want.

hummermaniac88 12-27-2009 12:24 PM

^ Thanks for the input, I meant not to give up my education right away. But to finish my bachelors and to see if we are serious and then delay or not do my MSC in finance.

1TEXM3 12-27-2009 12:53 PM

i understand your parents from the perspective that culturally, they have different systems of beliefs. however, you are obviously americanized and growing up, struggled with the cultural differences that existed. i saw this in my neighbor, my age, who's family is japanese. they never understood "our" ways and he rebelled constantly. now older, they are accepting. i do not think your family would disown you but they may be upset in the beginning. this is something they need to work on... not you. if you truly like this girl, you should see her. bottom line. parents only want what is best for their children... or what they think is best. however, you are the one in the shoes of decisions... not them. at 21, you are an adult and must make decisions based on what YOU believe. obviously you hear your parents out and take their advice to the best that you can but compromise with them too. that is the only way to gain experience and see what the real world is like. so what if you must leave the restaurant to work PT... focus on school and the girl.... she will understand the dilemna you are in but also find strength in your character if you do what you feel is right and not live under the control of mom and dad. and most likely, mom and dad will change over time. you should hear out all but do as you find fit....

my belief in life is simple, yet strong: "I am the master of my fate;I am the captain of my soul." Invictus, William Ernest Henley

bmwTuner1 12-27-2009 01:32 PM

Okay, I see what your problem is. You never said no to your parents. My parents were Also very strict growing up (14/15) so I rebelled by doing things anyway. I do think rebelling with for a girl is a no go though and if they had let you date more you'd realize this by now. So you see young grasshopper, a girl is not worth pausing school over. I know you said this wouldn't happen immediately but it's not a smart choice at any point in your career. At this point I'd have to say, date her secretely and keep doing your thing. Word of advice, no googlie eyes or playful touching at work. If it doesn't work out for some reason remember to be grown up and continue to work professionally.

I'm 22 btw :P

HellFish 12-27-2009 02:08 PM

I like option 4. Tell your parents to shove it.

mvrk10256 12-27-2009 02:15 PM

lol. go with option 1 cause you apparently have no nads. your 21, for ****s sake. i did this **** when i was like 12, sometimes parents just need to shove it.

Chris-TK 12-27-2009 02:16 PM


Nick E46 12-27-2009 02:37 PM

Women come and go. I say secretly date her and just go with the flow. Do not plan your future with an 18 year old girl that you don't really know.

zikhkd 12-27-2009 03:13 PM

date her secretly, when you get bored of her, get your parents to hire new workers.

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