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-   -   Kind of on the fence here (http://forum.e46fanatics.com/showthread.php?t=881351)

HellFish 10-21-2011 12:13 PM

Kind of on the fence here
 
I have talked about this situation before but cliff notes..

Been dating this girl for about a year and I only have positive things to say about her - gets along with my family, we never fight, we have fun together, we enjoy the same stuff, she couldn't be a nicer person etc... I am 26 btw and she's around the same age.

Only problem is - I just don't feel that deep attraction to her. I don't know if I can say "I love you". We've been dating for about a year and I kind of feel like if I don't feel that way by now, I don't think I will. I hate to break up with someone that is so great on paper but I am just not sure... And if you have to ask if its the right person its not... right?

For you married people - is that deep emotional connection essential for a marriage to work?

I have already broken up with her once about 5 months ago because of the same feelings but we got back together in the hopes of developing that deeper level of chemistry. I still don't feel it. She was devastated the first time I broke up with her... my stomach is churning over doing it again.

In the end I hate to lose someone that is such a great partner, and would make a great life partner... its just the attraction and emotional connection. What is weird is I find her physically attractive, but still not "attracted to her"... That is weird to me.

HellFish 10-21-2011 01:16 PM

I was reading some stuff online and found this... Thought it summed up my situation greatly.

Quote:

It's often the case that one person puts more energy, desire, and expectation into the relationship while the other kind of hangs out comfortably, going about life and waiting for the partner's next round of complaints. This can go on for a very long time-so long that you'll be dead at the end of it. It's much better to partner up with someone with whom you share a deep connection. As far as your questions go: A great guy, job, house, and dog are definitely enough to lead a productive and possibly content life, but they are very often not enough to quench your thirst for intimacy. Are you greedy for wanting that? No. Can one relationship satisfy all your needs? Definitely not. Friends, family, and coworkers should satisfy many of your social and emotional needs-but not your need for primary connection and deep-rooted intimacy. Those two should be satisfied by your partner.

CollinsE90 10-21-2011 01:26 PM

You could be the problem, anything in your past that would make it tough for you to commit emotionally?

HellFish 10-21-2011 01:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CollinsE90 (Post 13723461)
You could be the problem, anything in your past that would make it tough for you to commit emotionally?

ya I dated a girl for 5 years before she cheated on me, and then left me... thought we were going to get married etc... This happened 2 years ago, and the last time I spoke to her was 1 year ago (that one year we were still talking I thought there was still a chance).

Still not over it but honestly, it could be many many years, if ever, that I do get over it. I can't just "not date" anyone while I am dealing with this or I wouldn't date at all.

Mr.Jack 10-21-2011 03:03 PM

This is the feeling girls have when they friend zone a guy and refuse to admit they have feelings for them.

CollinsE90 10-21-2011 04:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellFish (Post 13723490)
ya I dated a girl for 5 years before she cheated on me, and then left me... thought we were going to get married etc... This happened 2 years ago, and the last time I spoke to her was 1 year ago (that one year we were still talking I thought there was still a chance).

Still not over it but honestly, it could be many many years, if ever, that I do get over it. I can't just "not date" anyone while I am dealing with this or I wouldn't date at all.

There's no point in dating if you can't get over the past one, my advice would be to go back and fix whatever that break-up was before you continue. Make amends with her, forgive her and let it all go. You'll never get over it until you make the point to actually get over it. Sitting around dating won't do it for some people. That is if she is civil and mature to talk, and don't go in wanting her back.

nvoges 10-21-2011 06:51 PM

This sounds like me to a "T". I just broke off another 6 month relationship because I didn't "feel" it again. I feel your pain, but don't have any answers for you.

HellFish 10-21-2011 07:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CollinsE90 (Post 13724187)
There's no point in dating if you can't get over the past one, my advice would be to go back and fix whatever that break-up was before you continue. Make amends with her, forgive her and let it all go. You'll never get over it until you make the point to actually get over it. Sitting around dating won't do it for some people. That is if she is civil and mature to talk, and don't go in wanting her back.

Problem with that is, she doesn't admit that she did anything wrong. I didn't have any "proof" that she was physically cheating on me, but I did have proof that she was emotionally cheating on me. I caught her going out with guys, not telling them she had a boyfriend etc... Found one text from her to a guy that said "Sorry I kept you up so late last night".... ya.

So anyway - ya I can forgive her within myself, but if I call her up on the phone and say "I forgive you!", that would be pointless because she doesn't think she did anything wrong. At this point I still think talking to her would be too painful. Maybe in another year or so.

HellFish 10-21-2011 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nvoges (Post 13724525)
This sounds like me to a "T". I just broke off another 6 month relationship because I didn't "feel" it again. I feel your pain, but don't have any answers for you.

any advice on the logistics? How did you do it? What did you say?

nvoges 10-21-2011 07:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellFish (Post 13724629)
any advice on the logistics? How did you do it? What did you say?

I wish I did; but I really don't.

I always keep one woman around until I find the next one that won't work :banghead:
I'm actually in a somewhat similar relationship as you. I dated a girl for 4yrs, lived with her for 1.5. I broke up with her but then found out I still have feelings (this has been 2 yrs ago). I thought I was over her, but I guess not. I broke her heart and I'm not sure how to handle it. I've dated several other girls but at the end of the day I think my heart is still with her. I'm really not sure that I'll be happy with any other woman at this point.

Just recently I actually got back in contact with her (she moved 1000 miles away) and hopefully it works out. Sorry for the rant, but I guess I can relate a little to your situation.

HellFish 10-21-2011 08:28 PM

^^ honestly I think if we meet the right person the exes won't affect it like you think. I met someone great about 18 months ago but she was a lot older and moved away... but I think I got a taste of what its like to be with someone you're really connected to... that wasn't my ex.

nvoges 10-21-2011 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellFish (Post 13724819)
^^ honestly I think if we meet the right person the exes won't affect it like you think. I met someone great about 18 months ago but she was a lot older and moved away... but I think I got a taste of what its like to be with someone you're really connected to... that wasn't my ex.

Absolutely agreed :thumbup:. I do want to get married and have a family......some day....(i just had my first niece last weekend and she is a sweetheart). With that said, I'm not going to settle with someone just because we get along. I truly believe that she's still out there, I just haven't found the right one yet. I am much happier being single than marrying someone I wasn't 100% sure about.

SW222 10-21-2011 09:38 PM

Let her go man it's unfair to her. You wouldn't want to be treated the same way would you? And once you start to doubt your feelings for someone it ain't gonna un-doubt itself.

ToKiDoKi 10-23-2011 02:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HellFish (Post 13723259)

Only problem is - I just don't feel that deep attraction to her. I don't know if I can say "I love you". We've been dating for about a year and I kind of feel like if I don't feel that way by now, I don't think I will. I hate to break up with someone that is so great on paper but I am just not sure... And if you have to ask if its the right person its not... right?



In the end I hate to lose someone that is such a great partner, and would make a great life partner... its just the attraction and emotional connection. What is weird is I find her physically attractive, but still not "attracted to her"... That is weird to me.

You just answered your own Q

HellFish 10-23-2011 10:35 PM

Well I did it. She said that I was her best friend and that I gave her the best year of her life.. Sad.

CollinsE90 10-24-2011 12:15 AM

Last minute guilt trip, when she finds someone better which isn't an insult but gives her everything you didn't mentally and just as good of a person, she will thank you.

invictvs 10-24-2011 12:20 AM

Holy sh*t, I'm in a similar situation as you, except it's been only two months for me. So it doesn't get any better with time??

So weird I just found this thread after leaving her place :-/

CMT247 10-24-2011 12:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by invictvs (Post 13729807)
Holy sh*t, I'm in a similar situation as you, except it's been only two months for me. So it doesn't get any better with time??

So weird I just found this thread after leaving her place :-/

2 months... I'd give it a little more time, just my opinion though.

invictvs 10-24-2011 01:49 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CMT247 (Post 13729849)
2 months... I'd give it a little more time, just my opinion though.

That was my plan, but reading HellFish's dilemma has made me further doubt it. My issue is sexual chemistry. She's a nice girl and likes to have sensual type sex. She also dresses rather conservatively. I, on the other hand, am a sexual deviant and generally like overtly sexual girls that wear tight skirts and heels and like to have crazy sex. It also doesn't help that I want to bang every hot girl in sight.

HellFish, is that the type of chemistry you're lacking? Do you have emotional, but not sexual chemistry, or sexual and not emotional?

13// 10-24-2011 04:29 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by invictvs (Post 13730059)
That was my plan, but reading HellFish's dilemma has made me further doubt it. My issue is sexual chemistry. She's a nice girl and likes to have sensual type sex. She also dresses rather conservatively. I, on the other hand, am a sexual deviant and generally like overtly sexual girls that wear tight skirts and heels and like to have crazy sex. It also doesn't help that I want to bang every hot girl in sight.

HellFish, is that the type of chemistry you're lacking? Do you have emotional, but not sexual chemistry, or sexual and not emotional?

I am jus like you... love dem ho's <3


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