Thanks a lot guys.
I talked to Matt on the phone^ and he recommended that shop above for me to go to.
It turned out to be a gasket on the throttle body heater plate. Looks like I'm going to be getting it towed and have someone make me a gasket with rtv sealant or whatever they use for coolant. Hopefully they're able to.
In about an hour I had two people willing to help me out. Thanks a lot guys. Seriously.