Join Date: May 2011
My Ride: I can breathe
| here's this goon's twitter acct that I work with
A friend of mine found the "best of" and emailed them to a ton of people....
Dear select few who share my pain:
I have done the seemingly unthinkable. I have read all of Dave's tweets in an attempt to showcase Dave Scn at his best. Below are some of Dave's most ill-conceived tweets, with my responses to certain ones in red. Dave, you are the quintessence of a man who is in intellectual denial. Your lack of original thought and trivial, unsubstantiated opinions are the reason I feel a moral obligation to enlighten the world in my later life.
1. I've finally mastered Super Mario Bros Crossover. I've beaten it with every character. Ryu rocks! http://supermariobroscrossover.com/
2. Yes! All in favor of this! Almost smacked a kid when dad wouldn't do anything about his kicking my seat on a flight! http://bit.ly/cc2CZp
3. According to Microsoft, "the cloud" is now the answer for everything... but it won't cook me a cheeseburger.
4. Do not use microwave's "popcorn" button to microwave popcorn.#stupidinstructions
5. I feel like Forrest Gump, sitting on a bus stop bench... Anyone got a box of chocolate?
a. No. Nevertheless, you're still dumb as ****. #RetardProblems
6. Stupid flight attendant announcement: "We'll be ready to depart once our captain arrives to pilot the aircraft." #wedontneednostinkinpilot
7. Girl at table behind me talking about someone she knows: "He's a tall guy not like 6'2 but like 6 foot" Ha! Wait til I stand up... #7ftTall
a. Please don't. Save yourself the shame of being seen out of your cave. #Ogre
8. I've accomplished my goal for the day... I am Yoda, Prince of the Powerpoint! #readyforvegas
9. "all you can eat" and "all you should eat" #separateanddistinct
a. Clearly, you lack the erudition to discern between the two.
10. Do you think anyone ever says "no" when they're asked if they'll assist in emergencies when seated in exit rows?
11. An undershirt that chemically reacts with sweat to form a non-sudsing detergent that cleans clothes as you sweat in them #crazyinventionidea
12. Saw a dog take a crap on the lawn of a Jewish temple near my apartment building #holyshit
13. Old theatres are not built with 7 foot tall people in mind...
14. Osama Bin Laden? Osama Been Killed! #suckitterrorists
15. Thought: Took this long to track down #Osama ... He must not have had an iPhone.
a. He did. But then the battery died because it could be tracked. #SuckItApple
16. Do you think we can turn this into a new internet meme? "Over 9000" is so 2007... http://www.switchtohp.com/pictures/400kIOPSVegeta.jpg ... #HP #3PAR #P10000#HPStorage
17. J-E-T-S! JETS JETS JETS! IT BEGINS! #nyjets
18. Not every day a true visionary dies... RIP, Steve Jobs. http://lnkd.in/Ejadtt
19. After 5+ yrs service and doubling revenues YoY in my product line, PC Mall laid me off and I'm searching for a new job. So, who wants me?
20. Before video gaming, by the way, did make it to the gym for an hour... pushed myself to 50 min on the treadmill, woo hoo!
21. One thing I'm certainly thankful for... painkillers. I kicked my own butt at the gym today.
22. Nothing like a good walk in the morning.
23. A world without Kim Jong Il, it just seems... so ronery, but it was so in-ebit-abre. I'm going to re-watch Team America. #america****yeah
24. MIT is planning on making courses available free online... pretty cool
a. They've been doing that for 9 years now. Welcome to the future. #DumbShitProblems
25. Guy across from me on #cta bus is wearing boots with obvious 2+ inches of padding under his sole. Gotta love short people. #amused
26. Very excited today to have begun my new position as the Director of HP Practice at ChicagoMicro!
27. Rosa Parks didn't protest having to sit in back of bus by sitting in back of the bus... Self-censoring Wikipedia to protest SOPA is dumb.
28. People that talk loudly on the phone in a quiet train car should be shot then the corpse thrown in front of the train and run over...
29. Lame people that walk slowly in and around train stations blocking walkways, not like there might be trains to catch... #firstworldproblems
30. This 7 foot tall guy thinks this 6'7" tall guy talking about being "too tall" on The Daily Show is a douchey moron who needs his knees broke
31. Yep... Blindfolded half-naked chick riding a bull, I'm either really drunk or in Vegas at #HPDiscover (umm, both!) pic.twitter.com/fnT0LLif
32. Cabbie: "you're the biggest customer I've ever had" me: "Thanks, but thought I'd hear that from someone of a different profession" #Vegas
33. Why is it even in tall sizes I need to get a 3x or 4x just for length when I don't necessarily need the bagginess? #tallproblems
34. Who decided that the majority of the world's shower heads should be mounted below 6'6"? My chest hair gets really clean... #tallproblems
35. My answer to "you're so tall, do you play basketball?" should be "you're so short, do you race horses?" #tallproblems
36. Going over logs is easy #tallperks going under them not so much#tallproblems at #toughmudder lots of fun with @ChicagoMicro this weekend!
37. mTV playing Iron Maiden on their show Ridiculousness. Yet another non-music program, but at least a good soundtrack...
38. Want to know what I did this weekend? Check out the videos posted by @ChicagoMicro #toughmudder vids shot by my boss' GoPro camera!
39. People with #tallproblems that are 5'9 make me laugh... I'm 7' tall, bet you've never had trouble fitting into cars #tweetyourheight
40. To all you tall ladies, i love tall women, I'm 7ft tall AND single #tweetyourheight ...Always seem to attract shorties #tallproblems
41. The brightness of the sun in the morning makes me wish my bedroom window was a bit less east-facing... #fivemoreminutes
42. Fresh guacamole! pic.twitter.com/xEbI3aL9
43. Going to a broadway show tonight with work. Dreading typical theatre seating. #TallPeopleProblems
44. "You're the tallest guy I've seen since this tall guy I met back in 57" - elderly man at Panera - I'm interested why? #tallpeopleproblems
45. Random thought- if someone over 6'8 robbed 1 of the banks across from my office, I'd be an instant victim of police profiling #tallproblems
46. I wish late night trains had a designated "sober car" - if blowing a breathalyzer could get me away from these drunk idiots, I'd gladly do!
47. Seeing #tall girls with #short guys for some reason pisses me off#tallproblems especially when his eyes are nipple level...
48. All dogs go to heaven; all calls go to voicemail
49. Speaking of girls, I feel bad for trusting the safeness of Chicago to catch my train & left a coworker to walk alone to her bus :-/ #iworry
50. Getting silly with my friends @DietCokeUS near the end of an awesome 2nd day @thetechweek @ChicagoMicro #dudewerockpic.twitter.com/9rtddXey
51. Don't want to drive into the city, but train that's late and packed like a gay rainbow colored sardine can is not my idea of a good time...
52. Hard enough time hearing women two feet shorter than me, so blasting club music in a small bar really helps me socially #tallproblems
53. Four straight days on my feet at a trade show, my back wasn't built for that #tallproblems #backproblems
54. you ever find yourself asking to yourself, "I'm not the tallest one here?" -I know I do those rare times...
55. I personally see it as empowering to hold my hand near 10 feet in the air and make #short people work for the high five. #tall
a. Really? I felt empowered when I showed my vertical leap to be five times greater than yours.
56. Being 7ft tall it honestly makes me somewhat uncomfortable on rare occasions a 7'2 guy pops up out of nowhere
57. Gorgeous 6'6 woman gets on elevator at my apartment building... Followed by her daughter and 5'6 husband #tallproblems
58. If I put the coffee table too far away, I can't eat from it... Too close, my legs are cramped. #tall #tallproblems
59. My friend's 5'2 roommate pointed out once that my kitchen's not "short accessible" since I store pots & pans on top of cabinets #tall#short
60. I mounted a shelf for towels in the bathroom that's about 7.5 ft above the floor #tallperks Being #tall allows for space optimization!
61. 6ft 12in
62. Dear Olympics, can you please just end so we can go back to normal American sports, like football? Thanks...
a. Where's your sense of national pride? I thought you always said America's #1?
63. Newsflash: Men that are 6'2" don't qualify as tall. They barely qualify as midgets on stilts...
a. Offensive to both little people and tall people. 94.7% of American men from 20-29 are shorter than 6'2". I believe this qualifies those who are 6'2" as tall. #GaussianDistribution #
64. Seriously, wouldn't it be awesome if Colonel Sanders declared he was gay and got married to Ronald McDonald today? #BattleLinesDrawn
65. "Toilet's in the other room. Guess I'll have to **** myself.#LongDistanceProblems" - Friends making fun of twitter lol #tweetproblems
66. Chinese: Drunk delivery food of champions.
67. Dec 31, 2028: blue moon & lunar eclipse on last day of the year. Pretty convinced this is the day of the end of days.#PrepareToBeRaptured
68. "I'm sorry Mario, but your fortune is in another cookie!!" - Nintendo prepares you for life's hardships
69. This woman made a Facebook for her unborn baby. I got mad and made an account as a coat hanger and poked it.
70. Waiter insisted I wear a bib to eat... Is he going to feed, burp, & change me too?
71. Considering socks for sub-size 15 shoe sizes "big & tall" shouldn't be allowed #7feettall #tallproblems
72. Dildo or flashlight? #TSAxrayGames
73. Woman at the airport wearing a Cougars jersey... On the prowl? #Cub #Single haha
74. First time in first class... Slightly wider seat is nice, but honestly, legroom wise, I think in the future I'll just stick to the exit row.
75. You call this First Class?! There's no vodka in this OJ!#firstworldproblems
76. Looks like @NYJets is taking votes for a new TD scoring song for the season on facebook... I suggest @IronMaiden Aces High#UpTheIrons
77. Two cramped planes and I don't hit my head... At the airport, hit my head in both jet bridge & terminal bus #tallproblems #7feettall
78. Burning your knee as you slide out from under a Korean BBQ table...#tallproblems
79. "Pool is about geometry. ... ... And balls!" thanks @LoafOfDead for that pic.twitter.com/33KnGROW
80. Having to wear a tall size black T-shirt under a 4X @IronMaiden shirt because the band shirt's not long enough... #tallproblems #7feettall
81. Did this guy next to me just ask "what is this @IronMaiden thing on all the tshirts everyone's wearing?" ?!?!?! "Greatest metal band ever!"
82. Would love to find out that half these "tall" anons on twitter are midgets on stilts in long trenchcoats... Ultimate twitter conspiracy!!!
83. Home grilled sausages and my sis bought me a cake nice low key birthday night, I love it!
84. I bet it's hard not to stare at your legs when you have so much of them... lol
85. If I picked up 200 White Castle burgers for the next Lunch & Learn I run, wonder If it'd go over well...
86. "Everybody is free but us" Paul Ryan? Speak for yourself. I'm free. ... Yes, I'm free, ladies... ;-) #RNC
87. Umm, most people wear sandals without socks. I think it's odd when people wear socks with sandals...
88. I've spent entirely too long today relaxing while watching stoner movies on comedy central while not being stoned...
89. I'd swear a minivan tried to goad me into a drag race off a light change. Nothing like having a HEMI and a competitive streak...
90. I have to ask... Does my junk count?
91. The Sampler: When you want fried bar food but just can't decide exactly what to fry, it's there to save you from that tough call
92. Listening to old people talking about young people looking like old people... Strangely amusing.
93. Slashed tires, bacon shortage, horrible replacement nfl refs, a hockey lockout, & Mitt Romney as a presidential candidate...#EarthIs****ed
94. Seeing over everyone's heads at a show #tallperks Excruciating back pain from standing for hours straight #tallproblems #7feettall
95. Why are you looking at me like that? What? You've never seen a#7feettall man drinking a quart of chocolate milk on a train platform before?
96. Is it wrong I think 2 of the 3 Asians across from us on the train look like Jackie Chan & Jet-Li? #drunktweet #metra
97. It's #NationalBoyfriendDay and I'm single...... #CoolLife" Didn't know such a thing existed, but no one celebrating me here...
98. Obama! Why couldn't you just call Romney out on the fact we all don't have rich parents? Stop being so roundabout polite... ATTACK HEAD ON!
99. Angry sex is the best, so I want a Republican girlfriend that I can watch the election results with in November. Could get interesting.
100. Felt good to get back in the gym today!
101. In female time, 4:15 actually means 5:00.#RulesOfSpaceTimeContinuum
102. Went on a 12 mile walk through the forest preserve today... my legs feel like jelly, my feet are blistered, but overall, I feel good
103. Fresh sheets on a bed is just so nice...
104. Bout to head to the gym...
a. Fapping isn't a workout.
105. I saw a short person that couldn't reach the top supermarket shelf. Lolz it was funny. (I'm too tall to ride the rides )
106. According to the Colbert Report, the vagina now has a new biography... If that's a best seller, think I could sell "Memoirs of the Member"?
107. They can add Wi-Fi to a plane but they keep these low-hanging CRT TVs on the ceiling for me to hit my head on... #7feettall #tallproblems
a. You yourself quote, "The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few." Self-refutory much?
108. someone really needs to design some planes that are more accommodating to the tall and fully agree on the view thing, glare sucks
a. See previous commentary. #DumbShitProblems
109. That's a hell of a typo, Red Bull #marketingfail #marketingproblemspic.twitter.com/k4Vq8Dqb
a. Dave Schw. Business Title: The Ogre of Arlington Heights. #MarketingFail
110. Drank two pitchers of beer this morning and not even a buzz... Not sure if that's a #tallperks or #tallproblems situation...
a. Height a factor for Blood Alcohol Content? I think not. #Fat****Problems
111. "Thanks to her, I hid in the attic in college. I love Anne Frank!" - outrageous drunk statement of the day overheard on the Metra #wtf
112. I find your association to this event with Metra unlawful. #SlanderProblems
113. When you get your Caesar salad with anchovies, you know you're living the high life!
a. It makes your breath smell better. #HalitosisProblems #ButterGrill
114. What drinking games are people going to play once the Presidential Debate Drinking Games are over and gone?
a. Shot for every dumbass political comment you conjure. #PissDrunk
115. Anyone else amused that the Presidential debate moderator has a stripper name? #StrangersWithCandy
a. She's a nice lady. #****Off
116. Romney is saying he's better for women because he recognizes that employers should make sure they're home in time to cook for kids & hubby?
a. Like you don't view women as inferior. You two are a perfect couple. #RomneySchwartzcoffenberg2012
117. Kind of wondering if Romney might have a 'binder of tall women' I could borrow...
118. Anime geek in me is going crazy... Samurai X (Rurouni Kenshin) live action movie? Awesome!
a. Will someone please burn him with fire? #HitlerLeftOne
119. "We tend to give out a lot when people drink alot" - waiter at my new favorite sushi place, Sushi Nari!
a. Don't forget to suck your fingers. #OgreProblems
120. Those donuts were way less satisfying than they were in my mind before I went to the store...
121. Laundry: Accomplished. Haircut: Accomplished. Now I guess all that's left to do tonight is get drunk?
a. Kill yourself. #Keepin'ItReal
122. In fact, if I start a band, I'm naming it "Pedestrian Incident" - thanks for the inspiration, stupid drunks that get run over by Metra train
123. You couldn't fit enough blue pills in a bottle for me to get excited for you- you're 2 feet shorter and weigh what I do, get away from me!
a. Dave hit on? #Mind=Blown #EndOfDays #MotherOfGod #RevengeOfTheJew
124. My legs are killing me... but that was an awesome time at Durty Nellies for Wedding Banned!
a. Lose some weight.
125. Painful loss. These tacos shall be flavored with my tears. #NYJets
126. Had a short guy jump on my back today as part of a touchdown celebration. Glad we were rooting for the same team, else that would be awkward
127. Life itself is epic Naaaah. Have to create your own excitement, find epicness even within the mundane.
a. What the **** is wrong with you? That isn't a novel idea, Mr. Philosopher, so don't play it like one. #IAmYoda
128. So what drinking games are in store for tonight's final Presidential Debate?
a. Shot every time you fap to Obama. #ObamaProblems
129. I find that they usually go hand in hand, wine & pu... No, I'm not drunk enough to go there just yet...
a. Dear Dave, You are a horrible flirt and simply come off as a perv. Your smiley face emoticon further augments my claim.
130. Romney: "They're uncivilized extremists, but lets arm them to the teeth instead of putting our own troops in..." #WhatIHeard
a. Dear Dave, If one is to paraphrase, it ne'er ought be in quotation marks. Please go back to school and stop giving this country a bad name. #WhitePower(JewsNotIncluded)
131. It's a homemade fresh guacamole night. I've not decided yet on whether to drink or not.
132. a² + b² = c-I'm finally comfortable in this bed! Seriously, though, can't say I've ever had an uncomfortable stay in Vegas...
a. False. a² + b² = c2 Please think before you type. You give everyone in this country a bad name. #DumbShitProblems
133. I'd be happy to teach you. The basics aren't terribly difficult. Are you at all a gambler otherwise? (Note: This is Dave referring to Texas Hold 'Em)
a. Dave, you suck at Texas Hold 'Em. Learning from you would be learning how to gamble, not how to play poker. Please do not taint others with your lack of skill. #PlayMe #HeadsUpNoLimit500Hands1krebuy
134. 22nd December is the National Orgasm Day, be ready for it." If that's a Canadian holiday, I guess I know when to visit lol
135. Twitter tells me it's #TallGirlAppreciationDay I'm wondering where in Chicago to go to appreciate them- 7 feet #tall guy here appreciating!
136. 37°F in Chicago... I suppose a tall girl & warm socks are all I need! #TallGirlAppreciationDay
137. And... Buick and Shaq should be ashamed of themselves, that's blatant false advertising, that car's not comfortable for 7'+ guys!
a. Shaq is both taller and lighter than you. Please rethink your statement. #SlanderProblems