So after temporarily giving up and driving the car not according to any standard procedures, the o2 sensor and catalyst monitors have set. o2 heater, evap, and secondary air still report as not ready.
While doing a thruway drive cycle I notice that every time i let off the gas and coast the car reverts to open loop due to insufficient engine load/deceleration.
I haven't received the bmw specific scan tool yet. And my rear view mirror just fell off a couple days ago. fml