02-07-2013, 12:41 PM
Join Date: Dec 2004
My Ride: 3.5 Liters of fury
How to Avoid Being in a Done Strike (humor)
I was pretty straight faced until #4
On Monday, NBC published a Department of Justice memo that lays out the Obama administrationís framework for determining when itís lawful for President Obama to order the assassination of a U.S. citizen.
Basically, the president can assassinate you if ďan informed, high-levelĒ administration official has determined that (1) you are a senior figure in either al-Qaida or ďan associated forceĒ; (2) you pose a threat to the United States; and (3) capturing you wouldnít be feasible. The memo goes on to explain that the president can order your assassination without ďclear evidence that a specific attack on U.S. persons and interests will take place in the immediate future.ĒBelow are some tips for how to decrease your odds of being assassinated by President Obama.
1.) Donít be accused of terrorism
This is easier said than done. The federal government has a track record of falsely accusing people of terrorism.
Because due process isnít necessarily extended to accused terrorists, itís important not to be accused of terrorism in the first place. We recommend the following precautions: steer clear of mosques; make sure your fingerprints donít match those of actual terrorists (and if they do, consider having them surgically altered); donít annoy flight attendants; donít operate websites that terrorists might post on; donít wear a keffiyeh; and donít travel to the Middle East or South Asia unless doing so is absolutely necessary.
2.) Make sure youíre always somewhere where you can easily be captured
One of the vaguest parts of the DOJ memo is the passage about when itís feasible to capture a suspect. After discussing various relevant factors, the memo simply notes that ďfeasibility would be a highly fact-specific and potentially time-sensitive inquiry.Ē
The key here is to avoid remote areas. If youíre traveling in a foreign country, stay at brand-name hotels in major cities or near major highways. Marriott and Hyatt hotels are often surprisingly affordable, especially if you travel during off-peak seasons. Avoid countries with underdeveloped infrastructure that could make it difficult or time-consuming for authorities to reach you. Also, consider the number of flights in and out of the city or area youíre visiting. The busiest commercial airports outside of the U.S. are in Beijing, London, and Tokyo.
3.) Avoid visiting Pakistan, Afghanistan and Yemen altogether
President Obama has already accidentally assassinated at least one U.S. citizen: Abdulrahman al-Awlaki, a Denver teenager who was living in Yemen. At the time Robert Gibbs, President Obamaís then-spokesman, explained that it was al-Awlakiís fatherís fault for taking his son to a country that is a frequent target of U.S. drone strikes. Donít make the same mistake.
4.) If you are a terrorist, donít get promoted
Itís unclear whether President Obama can assassinate low-level or mid-level terrorists, but he can definitely assassinate senior-level ones. So if youíre a mid-level terrorist, tell your boss that youíre comfortable with your current responsibilities and arenít interested in a promotion.
Gold Medal Recipient: Jimmy Rustling (2014)