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Love Line

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Old 10-03-2012, 09:34 AM   #1
redtoesblue
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Exclamation Urget Help Needed - I love her

In a nutshell, seeing this girl for a month (short I know, but we moved fast), we've done everything together, she loves everything about me but she says she doesn't see a future with me. How can I get around this? I love this girl, and she has told me she loves me.

I know I sound like a rookie, but this scenario hasn't taken place before. I need help rather urgently as I will be seeing her soon and need some ideas on how to deal with this. I feel like she is the one deep down.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:36 AM   #2
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Why she said that she doesn't see a future with you?
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:41 AM   #3
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Why she said that she doesn't see a future with you?
Not 100% because I am not getting full grasp of the situation, this happened all of a sudden.

I believe parental pressure, as her parents basically said to her don't bring home a black guy or Muslim. I'm Muslim, she's catholic. Her parents have not met me or know that I am Muslim. They just know of me. Plus, I think she is scared she won't be able to live the life she wants with me cause I am Muslim. Which is untrue. I am totally chill. These bastards in the middle east aren't helping with the killing of the ambassador and all.

I don't know how to tell her that the life she wants to live will be possible with me and her happiness is more important to me than anything else.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:54 AM   #4
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Parental pressure? You guys must be young. Hopefully this is not a case of the girl only being interested in you to rebel against her parents. And you're not in love dude, you're infatuated. The first months of any relationships are always the best. Just give her her space and go hang out with your buddies.
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Old 10-03-2012, 09:57 AM   #5
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Just take it slow with her. Don't say things like you want to be with her forever, etc.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:12 AM   #6
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Parental pressure? You guys must be young. Hopefully this is not a case of the girl only being interested in you to rebel against her parents. And you're not in love dude, you're infatuated. The first months of any relationships are always the best. Just give her her space and go hang out with your buddies.
I've been looking for a girl like this since I broke up w/ my fiance of 6 years, 2 years ago. Been w/ several girls since then who were utterly garbage and she has been the first girl to check all the boxes of what I've been searching for.

We aren't young, but we both come from a culture to respect parents.

Here is the deal, she is in her late 20's been in a couple of really bad relationships. She is looking for a permanent one now. So she would be actively looking for someone else if things don't work out between us.

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Just take it slow with her. Don't say things like you want to be with her forever, etc.
She has said that she is pretty sure she won't change her mind, so I am unsure how to handle this. I told her we should move slow, but she says she doesn't want to drag it out.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:27 AM   #7
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How old are both of you if you don't mind me asking.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:32 AM   #8
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How old are both of you if you don't mind me asking.
I'm 32, she's 28
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:35 AM   #9
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I don't see how the parents can be an equation in your relationship but I assume it's because you are in OC. Idk man, I'd have a sit down with her and ask if she wants to keep going or end it here. I know you might not want to do it but you're 32. I personally don't think you can afford to waste time if you get what I'm saying.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:40 AM   #10
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I don't see how the parents can be an equation in your relationship but I assume it's because you are in OC. Idk man, I'd have a sit down with her and ask if she wants to keep going or end it here. I know you might not want to do it but you're 32. I personally don't think you can afford to waste time if you get what I'm saying.
She stated that it's very hard on her and she wants to end it because she doesn't want to hurt me more.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:42 AM   #11
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Man, gotta tell you that the crap that goes on in womens minds is BAFFLING. Her saying that she doesn't want to hurt YOU is a lie.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:43 AM   #12
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Man, gotta tell you that the crap that goes on in womens minds is BAFFLING. Her saying that she doesn't want to hurt YOU is a lie.
It's been 2 years since I told someone that I loved them. That is why this is so hard to deal with for me. I feel like she is making a grave mistake and she hasn't really understood that things can work out. Since things have already been working out.
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:46 AM   #13
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What I would do is ignore what she said. Just keep hanging out with her normally, take her to new places, do fun stuff etc so she is happy again and slowly she will not want to let go
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Old 10-03-2012, 10:53 AM   #14
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Her words:
"in so many ways I would like to be. Honestly. I have a blast with you and think your truly amazing. But deep down I know it's not a right fit for me and for my future"

How the hell do I respond to something like that?
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Old 10-03-2012, 11:06 AM   #15
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Her words:
"in so many ways I would like to be. Honestly. I have a blast with you and think your truly amazing. But deep down I know it's not a right fit for me and for my future"

How the hell do I respond to something like that?
Ask her why it's not a right fit.
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Old 10-03-2012, 11:16 AM   #16
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Sounds like you have a fvck buddy. I'd let your emotions go and just have fun with it... It's only been 2 years, and if she's giving you the run-around now, she's obviously keeping her options open for a reason. If I were you I'd start seeing other people but continue beating the bottom out of it...
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Old 10-03-2012, 11:23 AM   #17
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Ask her why it's not a right fit.
I believe she envisions her children to be brought up in a different way. I would like them to be knowledgeable in both areas. Plus she eats pork & drinks. Drinking doesn't bother me, but the pork does. It's not like it's impossible for me to get over that. But I don't prefer it.

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Sounds like you have a fvck buddy. I'd let your emotions go and just have fun with it... It's only been 2 years, and if she's giving you the run-around now, she's obviously keeping her options open for a reason. If I were you I'd start seeing other people but continue beating the bottom out of it...
How do I let my emotions go in this situation? I love everything about her and we get along great.
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Old 10-04-2012, 01:23 AM   #18
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I believe she envisions her children to be brought up in a different way. I would like them to be knowledgeable in both areas. Plus she eats pork & drinks. Drinking doesn't bother me, but the pork does. It's not like it's impossible for me to get over that. But I don't prefer it.
Why would you want to marry someone who has different values than you do?
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:00 AM   #19
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Why would you want to marry someone who has different values than you do?
^ This. Why are you settling?

I agree with what sammk has to say with the exception of asking why. Right now it doesn't matter why, all that matters is if she's willing or not. Deal with the why later.

Also, definitely agree with what spyder said. You will feel like a total dumbass after you read that later. I know I did when this happened to me.
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Old 10-04-2012, 09:28 AM   #20
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First of all, I think you would do well to stay composed.. Remember that even if you love her above anything else, if she doesn't want to take this forward, it's not gonna happen.. So be practical about this. You have and will find the strength and means to get through this.

When you meet her, stay cool and calm, no emotional stuff. Be a man and act confident and composed, that's one of the best things that can draw a woman to you. What I would do is talk about normal stuff initially, act normal and warm up the discussion. Then I would bring up the important subject, but in a casual manner. I would touch upon the subject of why she thinks it won't work and have a rational discussion about it. Along the way I'd assess and judge for myself if she's being honest with her feelings, and if she's being genuine with her reasons. Keep in mind that when a woman in her shoes does and says what she's saying and doing, there's a motivation behind it.. Whatever it is, it's your job as the man to figure it out (is it really over or do you still have a chance, does her vision of a certain lifestyle conflict with yours, family or parental considerations, maybe just short-sightedness, maybe she's realizing she just not that into you, maybe she's thinking things are moving too fast, so she's freaking out).. Remember to keep the whole discussion on the topic brief, no more than a few minutes and keep it light, no heavy emotional stuff. Make a real time decision based on your gut feeling of her motivation. If you think she's freaking out for some reason, maybe you want to play the 'ok, let's slow down a bit and give it more time' card. Or if she's not confident that you'll do what it takes to make it work, try to give her a sense of that confidence. But whatever it is, show her your sensitive side but not your emotional vulnerabilities.. And most important, don't leave it hanging on a vague note. Be clear about your own thoughts and put some clear, smart next steps on the table. Then end the discussion in a nice way and walk out. Don't get into emotional stuff or drag it on.. Not sure how you're gonna make this happen in the best way but do it!!! After all is said and done, if she's keen on walking away, it may not feel good for a while but that would have been the best thing to happen.. So you're in a pretty good position after all..
Thank you very much, that was very helpful.

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Why would you want to marry someone who has different values than you do?
Not really different values, we share almost everything, its just dietary stuff mainly.

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^ This. Why are you settling?

I agree with what sammk has to say with the exception of asking why. Right now it doesn't matter why, all that matters is if she's willing or not. Deal with the why later.

Also, definitely agree with what spyder said. You will feel like a total dumbass after you read that later. I know I did when this happened to me.
I feel there is compatibility on all levels that I have been searching for. No, I did not try to fit her in there, she just naturally checked all of my requirements.

Being with her is effortless and natural, no fights or anything. I love the way she looks, we have an awesome time together, the other stuff is minor to me. Nobody is perfect, but she is perfect for me.

One thing she said was that she was emotionally tapped out & numb after her uncle's death which has continued since then. I have a feeling that this has something to do with it and would help.

I spent some time analyzing ongoing themes of our conversations lately, they are as follows:

- Mixing lives, families, religion & kids, she feels like she isn't confident enough to take this on.

- Her behavior has been eratic, from texting to making sure I am ok to "we need to stop this, I am hurting you" She has constantly been saying how much fun we have & how much she regrets this.

- She is afraid of me resenting her later in life.

She used to be on Xanax, coincidentally this behavior start as soon as she got off of it.
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