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Old 05-06-2013, 08:30 AM   #1
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I got lazy and she got fat, a life story

This is a long read, i'm sorry guys. Just go through it and let me know what you think.

My story starts when I was about 19 (27 now). I met this girl a year older than me. Looked good (not a 10, but that was never what I looked for), smart, everything was great. Not much later (I was 20 by now) we started dating. To everyone we were the perfect couple. Everything just fit perfectly. We both come from hardworking, honest families, we both have Eastern European roots. Naturally we fell deeply in love, about as deep as it can get. It must have made other people sick seeing us like that. For about 2 years give or take, she was my everything and I was hers. Nothing else mattered. It was like the two of us lived on a different planet all alone.

After this period "in love" made place for just love. And this stands to this day. But I could always get along with girls really well, and we still had separate lives. She lived 60 miles away, went in a different college. Different friends. So yes, I was a guy in my early twenties, I cheated on her a few times. She never found out about any of those. She may have had someone on the side too. I don't know, and I don't want to know. In a strange way, I hope she did. I do not regret it, it just is what it is. Never waste your twenties as it is unlikely that you're going to live twice, at least that's my philosphy.

Then about 2,5/3 years ago, sh(t got serious. I finished college and by chance found a job near where she lives. I moved in with her at her parents' house. Weekdays I'd be there for work, we'd spend the weekends at my parents' place 60 miles back home. In this time she got seriously fat and I got lazy regarding our relationship. I started slacking, and didn't invest as much energy into our relationship as before or as she did. This was not constant, just short periods. I would talk to other girls, but I did not cheat in this period (had close calls though). She would neglect her health and appearance. We wouldn't go out as much as we used to. But we were still very happy with each other. Remember, we were the couple meant to be. Our parents have met and have become friends by now. Both our lives slowly but surely fused into one. A year ago she finished college and also found a job. This would mark the end of what I would call: the lost years. Yes, we both finished college. Yes, we both found jobs. But other than that there was absolutely nothing, where there should have been a lot of fun, especially at that age.

Last August, sh(t got even more serious. We found a place and moved in with each other. Finally a long awaited place for ourselves. This house needed quite a bit of work, at the same time we needed to work on our careers as well (and still do). The stress of this all caused a lot of fights. It almost cost us our relationship. Money was never an issue though (still isn't). Not that we make a lot, it's just that our expectations/desires aren't as high. We do everything together.

Fast forward to last November. We finished the house and were very happy. No more fights, no more stress, everything smoothed out and settled down. Everything was ok you'd think, right? Wrong. Somehow I developed a slight depression. I came to the realization that time goes by so fast and that life is way too short. Also I would not be seeing my family and friends as often. The more I thought about it the worse it made me feel. Top tip for the ladies: Eastern European guys are very attached to the place where they grow up and to their family. My g/f was incredibly supportive (we're still not married, we're just well...together.). Anyway, I took action right away and took on the big D head on. I worked hard to overcome it and have succeeded 98%. I work at a large bank and I put my career in second place for the first time. Health is number one, at work they agreed.

Things are better now. I got over my D, she is on a diet after we had a huge fight about it. Progress is visible in both of us. I made myself a promise that 2013 was going to be my year. We have gone out every single weekend this year. Friends are staying at our place every weekend. Weekends are about fun. We're planning two vacations this year. We're going to Italy and Spain in two weeks. And we'll be going to our home country in the summer.

However, I have changed in the past few months. All of a sudden I have this unexplainable desire to be single and find my way through life alone for a while. If I could just pause this relationship and come back in three years. I've talked to her about everything, not this though. I have been talking to a girl again, things have gotten a bit friendly, absolutely no action though. Cheating is out of the question. That time has passed, stakes are too high. If I were to get involved with another girl, I'd need to break off what I have now. That would be a huge mess though as our lives are very interconnected by now. My brother's 2-year-old calls my g/f her aunt. Also I'd get it hard from my family, they'd skin me so to speak. To everyone it would be the stupidest thing I could do, ever. I feel a scumbag for thinking about it.

I think I got bored in my relationship. I'm still not giving my 100% in this relationship that I have. She has noticed and we have talked about it. I love her to death, I'd give my life for her without thinking about it a second. We've been through much more than this story tells. Somehow I need to find the strength to invest more in this relationship, and to find the girl in her that I fell in love with. I also need to stop talking to other girls. I need to do my part to bring the passion back. I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to do all this, I just hope I'll find a way.

I have no idea why I'm telling this story. If you have advice or an opinion about all this. Please share.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:40 AM   #2
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Must be tough to open up like that.... You seem to have a good insight to yourself and your relationship.

Off hand, it sounds to me like you need more variety / uncertainty in your life to give you new and different stuff to experience. The trick is to keep your gf the constant in your life.

It also seems to me that in part it's about growing up and leaving your boy / youth behind in a way. You can't go backwards nor can you be a carefree boy all your life... Life it seems is pushing you forward and in a way you're resisting. It's sometimes a tough thing to deal with, but once you're over that hurdle it's very rewarding in ways that you can't even imagine right now.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:42 AM   #3
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I got lazy and she got fat, a life story

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Must be tough to open up like that.... You seem to have a good insight to yourself and your relationship.

Off hand, it sounds to me like you need more variety / uncertainty in your life to give you new and different stuff to experience. The trick is to keep your gf the constant in your life.

It also seems to me that in part it's about growing up and leaving your boy / youth behind in a way. You can't go backwards nor can you be a carefree boy all your life... Life it seems is pushing you forward and in a way you're resisting. It's sometimes a tough thing to deal with, but once you're over that hurdle it's very rewarding in ways that you can't even imagine right now.
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Old 05-06-2013, 08:52 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ballistic325 View Post
Must be tough to open up like that.... You seem to have a good insight to yourself and your relationship.

Off hand, it sounds to me like you need more variety / uncertainty in your life to give you new and different stuff to experience. The trick is to keep your gf the constant in your life.

It also seems to me that in part it's about growing up and leaving your boy / youth behind in a way. You can't go backwards nor can you be a carefree boy all your life... Life it seems is pushing you forward and in a way you're resisting. It's sometimes a tough thing to deal with, but once you're over that hurdle it's very rewarding in ways that you can't even imagine right now.
This is quite an insight indeed. Thank you sir.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:02 AM   #5
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Read the whole thing. I got lazy with my ex and it was because I just didn't care. It got to the point where it was obvious and the relationship ran its course. It sounds like yours is over too. It's not easy to get back into it.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:07 AM   #6
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This is good advice


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It also seems to me that in part it's about growing up and leaving your boy / youth behind in a way. You can't go backwards nor can you be a carefree boy all your life... Life it seems is pushing you forward and in a way you're resisting. It's sometimes a tough thing to deal with, but once you're over that hurdle it's very rewarding in ways that you can't even imagine right now.
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Old 05-06-2013, 09:59 AM   #7
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Read the whole thing. I got lazy with my ex and it was because I just didn't care. It got to the point where it was obvious and the relationship ran its course. It sounds like yours is over too. It's not easy to get back into it.
Thank you for reading and your comment.

I would like to have kids one day. Strangely, this is the only girl I could imagine myself doing this with. On the other hand, If she'd come to me today and told me she wants to break it off, I don't know what I'd do.....my fear is I'd be very much ok with it. I mean, this is about as conflicting as it gets. There are times that I honestly hope she'd break up with me. Then there are times I feel I couldn't handle it if she'd leave me.

Difference is that I care very much what happens to her, to me and our future. Be it apart or together.

I need to find my point of balance. I feel my way is toghether with her, not apart. But I just don't now. Maybe it is just about simply growing up, if that ever were simple. We'll see.
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Old 05-06-2013, 10:24 AM   #8
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Old 05-06-2013, 10:40 AM   #9
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Read the whole thing. I got lazy with my ex and it was because I just didn't care. It got to the point where it was obvious and the relationship ran its course. It sounds like yours is over too. It's not easy to get back into it.
Agreed. Mostly.

I had an almost identical story to the OP except I never cheated (nor did I ever consider it). Ended things when the romance just couldn't be rejuvenated and, to this day, regret it. There are far more important things to a relationship than just physical chemistry...

That said, the OP cheated on his girl so I have to imagine the relationship wasn't always there to begin with.. sounds like you should cut the chord and stop wasting time.
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Old 05-06-2013, 11:28 AM   #10
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Read it all, thanks for opening up and being blunt without sugar coating it.

While it is possible your relationship has ran its course I think perhaps you've hit a road block with commitment. Just because you're with someone doesn't necessarily mean you are commited. Just because you have your career in place doesn't mean you're commited to it anymore. A lot of times relationships are just the most visible form of deeper issue's that we have with ourselves. I think now that you're at an age where you are looking long term as opposed to short is bringing this out of you. I'd say some soul searching is on order which is why you want time away. Get away just by yourself for a weekend, go for a drive check in to a hotel by some stuff or activities you've been meaning to do for you. Find yourself as you lost it by immersing yourself in your own life. Keep us updated, I'm jealous of that freedom you have personally as I'm the same age but a few steps behind you thanks to my own struggles.
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Old 05-06-2013, 11:34 AM   #11
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Agreed. Mostly.

I had an almost identical story to the OP except I never cheated (nor did I ever consider it). Ended things when the romance just couldn't be rejuvenated and, to this day, regret it. There are far more important things to a relationship than just physical chemistry...

That said, the OP cheated on his girl so I have to imagine the relationship wasn't always there to begin with.. sounds like you should cut the chord and stop wasting time.
You know I hate to say it but the times in which he cheated and the duration for which it happened it could go either way. I think if he had done it now that would be different but he was younger more ignorant and in college, life happens, obviously he moved on from it. I am not saying it was okay for him to cheat but like I said life happens in ways we never imagine.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:03 PM   #12
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I say you should move on, sounds like you are shallow, sh1t, I found out I am too, no shame in that. She will only get fatter when you guys have kids. You will really resent her when she does. There will be many nights of argrument about her weight. She will fall into depression. You and her will both be miserable. Life is too short to be miserable. Time to move on.
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Old 05-06-2013, 12:39 PM   #13
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Read it all, thanks for opening up and being blunt without sugar coating it.

While it is possible your relationship has ran its course I think perhaps you've hit a road block with commitment. Just because you're with someone doesn't necessarily mean you are commited. Just because you have your career in place doesn't mean you're commited to it anymore. A lot of times relationships are just the most visible form of deeper issue's that we have with ourselves. I think now that you're at an age where you are looking long term as opposed to short is bringing this out of you. I'd say some soul searching is on order which is why you want time away. Get away just by yourself for a weekend, go for a drive check in to a hotel by some stuff or activities you've been meaning to do for you. Find yourself as you lost it by immersing yourself in your own life. Keep us updated, I'm jealous of that freedom you have personally as I'm the same age but a few steps behind you thanks to my own struggles.
Thank you, good advice there. Didn't even think about it that way.

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I say you should move on, sounds like you are shallow, sh1t, I found out I am too, no shame in that. She will only get fatter when you guys have kids. You will really resent her when she does. There will be many nights of argrument about her weight. She will fall into depression. You and her will both be miserable. Life is too short to be miserable. Time to move on.
Thank you for your comment.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:33 PM   #14
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OP, I have had a similar situation. Broke up with her, then dated another girl for a year, then got back with her. Now we are happy and getting married soon.
You will never realize what you are missing until you actually leave her. Now, I will never leave her. Just to give you an idea, we were together for 10 years before we broke up. Then after a year of break up, we got back together and are going strong for 2 years and are very much planning the future together. During that time she didnt date anyone, it was me who broke up with her and dated another girl.

Take your steps very carefully, a break up might just push you to more severe depression. You have to realize that relationship goes to a deadlock when there is nothing you guys do together. Take a vacation, bring her to your hobby or join her hobby. Spend more time together actually doing things rather than staying together and doing nothing. I take her to fishing and camping, although she hates being outdoors(she gets sun burnt badly). Nowadays she even comes and helps when I work on the car and she is the one who is incharge of cleaning the car.
And I do go shopping with her although I hate it, no shame in that.
Finding happiness is the key. You guys just need to find something to do together. Take music lessons, dance lessons. Go to gym together, that will help you with your laziness and her getting fat.

She got fat shouldnt be a reason to break up, unless it was just a fling. A human body changes and you have to accept the change. It comes as a whole package, you cant just select good portions of her.

If nothing seems to work, then its time to move on. But I bet that you will miss her a lot if you break up. Its upto you what route you want to take. Whatever you do, keep a positive attitude. Nothing is worst than having a negative mind that is constantly pushing you to take bad decisions.

Good luck.
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Old 05-06-2013, 03:38 PM   #15
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Old 05-06-2013, 11:30 PM   #16
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OP, I have had a similar situation. Broke up with her, then dated another girl for a year, then got back with her. Now we are happy and getting married soon.
You will never realize what you are missing until you actually leave her. Now, I will never leave her.
Good luck.
To play devil advocate, after dating a girl for 6 years, purposing to her, living together for almost 4 years, and then breaking up; I couldn't be happier. Relationships take you through the ups and downs, good and bad. I've been single for just over a year, made some big changes in my life and I'm finally doing ME. School, work... owning a BMW and planning on purchasing a second for track duty... I'm not having to conform to anyone. On the same token, I miss having someone like "her" around.

The choice is yours, think things out before making drastic decisions.
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Old 05-07-2013, 01:51 AM   #17
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Quote:
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OP, I have had a similar situation. Broke up with her, then dated another girl for a year, then got back with her. Now we are happy and getting married soon.
You will never realize what you are missing until you actually leave her. Now, I will never leave her. Just to give you an idea, we were together for 10 years before we broke up. Then after a year of break up, we got back together and are going strong for 2 years and are very much planning the future together. During that time she didnt date anyone, it was me who broke up with her and dated another girl.

Take your steps very carefully, a break up might just push you to more severe depression. You have to realize that relationship goes to a deadlock when there is nothing you guys do together. Take a vacation, bring her to your hobby or join her hobby. Spend more time together actually doing things rather than staying together and doing nothing. I take her to fishing and camping, although she hates being outdoors(she gets sun burnt badly). Nowadays she even comes and helps when I work on the car and she is the one who is incharge of cleaning the car.
And I do go shopping with her although I hate it, no shame in that.
Finding happiness is the key. You guys just need to find something to do together. Take music lessons, dance lessons. Go to gym together, that will help you with your laziness and her getting fat.

She got fat shouldnt be a reason to break up, unless it was just a fling. A human body changes and you have to accept the change. It comes as a whole package, you cant just select good portions of her.

If nothing seems to work, then its time to move on. But I bet that you will miss her a lot if you break up. Its upto you what route you want to take. Whatever you do, keep a positive attitude. Nothing is worst than having a negative mind that is constantly pushing you to take bad decisions.

Good luck.
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To play devil advocate, after dating a girl for 6 years, purposing to her, living together for almost 4 years, and then breaking up; I couldn't be happier. Relationships take you through the ups and downs, good and bad. I've been single for just over a year, made some big changes in my life and I'm finally doing ME. School, work... owning a BMW and planning on purchasing a second for track duty... I'm not having to conform to anyone. On the same token, I miss having someone like "her" around.

The choice is yours, think things out before making drastic decisions.
Sometimes it's for the best, sometimes it's not. That's the dilemma. You guys show that much. Thank you.

I've seen some great advice. Thank you all guys. I think I can work with this. But keep em coming.
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Old 05-07-2013, 10:40 AM   #18
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My honest opinion: You don't want the relationship, and you're afraid of disappointing the people that are pressuring the relationship to succeed. If I were you, I would question how much resentment you will gain from continuing. In my opinion, the relationship wasn't destined, because no relationship is destined. Being in a relationship is generally destined, but with whom, is undetermined and left up to timing. You're trapped, and you're subconsciously trying to find things wrong with her in hopes that it will end it for you. If you end it for personal reasons, you're afraid of being seen as the villain. If you end it because of her laziness and weight gain, you have enough justification to not be seen completely as the villain.

In my opinion, there's no road to take with this relationship that will lead to happiness. There's one that leads to spending the rest of your life with her, but it won't be happy. The only road to happiness in this situation is to cut ties, get outside of the trap, and find someone YOU want to be with, not one society wants you to be with.
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Old 05-07-2013, 11:22 AM   #19
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My honest opinion: You don't want the relationship, and you're afraid of disappointing the people that are pressuring the relationship to succeed. If I were you, I would question how much resentment you will gain from continuing. In my opinion, the relationship wasn't destined, because no relationship is destined. Being in a relationship is generally destined, but with whom, is undetermined and left up to timing. You're trapped, and you're subconsciously trying to find things wrong with her in hopes that it will end it for you. If you end it for personal reasons, you're afraid of being seen as the villain. If you end it because of her laziness and weight gain, you have enough justification to not be seen completely as the villain.

In my opinion, there's no road to take with this relationship that will lead to happiness. There's one that leads to spending the rest of your life with her, but it won't be happy. The only road to happiness in this situation is to cut ties, get outside of the trap, and find someone YOU want to be with, not one society wants you to be with.
Agreed.

I was once scared of what would happen if I lost my ex which was not healthy. I was not happy and if we ended up together I would not be happy either.

Man up, deal with the pain for a bit and move on with life.
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Old 05-07-2013, 08:53 PM   #20
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must be tough to open up like that.... You seem to have a good insight to yourself and your relationship.

Off hand, it sounds to me like you need more variety / uncertainty in your life to give you new and different stuff to experience. The trick is to keep your gf the constant in your life.

It also seems to me that in part it's about growing up and leaving your boy / youth behind in a way. You can't go backwards nor can you be a carefree boy all your life... Life it seems is pushing you forward and in a way you're resisting. It's sometimes a tough thing to deal with, but once you're over that hurdle it's very rewarding in ways that you can't even imagine right now.
+1
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