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Old 09-18-2008, 02:18 PM   #1
JJR4884
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JJR4884's Guide to a (hopefully) successful relationship

Hello all (sorry about the long post, but if think its worth it, give it a read)

Basically, I see a decent amount of threads about relationship problems, most of them due to immaturity, ignorance, insecurity, and basically just not knowing or understanding out to handle a relationship, so thats why I am starting this thread.

Of the past threads I can remember, first off, and no offense to anyone, but its unfortunate that dating advise is being done on e46f rather than with the person you are in the relationship with. Every single thread that I see proves one thing, your communication with this website is better than the communication with your bf/gf. Yes I know that its easier to discuss things on here and to get advise, especially with touchy subjects, but bottom line......... you NEED to be able to communicate on EVERY ASPECT of the relationship with the person you are in the relationship with.


So first off, communication ties into EVERYTHING, so keep that in mind.

I can think of dozens of probems in relationship right off the top of my head, and it all goes back to communication. Trust issues, control problems, decision making, expressing feelings, seeing eye to eye. If communication fails, say bye bye to the relationship.

Lets talk about those issues for a little bit.

Trust- If you love the person you are with and you are HONEST (another big role) then you should have no problem whatsoever communicating with that person to tell them who you are, what you like, who you are with, and even down to the dreaded "yes she is my friend, she is ONLY a friend." The person you are with has to understand you, and vice versa, that way if you know the person, you can trust them. When was the last time you trusted someone and you didn't even know them?.......never. If a person is insecure and you try as hard as possible to gain their trust, well bottom line, how far are you willing to go before you say "I can't take this anymore, I am so loyal to you but you can't trust me because of your insecurity." Be open, you are not perfect nor should you expect to be absolutely perfect for anyone else, so when you are open about somewhat bad things, at least you give that other person a chance to see who you really are.



Control Problems......... This takes place in about, meh....... 95% percent of relationships. I have never understood it, nor do I want to understand why someone would want to control their bf/gf's life. What to do, how to dress, what not to say, who to hang out with.......... Wow, seems like prison to me, and regardless of the relationship, it is not a good situation to be in. You are in a relationship WITH that person, not FOR them. If you feel like you don't want to do something, STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Now granted, to have a successful relationship, you do need to compromise, so I am not saying it is ok to say no all the time, but i think there should be some sort of agreement and openness to decision making. If you do 9 things for your gf, and the 10th thing she asks you really don't want to, you don't think that you have the right to say "no"? I have seen what happens when one person takes control (99% of the time its the girl) and it really is a sad thing when you see a friend put his tail between his legs when his gf "puts her foot down."




Break ups........ well, they aren't fun, but they always happen. Here is my advice to anyone who is dealing with a break up. First thing that comes to mind when you break up with someone is the following: First kiss, all of the laughs, the sex, vacations, images that you have set in your mind that you will never forget, future plans and thoughts about long term commitment, etc etc etc, basically, all of the good things (of course unless it is downright a sh*tty relationship or if someone cheated on you.) So my advise to that........ go out an DATE as soon as possible. Do I see them as rebounds? eh, sort of, but this is the best thing about dating new people.... You are so used to being with your ex, you love and are used to everything about her. well, when you are all said and done with, meet someone else so that way you can fall in love with their life! I have dated a good amount of girls (not in a "pimp" way lol) but i've had my share, and I gotta say, i love falling in love with other girls' lives. meeting someone new and learning about them, figuring out what you like/dislike about them, and downright finding what is good or bad for you as well..... so date on! it is fun and a great experience!!!

One other thing on break ups.... I can't stand seeing people who eventually break up with someone because of whatever reason, then be sad about it. Yes it is a tough thing to go through, but face it.......... there is a reason why you broke up. If you don't make them happy, so f*cking what! You have to be able to understand that YOU and what you want in YOUR LIFE is not what the other person wants. Is it something to take personally? Absolutely not. My ex gf wanted to move in with me and buy a house together....... sorry, but that is not what i want in my life right now, i don't want it.... We ended up breaking up. Did it suck......... yes, but guess what? We both wanted different things in life, so why take it so bad??? Why can't you accept the fact that even though you have sex with someone, there still is a possibility that person is not for you. Once you can accept that, and once you can say "well why bother being together if we fight all the time" it will make break ups a lot easier.... Even when it comes to cheating. Yea it sucks and its something that will give you nightmares, but bottom line......... that person is a piece of sh*t, BYE. You have to remain strong and positive at all times.

One thing to add........... I have heard so many times "Jonathan I'm not going to give it my all because when I open up my heart, I'm just leaving it to be hurt more".......... Um, what the f*ck kinda crock of sh*t is that? Every relationship I have been in I have given my all EVERY SINGLE TIME. If it doesn't work out, at least be proud and happy that you gave your all, don't be torn because it didn't work out. How do you expect to have a successful relationship if you hold back. When you hold back, that person won't know you, and will damper the entire relationship. Be open, if that person tries to hurt

Remember, a relationship should be finding someone that makes you happy naturally and vice versa (and with some compromise in between.) You should never have to always say no to your own life to make someone else happy. You shouldn't have to change who you are completely` to make someone else happy. You need to be yourself and find someone who loves you for that.

Anyways, I'm at work right now so I can't cover everything that comes to mind, but if there is any questions or topics you'd like to discuss, I'd be more than happy to chime in and help.



Jonathan
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Old 09-18-2008, 02:37 PM   #2
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wow nice write up I certainly agree with everything written here having been in good relationships and god awful shitty ones. alot of wisdom in that post
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Old 09-18-2008, 02:46 PM   #3
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thank you

there are a lot more topics to cover which I will do in the future, but this is it for now
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Old 09-18-2008, 04:48 PM   #4
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if we agree on the same issues, does that mean we're compatibe? if so PM me your number.


great write up
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Old 09-18-2008, 04:54 PM   #5
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in before novare330
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Old 09-18-2008, 05:44 PM   #6
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if we agree on the same issues, does that mean we're compatibe? if so PM me your number.


great write up
oooh baby AIM is JJR4884

cyber asl?

thanks

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lol

and cole and chase and that kid that wants to hire a friggin private investigator lol
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Old 09-18-2008, 06:03 PM   #7
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Nice write up mate, good stuff

You and Stan should be the residential Dr Phil's
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Old 09-18-2008, 11:47 PM   #8
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Nice write up mate, good stuff

You and Stan should be the residential Dr Phil's
lol

Here is a PM I got (i'll keep anonymous haha) about a first date

Here is my advice

Chime in and add if you'd like, but I think its pretty helpful. I actually impressed myself with all the pointers so i figured i would post it



Quote:

I'm gonna say right now, if you overcome the excitement, nervousness, and self consciousness, you will have a great time and enjoy it. I know with first dates, you get the butterflies and you are worried about what to talk about and what not, but there are very simple things that you have to keep in mind.


First off......... if you feel all of the above, trust me on this, she feels just the same, if not more. Guys stress first dates a lot, but girls are 10x worse. They are more worried about what they say, more worried about what they look like, and more worried about what they sound like.... (girls are easily more self conscious than guys, bottom line)

But that's a given. For tomorrow night, FOCUS ON HER. I've been on the forums for almost 2 years now and I know you are a good kid, smart, genuine, funny, etc etc etc, so use it to your advantage rather than "worrying" about any of the above..... The best thing to do in a first date is always show interest (which will come naturally if you are actually interested, which you are) and also make the first move*. I'll explain the first move later on.

Before when I said that I love first dates, I love meeting new people....... its because i am FASCINATED with other types of likes/dislikes, personalities, hobbies, interests, etc etc. I know you are excited and interested so prove it tomorrow. There is sooooooooooooooooooo much to talk about on a first date so there should never be a dull moment. You could talk about food, alcohol (haha my two personal favorites come first,) music, school, hobbies, family, cars* (i'll explain that as well) But bottom line, this is the best chance to really get to know her and what she is about.

If you start chatting, honestly pay attention and listen to what she has to say. You are a sharp kid, i'm sure if she says something you aren't going to reply with a "yea," build off of that and talk about the subject more. Don't hold anything back. Girls love communication, so don't be afraid to voice your opinion on something, ESPECIALLY if it is in agreement with her. Give her a chance to know you as well. Hell.... I have been on first dates before where I would tell them I was nervous, it breaks the ice every single time because they will number 1 think its cute, and number 2 come out and agree with you and tell you the same thing.

But, keep in mind make the night mostly about her. Really probe (not in a PIITB way haha, or investigating way,) and try to pull all of the positive things out of her. What she likes, best vacation she has ever been on, best christmas she has ever had, favorite holiday, favorite season, what she likes to do, etc. When you open up to each other, you really are going to enjoy just sitting there talking with her and learning what she is like.

Now, when I said make the first move, I am not talking about "THE GOOD NIGHT KISS." But use your own judgement...... if you guys are connecting well and the both of you can't shut up....... go in for the kill.............. meaning......... hold her hand. Thats it, no more, no less, just hold her hand. It can be at the dinner table, it can be walking, but do that when you guys connect. This will make the initial bond between you two,its romantic, it is sweet and innocent (like a first date should be,) it is passionate, it is loving, and its something she will never forget. Don't be afraid to tell her you are having a great time, don't hesitate to tell her you are enjoying the conversation. When you get comfortable like that, you can make a joke and say "omg i was so nervous before"...... which will break some ice. And go ahead and give her a compliment, but don't break out the "beautiful eyes" comment. Talk about her smile, or even maybe something she is wearing (believe it or not, i have complimented girls' shoes before and you won't believe the reaction, that's like a girl saying she loves your car)


Now, I mentioned the car before..... Well, if she starts asking you what you like, don't be afraid to talk about your car. Clearly don't go overboard like you do on here lol but it is a passion of yours, let her know that. Who knows, she might like it, but it is definitely ok to talk about the ride and all of your good friends on here (coughcoughjonathancoughcough.) haha, j/k don't mention the website, she'll think its weird on a first date lol.

Pointer...... I would give her a call tomorrow and try to get some hints on what she likes. If you do the cliche first date, it will make it awkward. I know you mentioned going for a walk, but maybe think of something a little more fun and laid back, something to take the ease off of "THE FIRST DATE." Ask her what kind of food she likes, and when she says idk, tell her straight out, I want to take you somewhere you would like, and give suggestions.... do you like steak, seafood, chinese, pig guts, whatever!!!!

If you have any ideas about tomorrow night, run them by me and i'll try to think of other things to do, but bottom line try to make it as laid back and comfortable as possible, simply because those forced intimate situations (i.e. a walk) may cause a little awkwardness, which will then lead into silence, which will then lead into "oh f*ck"

Talk to some girls that you know tomorrow, it is the best piece of advice you can get........ sh*t even ask your mom for some ideas.... girls know what girls like, so if you have a few friends you could ask, or whoever (not an ex gf haha), ask away and get some ideas.

I'm sure you know, but lets go over the basics. Keep your eyes on her, eye contact is huge not to mention, i'm sure she doesn't want to see you checking someone else out lol. Open up the door for her, thats a given. And bring out the positive in her, like the examples I gave above.

You'll be fine bud, I know you will. Have a blast tomorrow night and really get to know her. Gauge interest, and when she knows you are interested, she'll show to you that she is interested.

And if you go in for the kiss tomorrow night, make sure its on the lips, slow and passionate. I never really did like the whole cheek thing so if you are gonna go for it, go for the gold.


Your eyes must be bleeding as much as my fingers now.... lol

Good luck!
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Old 09-19-2008, 12:17 AM   #9
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Anonymity is bull...lol.

Thanks for the help Jonathan.
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Old 09-19-2008, 12:18 AM   #10
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lol hahaha

anytime buddy
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Old 09-19-2008, 01:55 AM   #11
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excellent write up sticky needed

i havent been able to come in here as much with so much going on recently lol but glad to see others stepping it up to give good quality advice to those in need

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o hai

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Nice write up mate, good stuff

You and Stan should be the residential Dr Phil's
hahahahaha theres def more than just me and JJ here giving advice, there are a few of us in here that pop in every now and then to help out, i say together, we can all be ONE dr phil
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Old 09-19-2008, 08:48 AM   #12
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thanks stan

i agree, there is usually very good relationship advice in her, especially the "piitb's"
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Old 09-19-2008, 08:49 AM   #13
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JJ How long have you been in this successful relationship?
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Old 09-19-2008, 09:03 AM   #14
JJR4884
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I have been in several........ anywhere from 1-3 years
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Old 09-21-2008, 11:23 AM   #15
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Wow... Really great advice there.

Thanks, man.

(somebody should sticky this)
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Old 09-21-2008, 02:57 PM   #16
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never had a thread stickied

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Old 09-21-2008, 05:53 PM   #17
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Old 09-21-2008, 11:33 PM   #18
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too bad this thread couldn't be posted in OT....... i should have for some initial posts, i feel like its real good advice

goddamn you love line
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Old 09-22-2008, 12:26 PM   #19
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Trust+understanding=good relationship

good read though
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