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Old 09-13-2013, 04:25 AM   #1
Ethaniscool
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Guys I Need advice.

Im going to try and make this short and sweet.
Current girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now.
Great girl, super supportive, of me. Yada yada.

Current problem is this.
I have had a sketchy past with women/girlfriends. Being the 17 year old kid I was I cheated on a few girlfriends. As I grew up "Currently 22" I realized how horrible and dishonest that was and have since done a complete 360.

Well, I never told the current Girlfriend about any of it because I am ashamed of it quite honestly. I never cheated on the current GF but there was one girl I used to text from out of town that I really shouldn't have been but hey stupidity is common with me. So their are some trust issues coming from that too. I feel like over the past couple months the relationship has been getting very serious and I wanted to tell her but I just wasn't ready to tell her you know. She asked if I ever cheated on anyone and I told her no in the fear that if I said yes she would leave me on the spot. But recently someone who know told her and of course I had to say yes. But she is saying that I lied which I did and It was dishonest. But I tried to explain it to her that I wanted to tell her I just wasn't ready and she is basically taking the tone of "I dont care, you lied....what else have you lied about. and just isnt letting up.

At the beginning of the relationship I wasn't the best boyfriend, but when I tell you Im giving my 100% on everything I am. I cant change the past but I can change the future and make sure I dont fall into the wrong place. Its alot of struggles with myself but Im doing it. So...


What the hell can I do guys?
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Old 09-13-2013, 05:49 AM   #2
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Well youīve put yourself in a pretty tight spot, and one hell of an uphill battle. Iīve been on the other side and forgiving someone who has cheated on you isnīt easy and takes a lot of time. Personally, I couldnīt do it.

The only thing you can do, imho, is ask her what you can do to prove to her that you are faithful and wonīt do it to her. If she says nothing then I guess thatīs it, move on. You have to realize she will have a really hard time believing you either way. Had you told you had cheated in the past then that would probably have made her hesitant, but lying about it and then getting caught in the lie makes it worse, obviously. If you truly have changed, which judging by you texting other girls in the not so distant past you havenīt really, then talk to her and ask what you can do to gain her trust back...
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Old 09-13-2013, 08:49 AM   #3
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1. you shouldn't have lied if there was even a 1% chance of you getting called out on it.

2. Just continue to be a good dude. Your girl has insecurity issues if she thinks that you did in the past has anything to do with her.
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:00 AM   #4
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you may have fvcked this one up. seems like you've learned from it.

why did you cheat on gfs? was your dad a womanizer? where did you learn that behavior?
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:47 AM   #5
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Well youīve put yourself in a pretty tight spot, and one hell of an uphill battle. Iīve been on the other side and forgiving someone who has cheated on you isnīt easy and takes a lot of time. Personally, I couldnīt do it.

The only thing you can do, imho, is ask her what you can do to prove to her that you are faithful and wonīt do it to her. If she says nothing then I guess thatīs it, move on. You have to realize she will have a really hard time believing you either way. Had you told you had cheated in the past then that would probably have made her hesitant, but lying about it and then getting caught in the lie makes it worse, obviously. If you truly have changed, which judging by you texting other girls in the not so distant past you havenīt really, then talk to her and ask what you can do to gain her trust back...
The thing is, is that I was afraid to tell her because if I did she would just get up and leave, she is that kinda person, so I wanted there to be more substance to the relationship before I put to much weight on her. Basically this girl has really made me grow up relationally which I like, but its like every time we start doing fantastic something comes up that makes her hesitant to not trust me and its the most frustrating thing ever. Because Im really putting myself on the line here. And its always stuff from my past that Im trying to get over, but I cant if its constantly being brought up again and again.

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Originally Posted by DylloS View Post
1. you shouldn't have lied if there was even a 1% chance of you getting called out on it.

2. Just continue to be a good dude. Your girl has insecurity issues if she thinks that you did in the past has anything to do with her.
I didn't think I did. I had a nervous breakdown about a two months ago and told two of my best friends who I trust very much. Well my GF is now rooming with one and of course they are telling her things that I had a hard time saying to them (I told them that I had cheated on previous girlfriends) But I told them in compete confidence But now they are telling her every little thing about my past and its just hard to dodge this stuff. I've really made a huge change because I care about the girl that much and its just constantly being brought up.

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you may have fvcked this one up. seems like you've learned from it.

why did you cheat on gfs? was your dad a womanizer? where did you learn that behavior?
I've defiantly learned from it. And why did I cheat in the first place. Yes my dad was a womanizer and a complete drunk. I was 17-18 at the time and was selfish, I didn't know anything else Like I said I hate myself for my previous actions and Ive taken the steps to make sure that doesn't happen again.



And just to give a little background on What had happend previously.
I meet a pretty attractive girl out in Houston about two years ago. We would call, text Skype that kinda thing. We of course liked each other yada yada. Well At the time I was really trying to stop talking to her as much as I was because I felt it was unhealthy, (I had driven out there 2 times to see her and she never came to see me) so basically I felt I was waisting my time. But I really started being distant with her and we would only talk on occasion. BUT when we did talk it was always "I miss yous" "Wish I could see you" those types of things. It had gone to the point of only facebook messages. Well I meet the current girl and about 3 months in I left me facebook open and she went look, Of course she found all of the old messages between this other girl and I. So she freaked out. I understand why she did cause a few where when me and her were together. But she really treated the situation like I went to see this other girl and fvucked her behind her back. WHICH I DIDNT. I have a lot of trouble with change and making people upset so I was hard to just drop the previous girl. Mind you I did tell the other girl I had a New Girlfriend and was moving on but none of that mattered in her eyes. Cause I cheated and thats it.

So since then, Ive really made a effort, Ive deleted every girl that I would even remotely find attractive or be instreasted in from all my social media, Basically ive cleaned up my act because I care about this current girl and I am afraid to lose her. Simple as that. And I really like the person Ive become. Faithful, and honest. I do have trouble opening up to people, because of my childhood but Ive been doing my best but it just seems like its not enough.



Sorry if thats alot guys. i just really dont have anyone else to talk to.
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Old 09-13-2013, 09:54 AM   #6
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Hey man, you've been through a lot. As you said, when you grow up with a bad example, it's all you know and how you yourself will act. to you, it's normal. Your best chance with the current girl is to lay it all out for her. tell her your past and be honest. if that's not enough for her, then move on. i'd also suggest possibly seeing a counselor to deal with your issues. this might even be worth mentioning to the current gf to let her know you are serious about changing and seeing a professional to help.
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:09 AM   #7
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Hey man, you've been through a lot. As you said, when you grow up with a bad example, it's all you know and how you yourself will act. to you, it's normal. Your best chance with the current girl is to lay it all out for her. tell her your past and be honest. if that's not enough for her, then move on. i'd also suggest possibly seeing a counselor to deal with your issues. this might even be worth mentioning to the current gf to let her know you are serious about changing and seeing a professional to help.
I really want to see someone I always have but I simply cant afford it. I barely have enough money to feed myself right now so paying for something like that is out of my reach. But I am very serious about the change. I have been dead honest with her for the past 5 months. It was just that one thing(cheating on ex's) and like I said, I was ashamed so I was afraid if I did say something then she would pick up and leave. But obviously i've put myself in a worst situation, and in retrospect I would have done things different but I can't obviously.
One thing that has really hurt me is that she asked three of my best friends if Ive ever cheated on her and they ALL said. "I know he has cheated on girlfriends in the past but i dont know if he did on you, But I wouldn't put it past him" Like how can I move on with stuff like this happening, I understand that Im the only one to blame for all this but Its like this is why I feel I cant tell anyone anything because when I do someone ALWAYS opens there mouths.
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:48 AM   #8
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Lesson Learned

My heart goes out to you brother, it sounds like you are feeling like a victim, which I guess you are even though it is because of your actions. When we are in a victim state we don't see choices easily. So I will walk with you through this if you want to.

In relationships the quicker you get your "not best side" disclosed (within reason) the quicker you get to the "is this a keeper" question answered. If she would have reacted like she did when you disclose this in the beginning you would have been off the hook and on to finding someone that could love you unconditionally. It would have also defused other peoples comments about your past because you had disclosed it to her. (What other people think of us is none of our business)

The main thing now is to continue to tell the truth about your self good, bad and ugly. At some point (soon) you need to ask her if she is ready and able to look past this and move on. If she can't or won't the most loving thing is to end it for both of you. Also important to tell the truth about yourself to those that can see, accept and love you for who you are.

If you want check out reallove.com

Be well and good luck brother
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Old 09-13-2013, 10:49 AM   #9
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1.) You need to find friends you trust more to disclose your darkest secrets to. Girls are not good for that since they all break and they all talk amongst each other even though they say they won't.

2.) I agree that you need to sit her down and lay it all out for her, the whole story start to finish. Let her go through you stuff to show that you have nothing to hide. Then tell her why she's different than all these other people and why this relationship matters more to you than ones in the past.

3.) To be honest if none of this works then you're almost better off starting over with another girl. You've dug yourself a pretty deep hole and it won't be easy to get out of this one.

4.) Only time and effort can deal with this mess, it won't go away overnight.

5.) Don't lie again no matter how bad it is. It only makes it worse when (not if) you get caught.
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Old 09-13-2013, 12:01 PM   #10
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Sorry to hear about the current situation. First I'd say it was a mistake to lie to her. It was part of your past, can't do anything about it more than own up to it and emphasize that you are making a genuine effort to not be that guy anymore. I know girls/guys will go and say "once a cheater, always a cheater" and could understand having a hesitation w/ the current GF as you didn't want her to judge you...however now it has come back around to bite you (as it usually does). Trust is always a big issue in relationships; you have broken that a bit and - as I'm sure you can understand her reasoning - now she is second guessing herself on what to believe. Wish you the best with it man.

As a side note, I can relate with you. In my past I cheated on previous GFs (and have been cheated on). Our mindset sounds quite similar to it now, I look back and hate myself for doing it. I was young, immature and can honestly say I shouldn't have been in the relationships I was for was long as they lasted. I should have just manned up and ended it. I wasn't ready for the relationships however was afraid of losing what I believed I had. I still beat myself up from time to time, but no where near the level I once did. Sh!t happens in life and we have to learn from it and do our best to make a different choice the next time. People cheat, don't think you are the only one to have ever done it in this world...and it will continue to happen. I'm in NO WAY trying to say it is an ok thing to go and do, but do not continue to kick yourself because of it. All the past GFs have moved on to, what I can only imagine, to the life that is best for them. As much as it may have hurt then, we all heal and move on with our lives.

Only time will tell for your current situation. As stated it will definitely not be something fixed overnight. If she can get over it then great, but she needs to be honest with you about it. Just continue to be the person you have turned yourself into, you've worked hard at it (as it sounds), and hope it can sort itself out.
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Old 09-13-2013, 12:13 PM   #11
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You lied. Say this to yourself-----that you lied to her. It is difficult to every have a honest relationship if one is not truthful. And you were not. Never lie with the one you are about to enter a relationship.
As for the current situation, tell her you lied and why. Be honest and ask her for her to forgive you and that it will never happen again between the two of you. And if it does, she is right in sizing you up for what you are.
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Old 09-13-2013, 02:02 PM   #12
casino is no lie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ethaniscool View Post
Im going to try and make this short and sweet.
Current girlfriend and I have been together for a few months now.
Great girl, super supportive, of me. Yada yada.

Current problem is this.
I have had a sketchy past with women/girlfriends. Being the 17 year old kid I was I cheated on a few girlfriends. As I grew up "Currently 22" I realized how horrible and dishonest that was and have since done a complete 360.
Which would imply you're right back where you started from...
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Old 09-13-2013, 03:21 PM   #13
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The biggest problem Is that she is going to say "I have heard this all before" and I have said actions speak loader then words and all she had to say was "Exactly, your actions are speaking louder then words." Like where am I supposed to go from here?


Thanks so much for the support guys.
We are going to a football game tonight and she said she is wanting to talk about it so Ill let you guys know the results. You all have been a huge help.
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Old 09-13-2013, 03:22 PM   #14
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Which would imply you're right back where you started from...
It was a expression.......not literal. I have changed what I was doing and for the better.
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Old 09-13-2013, 04:33 PM   #15
casino is no lie
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It was a expression.......not literal. I have changed what I was doing and for the better.
The expression is you've done a 180.
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Old 09-14-2013, 11:59 AM   #16
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Re: Guys I Need advice.

What is the update?

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Old 09-14-2013, 02:33 PM   #17
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The expression is you've done a 180.
Excuse my wrong use of an analogy.

Quote:
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What is the update?

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Alright so last night got pretty intense.
So we were on the way to the football game to watch her younger sister cheer and meet up with her dad and grandmother. On the way she just started talking about how honesty is the biggest thing for her which I completely understand. And want that as well. I tried to explain to her that yes it was a mistake to lie, but that tell her I cheated on ex girlfriends in the past is just something realy hard to talk about regardless of who it is. And I asked her to please understand that. I told her that I just haven't been ready to tell her yet. Too which she replied by telling me that "Exactly you were only thinking about when the time was right for YOU *aka me*" And I mean I dont know how else I could have said that. And I told her I was deaply sorry that I wasnt the kid I used to be, I was missguided and selfish at the time. I also said that I hope my actions over the past couple months have show that Im really working to make this all work. And the worst part of all is she would just sit there and not say a word and not even look at me. THAT frustrated me so much.



Then on top of it all. She got another delightful story about my past.

When I was In highschool, I was friends with a guy named ian. Not close friends but friends. I had tried to get with his GF before they even knew each other and when they did I backed off. THey dated for about a year and then he left her because he felt she cheated on him. (She went to a guys friends house and the guy made a move and she rejected it) But in his eyes she cheated. So yada yada I consoled him for the most part and was trying to be a good guy. Well a few months had passed and ian had moved on to a new girl. Well his ex approached me and we got together. Mined you me and Ian werent close friends to begin with I mean I didnt sleep at his house we only hung out when mutal friends were all together. He found out and flipped ****. Mind you I know it was wrong now but since me and him were not close friends to begine with I didnt think anything was wrong because he had moved on and was done with it.
But the GF found out about this yesterday and that just further put me back and she said she couldnt believe that I did that to someone I was friends with

Once again another example of my past coming back to haunt me, the exact things that I tried to get away from to move forward

And to top it off, My friend that my GF is living with at college, she is "talking" tto this ian guy and hom and all his friends have nothing good to say about me. And they are all hanging out tonight. JUst what I need right now. "


Cliffs
1. Big argument
2. I raised my voice and shouldnt have but I just got too frustrated.
3. She said she is not going to give up on me
4. Its going to be a long road but I have to do it.
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Old 09-15-2013, 10:57 AM   #18
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Guys I Need advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DylloS View Post
1. you shouldn't have lied if there was even a 1% chance of you getting called out on it.

2. Just continue to be a good dude. Your girl has insecurity issues if she thinks that you did in the past has anything to do with her.
Agreed. You need to continue to show what a good bf you are; she is insecure and nothing you say will change that right now.


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Old 09-15-2013, 05:18 PM   #19
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Agreed. You need to continue to show what a good bf you are; she is insecure and nothing you say will change that right now.


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Old 09-16-2013, 09:25 AM   #20
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It's tough when everyone around her thinks you're a sh1tty dude. Seems like this isn't going to end well for you.
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