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Old 10-15-2013, 11:48 AM   #1
redtoesblue
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Need feedback for friend situation

I don't know how to advise my friend, here is the situation:

He's been going out w/ girl for over a year. They discuss potential marriage, kids, future, etc. during the course.

She had odd behavior whenever he brought up her neighbor whom he's met a few times. She claims a brother like relationship w/ neighbor. Neighbor moves away out of country. She's friends w/ him on Facebook.

He decided to sign into her Facebook & noticed she's been communicating w/ this guy reminiscing about when they were together (she was seeing this guy for a short period before meeting him). She's also conversing about the relationship she has w/ my friend & how he isn't as supportive as the neighbor & how she missed making love to neighbor. But also tells neighbor that she's in a relationship & happy.

My friend also finds messages from other dudes she's been w/ in the past, which go into details of their sexual interactions. They are old & the only recent messages are guys trying to start conversations w/ her & her not responding. But the message history is there.

There is a bunch more similar stuff too. But bottom line there is communication w/ neighbor ongoing about their own individual relationships w/ an occasional reference to the past.

Is this cheating? Should he confront her given that he only found out through accessing her Facebook w/ out her permission?

I want to help my buddy out, but want to give some sound advice.
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Old 10-15-2013, 11:54 AM   #2
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Need feedback for friend situation

She is not fully invested. And it's been a year so she never will be. She wants to live in a Facebook world and enjoys that more that real life. He needs to get out.
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Old 10-15-2013, 12:31 PM   #3
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Re: Need feedback for friend situation

Tell your friend to RUN. No need to try and work things out in "hope" that things will get better. They won't. If he doesn't listen to me he will end up like the other fanatic who got used for over 15K!!

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Old 10-15-2013, 01:02 PM   #4
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Here is the odd thing, I know her well too. I know both of them equally, she has invested heavily on getting married, parents meeting him etc. So I know she's serious on her part. It's just baffling how her behavior is. She's got money so she isn't dependent upon him at all. She talks about him all the time to her friends, makes plans for him to be included, etc.

From what I'm gathering she's communicating w/ her neighbor who she used to go out w/ & discussing their current lives, giving each other advice on professional stuff & other topics. But there was a couple of messages that referenced them being intimate together & how she enjoyed it. The messages referring to the intimate stuff was early on in the relationship w/ my friend. So it was some time ago.
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Old 10-15-2013, 02:05 PM   #5
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I'd bring it up. If she flips about invasion of privacy and ends it then she didn't want it anyway. If she doesn't flip and sees his point of view it will only help. Some girls are oblivious so she might not even realize she's being an idiot.
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Old 10-15-2013, 02:14 PM   #6
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If he felt the need to snoop into her things (FB) to confirm any doubts/insecurities he has regarding the relationship, faithfulness, etc. I'd recommend he question moving forward with her in the first place. Are her actions appropriate? Of course not; and I am not trying to deny that fact. However there seems to be a lack of honesty and trust within the relationship.
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:09 PM   #7
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Re: Need feedback for friend situation

I'd hate to tell ya but this is the beginning of the end. His trust for her is unstable now that he saw those messages. She's venting to her neighbor about your friend, which is a clear sign she is unhappy eventhough she told the neighbor that she is. If I were your friend I'd be on high alert. This is the time for him to dig for answers rather than letting it slide hoping its nothing. Better to mistake her than to be hurt in the end.

You guys thought it was a problem and sought for advices, right? Gut feelings are almost always right.

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Old 10-15-2013, 03:18 PM   #8
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Re: Need feedback for friend situation

I'd keep checking her fb messages from now on but not letting her know and act like everything is cool.
People may look down on this tactic but in the end you have to look out for yourself.

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Old 10-15-2013, 03:49 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DylloS View Post
I'd bring it up. If she flips about invasion of privacy and ends it then she didn't want it anyway. If she doesn't flip and sees his point of view it will only help. Some girls are oblivious so she might not even realize she's being an idiot.
I'm thinking about the invasion of privacy thing myself, since he works in IT and can pretty much access all of her stuff at any time. I'm personally mixed as they're both kind of wrong, he's wrong for accessing her FB & she's wrong for the obvious. So I'm torn.


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If he felt the need to snoop into her things (FB) to confirm any doubts/insecurities he has regarding the relationship, faithfulness, etc. I'd recommend he question moving forward with her in the first place. Are her actions appropriate? Of course not; and I am not trying to deny that fact. However there seems to be a lack of honesty and trust within the relationship.
She wants him to move in with her, that's been a request for some time, so that adds to the element of confusion.

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I'd hate to tell ya but this is the beginning of the end. His trust for her is unstable now that he saw those messages. She's venting to her neighbor about your friend, which is a clear sign she is unhappy eventhough she told the neighbor that she is. If I were your friend I'd be on high alert. This is the time for him to dig for answers rather than letting it slide hoping its nothing. Better to mistake her than to be hurt in the end.

You guys thought it was a problem and sought for advices, right? Gut feelings are almost always right.

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So he should confront her?

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I'd keep checking her fb messages from now on but not letting her know and act like everything is cool.
People may look down on this tactic but in the end you have to look out for yourself.

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So you're saying pretend this never happened & to keep monitoring? For what? If something comes up again, do something?

I greatly appreciate the responses guys, I'm kind of torn, on one side he's very understanding of people having a past, but on the other side that past should remain in the past, which it is. Since, it's not like something is happening right now.

I guess it's kind of like being with someone for a number of years, and one day you find out that they cheated on you like 30 years ago one time, do you forgive & move on? Or divorce?
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Old 10-15-2013, 03:53 PM   #10
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Need feedback for friend situation

1. Don't snoop
2. If you feel the need to snoop, you have to deal with the consequences of that. There is no trust in the relationship. He doesn't trust her, she can't trust him to respect her privacy.

Boom, relationship headshot.


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Old 10-15-2013, 03:56 PM   #11
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Need feedback for friend situation

Quote:
Originally Posted by MorganFreeman View Post
I'd keep checking her fb messages from now on but not letting her know and act like everything is cool.
People may look down on this tactic but in the end you have to look out for yourself.

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What good does this do him or her? He's in a relationship with someone he doesn't trust and resents for her actions. He's not going to be able to "play it cool" like nothing is going on.

She's in a relationship that's falling apart, she doesn't know why he's acting distant and angry all the time, which will just push her closer to other guy.

Sounds like a great foundation upon which to get married.


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Old 10-15-2013, 04:04 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by NOVAbimmer View Post
1. Don't snoop
2. If you feel the need to snoop, you have to deal with the consequences of that. There is no trust in the relationship. He doesn't trust her, she can't trust him to respect her privacy.

Boom, relationship headshot.


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I agree with you, I think that obviously trust is required in a relationship, but, I think something needs to be done either way.


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What good does this do him or her? He's in a relationship with someone he doesn't trust and resents for her actions. He's not going to be able to "play it cool" like nothing is going on.

She's in a relationship that's falling apart, she doesn't know why he's acting distant and angry all the time, which will just push her closer to other guy.

Sounds like a great foundation upon which to get married.


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He's a pretty chill guy, so I am sure he could just play it cool. But I am curious as to the long term purpose.

From what I am gathering, I am thinking that he should have a conversation with her and bring up the topics without disclosing that he knows the information. But what happens if she doesn't fess up?
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Old 10-15-2013, 04:10 PM   #13
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Need feedback for friend situation

He needs to fess up about snooping. He needs to confront her with what he found.

This is assuming that they have a strong relationship built on history together, shared values, mutual trust and respect (up to this), etc etc etc.

If not, he can just end it.


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Old 10-15-2013, 04:15 PM   #14
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Need feedback for friend situation

And I don't care how chill a guy he is. Unless he's really cool with a one-way open relationship, he's not going to be able to keep that bottled up.

The other question he needs to ask himself, and her, is "why is she doing this?" It's easy to say "because she's a stupid slore who doesn't know what she's losing with me, because I'm the greatest goddamn man on the planet and she needs to realize that."

But it's not the case. She's looking outside the relationship for something she's not getting in it. Not that it's his fault she's doing this, but there is a need of hers that isn't being met that she's failing to address, and just hunting around for. It's a bad sign for any kind of future between them. For some reason, she doesn't feel comfortable enough with him to address her unmet needs, or she has and he hasn't responded, so she's getting that need met elsewhere.


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Old 10-15-2013, 04:18 PM   #15
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Sounds like the kind of girl that might want the whole marriage thing but not fully vested in it just wants it to say she has it, idk
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Old 10-15-2013, 04:56 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by NOVAbimmer View Post
He needs to fess up about snooping. He needs to confront her with what he found.

This is assuming that they have a strong relationship built on history together, shared values, mutual trust and respect (up to this), etc etc etc.

If not, he can just end it.


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I'll talk to him to see if he'll bring it up. I don't think he's of the mindset to just end it. Since it's not really current stuff.

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And I don't care how chill a guy he is. Unless he's really cool with a one-way open relationship, he's not going to be able to keep that bottled up.

The other question he needs to ask himself, and her, is "why is she doing this?" It's easy to say "because she's a stupid slore who doesn't know what she's losing with me, because I'm the greatest goddamn man on the planet and she needs to realize that."

But it's not the case. She's looking outside the relationship for something she's not getting in it. Not that it's his fault she's doing this, but there is a need of hers that isn't being met that she's failing to address, and just hunting around for. It's a bad sign for any kind of future between them. For some reason, she doesn't feel comfortable enough with him to address her unmet needs, or she has and he hasn't responded, so she's getting that need met elsewhere.


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I'm not saying he'll bottle it all up indefinitely, but I think he's lenient in a sense where he'll have her prove herself.


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Sounds like the kind of girl that might want the whole marriage thing but not fully vested in it just wants it to say she has it, idk
I don't know. I just know she's wanting a stable future (totally get that she's undermining it).
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Old 10-15-2013, 05:55 PM   #17
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Maybe they should have a mature discussion about this without any input from their weird, meddling, third-wheel friend.
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:03 PM   #18
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Maybe they should have a mature discussion about this without any input from their weird, meddling, third-wheel friend.
lol. I know, but when I'm asked to give honest advice, I'd like to make sure what I'm saying makes sense. Totally not meddling, just playing devils advocate to ensure I've got all angles covered & is fair to everyone. I'm stepping away from this situation as soon as I give him my thoughts as I told him that I'd think about it before giving advice.
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Old 10-15-2013, 06:06 PM   #19
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Need feedback for friend situation

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Originally Posted by peytonracer4 View Post
She is not fully invested. And it's been a year so she never will be. She wants to live in a Facebook world and enjoys that more that real life. He needs to get out.
True.



But also is she wants him to move etc idk he should confront her. He snooped, whatever it's inevitable. Better now than later.


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Old 10-15-2013, 07:31 PM   #20
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lol. I know, but when I'm asked to give honest advice, I'd like to make sure what I'm saying makes sense. Totally not meddling, just playing devils advocate to ensure I've got all angles covered & is fair to everyone. I'm stepping away from this situation as soon as I give him my thoughts as I told him that I'd think about it before giving advice.
As long as he's asked for it. Sorry you have found yourself involved, though.
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