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Love Line

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Old 01-06-2014, 05:50 PM   #1
Sentaruu
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Well, this sucks

I never thought I would be making a thread like this, but I need to vent. My fiancÚ and I are splitting up. I am completely floored by this, she leaves to go to a bridal shower, and comes home and tells me she needs some time alone, away from me. so after spending an awkward night together, she packed some of her things, took our dog to surgery and is staying w/ a friend for god knows how long.(keeping the dog with her).

a little backstory on our relationship and all of the **** we've endured... we've been together for 6 and a half years. and in those years her cousin committed suicide, her father got sick with cancer, her mother got sick with cancer, her mother died of cancer, her father died of cancer, she lost her house and got into a legal battle with her (estranged)half siblings over her father's estate. so needless to say she has had a lot of **** on her plate these past years, and dealing with depression because of it. and my parents are going through a sloppy breakup, we had to rent off them after losing her house while we tried to find a home and get back on our feet. and to top that off my father was just diagnosed with cancer last week.

now what I don't understand is how this seemingly came out of nowhere. she always told me how she wanted to get married and get a house and practically begged me for a ring. yet she says she has been scared since we got engaged, and that it really slapped her into reality. but she hasn't showed it in the 6 and a half months we've been engaged, she was still having issues with depression, but I thought we were happy, I thought we were fine. sure our living arrangements kind of sucked, house mates were a PITA, but we had plans to buy a house before we got married.. I just... I don't know. she says she needs to take time to work on herself and get her **** together and find out what she wants, I know I have to move on and focus on me, but it's so hard. up until last night I was a happy man with a beautiful fiancÚ, a stupid but adorable dog and plans for a future. it took less than 2 minutes to tear that whole idea to ****.

/emo
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Old 01-06-2014, 06:05 PM   #2
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Seems like you are dodging a bullet. I wouldn't hitch my wagon to a woman who is that unstable, but that is JMHO.
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Old 01-06-2014, 07:51 PM   #3
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at this point i would have rather took the bullet.
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:39 PM   #4
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her parents being sick and dying took up the first 3 1/2-4 years of our lives together between the both of them, not a very romantic time, but it made us very close. we were calling ourselves unofficially engaged for 2 years or so now. I didn't want to propose to her while that crap was going on, she was practically begging for a ring for a few months before I proposed. so for her to come out of the blue and do something like this is unfathomable. I mean, I know she was depressed, I just didn't think she was so unsure about our relationship. honestly, I think she might be a bit jaded on marriage. between her parent(which was a completely broken marriage) and my parents(who just recently started breaking up) I think she might feel that she is doomed to follow the same path.
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Old 01-06-2014, 08:53 PM   #5
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Well, this sucks

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Originally Posted by SLVR JDM View Post
Seems like you are dodging a bullet. I wouldn't hitch my wagon to a woman who is that unstable, but that is JMHO.
Sounds like my old relationship. Lotsss of issues on her end that made her unsure of things.


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Old 01-07-2014, 11:12 AM   #6
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sorry, man.

could it have anything to do with her losing so many people close to her, that she is having a hard time being with you for fear that she will lose you too?

all i can say right now it to hang tight, give her time and then sit down to talk when she is ready. i guess just let her know you want to talk when she's ready and do what you can to stay busy and keep your mind off of it. just know, you can't force someone to want to be with you, so if she says she is done, you will be better off not doing everything possible to win her back and convince her to be with you. it would be a waste of time and risky to get back with someone like that.
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Old 01-07-2014, 11:40 AM   #7
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Marriage is hard work. You need someone who is willing to stick in there to work through tough times regardless what the issue might be. You don't need someone who is going to blindside you without telling you what problem they are facing, taking time away without explanation, etc. That isn't behavior which will contribute to the health of your relationship or marriage.

You might give it a shot to see what her issue is that she's working through right now, but she needs to know that this can't be how issues are handled in the long run or your relationship will fail. Until this is ironed out, I wouldn't proceed with marriage. If she's unwilling to change and handle things in a mature manner then it is time to move on.
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Old 01-07-2014, 11:45 AM   #8
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Damn dude. My condolences for your/her relatives. As unfortunate as this is it will give you a chance to take a step back from the chaos and really determine if the life you want to live is with her. Regardless of the answer you come up with, give her and yourself some space.


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Old 01-07-2014, 11:56 AM   #9
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I learned a lot as I fumbled through relationships in my college years and through my mid 20's (including my first year or two of marriage).

If I would have had half the knowledge then as I have now, I would have really benefitted. I didn't have the type of friends that could offer constructive advice, nor did I let my friends / family know the various challenges that I had when I was going through them. A lot of the things I learned just came from working through things and now having some 20/20 hindsight that makes things very clear.

Some of the things I offer in terms of advice are much easier said than done, but ultimately relationships are hard work and you can only be successful with someone who is really willing to work through the tough stuff with you.
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Old 01-07-2014, 04:30 PM   #10
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i appreciate the input here. I have already made up my mind that she is the one for me, and there will always be a place in my heart for her. I am very disappointed in the manner in which she has chosen to conduct herself but I know she has stress and anxiety(I wont fault her for that, everyone has something wrong with them). I will not wait for her, but if she decides to come around I will gladly welcome her back into my life. until then I will just try to better myself and my situation. it's just so weird waking up to an empty bed.
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Old 01-08-2014, 01:48 PM   #11
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Originally Posted by slvr jdm View Post
marriage is hard work. You need someone who is willing to stick in there to work through tough times regardless what the issue might be. You don't need someone who is going to blindside you without telling you what problem they are facing, taking time away without explanation, etc. That isn't behavior which will contribute to the health of your relationship or marriage.

You might give it a shot to see what her issue is that she's working through right now, but she needs to know that this can't be how issues are handled in the long run or your relationship will fail. Until this is ironed out, i wouldn't proceed with marriage. If she's unwilling to change and handle things in a mature manner then it is time to move on.
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Old 01-12-2014, 04:50 PM   #12
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little update- it's been almost a week and she hasn't been back for any of her stuff. we haven't talked much other than her giving me updates on the dog and telling me how hectic her life is right now. part of me wants to give her an ultimatum, either come back home or get your **** out of here, but the other part of me wants to just give her some time as it really isn't (consciously) bothering me. i am however getting to the point where i want answers.
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Old 01-12-2014, 05:37 PM   #13
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little update- it's been almost a week and she hasn't been back for any of her stuff. we haven't talked much other than her giving me updates on the dog and telling me how hectic her life is right now. part of me wants to give her an ultimatum, either come back home or get your **** out of here, but the other part of me wants to just give her some time as it really isn't (consciously) bothering me. i am however getting to the point where i want answers.
If you know her friend i would ask her how shes doing...like if shes always talking about you or if she seems like shes just trying to move on... a week is kind of a short period to gauge though... tell her friend that you really care for her and you are worried for the future of your relationship and that if she could kind of keep you updated on her moods and attitude toward you.... alternativly call your girl and tell her you want to meet in a nuetral place to talk...then put it all on the table.

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Old 01-13-2014, 04:53 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sentaruu View Post
little update- it's been almost a week and she hasn't been back for any of her stuff. we haven't talked much other than her giving me updates on the dog and telling me how hectic her life is right now. part of me wants to give her an ultimatum, either come back home or get your **** out of here, but the other part of me wants to just give her some time as it really isn't (consciously) bothering me. i am however getting to the point where i want answers.
text her, saying: when you gonna pick up the rest of your stuff? no more, no less.
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Old 01-13-2014, 09:37 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by SLVR JDM View Post
Marriage is hard work. You need someone who is willing to stick in there to work through tough times regardless what the issue might be. You don't need someone who is going to blindside you without telling you what problem they are facing, taking time away without explanation, etc. That isn't behavior which will contribute to the health of your relationship or marriage.

You might give it a shot to see what her issue is that she's working through right now, but she needs to know that this can't be how issues are handled in the long run or your relationship will fail. Until this is ironed out, I wouldn't proceed with marriage. If she's unwilling to change and handle things in a mature manner then it is time to move on.
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Old 01-13-2014, 12:36 PM   #16
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Seems like you are dodging a bullet. I wouldn't hitch my wagon to a woman who is that unstable, but that is JMHO.
+1, there are so many good girls out there w/o all the drama, hate to say this but girls from broken families tends to repeat. Everyone who came from a good family are still married at my workplace, the two that came from a divorce family are now divorced.

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Why were you together so long before deciding to get married? The answer to that question probably holds a clue as to what just happened.
Seems like they've been through a lot and being together for 6.5 years isn't a long time. I was with my wife for 9 years b4 we got married. All my cousins and relatives seems to date for at least 8 before they got married so no big deal.

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little update- it's been almost a week and she hasn't been back for any of her stuff. we haven't talked much other than her giving me updates on the dog and telling me how hectic her life is right now. part of me wants to give her an ultimatum, either come back home or get your **** out of here, but the other part of me wants to just give her some time as it really isn't (consciously) bothering me. i am however getting to the point where i want answers.
This might be a long shot but could she be seeing someone else that you don't know about? This happened to a good friend of mine. She was going through a lot, deaths in family, financial problems, etc and she found someone that listen, slept with the guy and was dating him whilst still living with my friend. He thought everything was normal as they were still having sex, he brought a ring, thought everything was great and all of a sudden. She just left and within a year she married the new guy. I think this really dramatize my friend, he is nearly 40 years old and only dates, as soon as someone tries to get serious, he dumps them.
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Old 01-13-2014, 06:54 PM   #17
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I don't think that she is the type of person to cheat on me. i am not na´ve enough to think she would never do that, but in my honest opinion i don't think she has, or would do that. but, the thought has crossed my mind considering how abrupt this all has been. I think that if there was another man she would have come back for her things by now. it looks like she has packed for a long vacation. she took some of her clothes, her toiletries/lotions/nail polish, a bunch of shoes, her alarm clock, laptop and some other little things. most of her stuff, including things like her jewelry box, and other very important things to her including item's of her mother's are still here where they normally are. she's sending really mixed messages at this point.
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:14 PM   #18
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think shes cheating on you bruh sorry 2 hear
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:37 PM   #19
Sentaruu
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talked to her today. she says she loves me, and is incredibly sorry for hurting me but just doesn't want a relationship right now. she wants to get her life in order and focus on herself. so she won't be coming home. I am sad to hear it, but glad to finally have an answer so I can start to move on. she says she will be by later this week for the rest of her things, which is good. it's a shame, she is a really great girl, she just has a lot of baggage. the worst part of it all is that I'm losing my best friend and an entire network of extended family.
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Old 01-14-2014, 06:50 PM   #20
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I feel as if there's something missing here. If two people form a long term relationship, one just doesn't get up and leave. In fact, the attachment would be too great to just say "I'm done". You also said, "she begged me for a ring", which means that she might've felt unwanted and confused as to why you hadn't proposed, yet. Maybe a guy came across that swept her off her feet. Forgive me for saying that. Usually 90% of the time it's never "I need to focus on myself", it's something else. Just a thought.

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