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Old 01-08-2014, 10:14 PM   #1
bostonsc4
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Smile Thinking about tying the knot

Never thought that I'd make a thread with this as the title, but I am slowly beginning to realize that this thought is all I really conclude with when I think about my girlfriend and I's future together. We've been together 2 years this month, had an incredibly large amount of ups and downs that almost spelled the end of us at one point, but we are in a place now that trumps everything we've ever really been through. I know its going to seem like the typical story of the boyfriend going through the military and being ready to get married for the $ and because I went 2 months in basic without seeing her. That has much to do with it, but it really is more than that. I can honestly say that at this point I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

I'm currently active duty Air Force and miss the absolute crap out of her. I was fortunate enough to see her and my family over Christmas break, but being away from her genuinely hurts. I trust this woman, and that takes a lot to say with confidence and not lying to yourself. She's a junior in college and lives on campus with every chance in the world to pursue other interests than me, but remains faithful to me even when I'm so far away. She lives with my good friends that support her and me, its just a great set up. I will say going through basic made me realize how much I truly am invested in her, and just how much she is equally in me. She frequently talks about the thought of getting married and how much she would desire to. I'm 23 and she's 21, she's got 1 year left of college. By that time I'll be at a duty station somewhere in the world (find out in 2 weeks) and would love more than anything for her to move out and live with me. So a marriage would be at least 1.5 years out from this point forth.

It's just such an overwhelming thought and feeling that this could be it, that I'm not sure how to feel. A complication I can see happening though is that I cannot afford a wedding / desirable ring just yet, and that I would not want to rush into a marriage just to be together again. The problem is that unless we're married the military won't allow us to live together, (I don't have off base housing yet) so we would have to be separated until I get BAH, or choose to get married with courthouse which neither of us want to do. I guess the rush would be that when she graduates she's going to have 100k in loans and needs to find a career / means to pay that back within 6 months from graduating, and would probably have a difficult time changing jobs and careers that soon after. (I realize a military marriage is going to be filled with that, just maybe not right out of the gates)

How did you guys feel when you began to feel like you had the one? How soon after did you propose? Let's discuss! Anxious to talk with other lads about this.
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Old 01-09-2014, 08:08 AM   #2
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I'll say this. If you think it's going to be the same forever wait it out for another year or 2 then rethink it. If you still feel the same way then you'll know there was no reason to jump right in. At that point you will be much more mature and established. I'm 31 and get freaked out by it man. Almost all my friends are getting married now.

Think of it like this. If it's going to be good for the rest of your lives, it doesn't matter if you make things official in a few weeks or a few years. Have you talked about it with her? Pretend the military wasn't there. Would you still do it? If the answer is no. Wait it out. No risk unless you feel insecure about her changing her feelings over the next few years.

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Old 01-09-2014, 08:23 AM   #3
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You have one plus in that you love her and want to be with her but you have many minuses in everything else. Being together for two years at your age is, IMO, not really all that long. Not to mention your ability to support and care for your family.

100k in student loans is not something to take lightly at all, that will loom over your heads for years. She will need a career to pay that back, will she be able to get one where you are stationed and will she be able to move jobs rapidly when you get moved? Weddings are expensive even if you try and do it on the cheap. I just got married last summer and the amount spent on my wedding made me sick. My wife isn't the person to blow money and we didn't splurge on anything so we tried to do everything on the cheap. Not to mention the cost of a ring.

Getting married isn't always the answer and so I'm going to agree with Solly and say wait a while longer and see how it goes. You both are still very young and your lives are about to change dramatically in the next year or two with her graduation and your moving. I'd wait a little while longer to see how that goes before taking the plunge.
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Old 01-09-2014, 08:29 AM   #4
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You have one plus in that you love her and want to be with her but you have many minuses in everything else. Being together for two years at your age is, IMO, not really all that long. Not to mention your ability to support and care for your family.

100k in student loans is not something to take lightly at all, that will loom over your heads for years. She will need a career to pay that back, will she be able to get one where you are stationed and will she be able to move jobs rapidly when you get moved? Weddings are expensive even if you try and do it on the cheap. I just got married last summer and the amount spent on my wedding made me sick. My wife isn't the person to blow money and we didn't splurge on anything so we tried to do everything on the cheap. Not to mention the cost of a ring.

Getting married isn't always the answer and so I'm going to agree with Solly and say wait a while longer and see how it goes. You both are still very young and your lives are about to change dramatically in the next year or two with her graduation and your moving. I'd wait a little while longer to see how that goes before taking the plunge.
I know a lot of military couples. Every one of the women seem to be like little puppies that just follow their man around. It works for some but if you have a strong woman that wants to make something for herself it's extremely difficult when you're in this situation.
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Old 01-09-2014, 09:23 AM   #5
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Maybe talk to her about your intentions and concerns and see what she says. That might be a good first step.
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Old 01-09-2014, 09:57 AM   #6
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agree with sam. being together for 2 years at that age is nothing. neither of you are out in the real world yet. and a girl talking about marriage is nothing special. she probably talked about it when she was 12.

like solly said, you don't need to rush into things.

how long would you be at your next location? my advice is to discuss with her that you view her as the one and after she graduates would like her to move close to where you are stationed and find a job after she graduates. to me the bare minimum you should wait to get engaged is after she graduates and even better would be waiting half a year to a year after she is done and has found a job and you two are together while working in the real world.

right now it's a lot of back and forth with missing each other being a part, which is different when you are there day in and day out with each other.
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Old 01-09-2014, 10:48 AM   #7
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I'm with Solly, wait. Making it official won't change anything except make things more complicated if something goes wrong.
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Old 01-09-2014, 10:54 AM   #8
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He's doing it because subconsciously he fears it failing due to long distance. OP, marriage isn't the same prison sentence it used to be. It doesn't solidify a relationship any more than dating.

Be patient and chill out.

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Old 01-09-2014, 11:20 AM   #9
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agree with sam. being together for 2 years at that age is nothing. neither of you are out in the real world yet. and a girl talking about marriage is nothing special. she probably talked about it when she was 12.

like solly said, you don't need to rush into things.

how long would you be at your next location? my advice is to discuss with her that you view her as the one and after she graduates would like her to move close to where you are stationed and find a job after she graduates. to me the bare minimum you should wait to get engaged is after she graduates and even better would be waiting half a year to a year after she is done and has found a job and you two are together while working in the real world.

right now it's a lot of back and forth with missing each other being a part, which is different when you are there day in and day out with each other.
With my old ex from a few years back there were times where I knew if I proposed she would have said yes. We didn't workout. I never thought about doing it but I'm really glad that didn't happen.

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He's doing it because subconsciously he fears it failing due to long distance. OP, marriage isn't the same prison sentence it used to be. It doesn't solidify a relationship any more than dating.

Be patient and chill out.

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agreed. Derek, I feel like you're trying to lock it down which is very dangerous. Of course I hope I'm wrong about it but there is no need at all to get married. It's not something you do out of convenience.
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Old 01-09-2014, 08:08 PM   #10
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Thanks guys for the feedback! Lots to discuss here I think. Since it seems to be what people are suggesting as most important, her and I have certainly talked about it, and frequently at that. She is 100% on board as I am. We also share the same concerns though, we want to be ready for it and do it right, at the right time and not rush it.




Quote:
Originally Posted by DylloS View Post
I'll say this. If you think it's going to be the same forever wait it out for another year or 2 then rethink it. If you still feel the same way then you'll know there was no reason to jump right in. At that point you will be much more mature and established. I'm 31 and get freaked out by it man. Almost all my friends are getting married now.

Think of it like this. If it's going to be good for the rest of your lives, it doesn't matter if you make things official in a few weeks or a few years. Have you talked about it with her? Pretend the military wasn't there. Would you still do it? If the answer is no. Wait it out. No risk unless you feel insecure about her changing her feelings over the next few years.
Fantastic points man, thank you. I think what I forgot to mention is that what her and I think would be the best possible outcome is that I can somehow get off base housing being single (might take some time though, longer than we hope) and move in together first for a few years. That would be perfect. All we really want is to not have 3,000 miles in between us for 6 months at a time. I think I could conclude and say that we both agree we want to marry, but preferably would do it after living together first. Unfortunately with the military you can only live together (paid for by them) if you're hitched.

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Originally Posted by SamDoe1 View Post
You have one plus in that you love her and want to be with her but you have many minuses in everything else. Being together for two years at your age is, IMO, not really all that long. Not to mention your ability to support and care for your family.

100k in student loans is not something to take lightly at all, that will loom over your heads for years. She will need a career to pay that back, will she be able to get one where you are stationed and will she be able to move jobs rapidly when you get moved? Weddings are expensive even if you try and do it on the cheap. I just got married last summer and the amount spent on my wedding made me sick. My wife isn't the person to blow money and we didn't splurge on anything so we tried to do everything on the cheap. Not to mention the cost of a ring.

Getting married isn't always the answer and so I'm going to agree with Solly and say wait a while longer and see how it goes. You both are still very young and your lives are about to change dramatically in the next year or two with her graduation and your moving. I'd wait a little while longer to see how that goes before taking the plunge.
I appreciate it man. It feels so unreal to think about just how much change is coming. The best part about it though is that I'm really just that confident she's not going anywhere. We've shared the mutual feeling numerous times. I definitely do want to make sure when we do it is done right and timed properly, but like I said up there if we were to get married we'd both be where we want to be. So I suppose if we feel this way now, I could confidently say we'd be in the same place 2 years from now when its more appropriate.

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agree with sam. being together for 2 years at that age is nothing. neither of you are out in the real world yet. and a girl talking about marriage is nothing special. she probably talked about it when she was 12.

like solly said, you don't need to rush into things.

how long would you be at your next location? my advice is to discuss with her that you view her as the one and after she graduates would like her to move close to where you are stationed and find a job after she graduates. to me the bare minimum you should wait to get engaged is after she graduates and even better would be waiting half a year to a year after she is done and has found a job and you two are together while working in the real world.

right now it's a lot of back and forth with missing each other being a part, which is different when you are there day in and day out with each other.
I'm enlisted for 4 years active, so I'd be there a minimum of 3.5 years whereever the send me. I'm not 100% sure on how many years I'll stay in, but thats going to have to be something I decide at a later date. But your point on it being different being together full time is certainly something I need to think about. I was home for 2 weeks this holiday season and it was great, our families mesh very well and we enjoyed each other's company almost every day, but it did feel different than how much I miss her right now per say.
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Old 01-15-2014, 09:11 PM   #11
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I have a friend who got married to a kid right before he enlisted in the marines doing ordinance disposal or something of that nature. he has been in for 4 or 5 years now, has only been deployed once, they live just off base together in a beautiful house and they are happy. obviously this isn't the norm but if you were in that position I'd say you could consider it if you really were that serious. but you guys are too young to be getting married while you are away that long. I know you want to try to lock her down while your away but it honestly might make things a lot more complicated. you are going to grow ALOT over the course of your enlistment, she will too. you don't want to come home and be stuck in something you don't want anymore.
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Old 01-19-2014, 11:27 PM   #12
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Old 02-19-2014, 05:34 PM   #13
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Update?
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Old 03-01-2014, 12:27 AM   #14
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Sorry for the lack of an update. Things haven't exactly updated a whole lot to be honest. We still feel the exact same way we did when I posted this thread, a couple months later now and still adapting to me being away. I haven't seen her since Christmas now but by military standards isn't all that much time. Miss the crap out of her but I think we both decided to wait on tying up the knot. Mainly because we can't afford a wedding right now, and want it to be done right. Also if we could live together first that would be ideal but I think we both know it is going to happen eventually. Just shared a really nice valentines day from afar. I'm coming home on April 4th and she's got no idea. Its going to be great.
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Old 03-03-2014, 09:39 PM   #15
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Sorry for the lack of an update. Things haven't exactly updated a whole lot to be honest. We still feel the exact same way we did when I posted this thread, a couple months later now and still adapting to me being away. I haven't seen her since Christmas now but by military standards isn't all that much time. Miss the crap out of her but I think we both decided to wait on tying up the knot. Mainly because we can't afford a wedding right now, and want it to be done right. Also if we could live together first that would be ideal but I think we both know it is going to happen eventually. Just shared a really nice valentines day from afar. I'm coming home on April 4th and she's got no idea. Its going to be great.
Might as well join the rest of the HF forum in here, definitely live together before proposing, this can change things drastically.
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Old 03-10-2014, 04:31 PM   #16
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You don't truly know someone until you've lived with them for some time. Best of luck!
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Old 03-10-2014, 05:36 PM   #17
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I know a lot of people that married at that age to stay together while one or both were in the military. Many of them were women I dated after their divorce. I don't think I know a single person that made it work.

The other side is just the practical aspect- neither of you are in a financial position to start a family now, so if you do decide to get married I hope you have wealthy parents that don't mind contributing until you're both self sufficient.


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Old 03-15-2014, 11:53 AM   #18
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Old 03-15-2014, 01:21 PM   #19
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Old 03-21-2014, 09:01 AM   #20
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She is only 21. You are only 23.

You have both known each other for merely 2 years, and have not lived together.

No matter how strong the bond is, there is no reason to rush into it and it would be financially irresponsible. Like others have said, if this is true love, it should not matter if you get married next week or in a few years.

P.S. - The "honeymoon" stage can last for years. Financial hardship, and different scenarios (i.e. living conditions, location, careers) can show you many more sides of her. Not trying to discourage, but only make you aware.

I was in a 3 year relationship, and things were good for more than 2.

Move in with her.
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