Serious Girlfriend Advice...

Normally, I find myself knowning all the answers when it comes to women. At least, everyone elses woman. I've found that I have a lot of trouble dealing with my girlfriend. I have mild anger issues, yes. I have some problems keeping in rude insults when I get very upset, yes. But I really feel that I need some advice since my girlfriend and I are just staggering along with this issue.

Synopsis of our background ... we've been together, officially, for just over a year now. We were best friends before that. We live together. I'm 20. She's 19.

We have all the same complaints about each other so our arguments are always just a big circle jerk. We can't figure out what pisses each other off and we can't realize how to put aside our differences neatly. She's very stubborn and so am I. I always feel like everything is done her way, she feels like everything is done my way. We both feel that we are impossible.

I try and put everything behind me but I can't live my life knowning that my entire life is censored for safety. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. Other times it feels so perfect. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to terminate this relationship prematurly and have it be the biggest regret of my life, but I can't live each day thinking I'd rather die.

It feels like this big circular triangle. It hurts my head. I don't know what to do. We really do love each other. And about 80% of the time, our relationship is great. But I don't know if 80% is great enough... do I risk it all and hope I end up somewhere close to here with someone else down the road, or do I suck it up since we're both young and try and make things work out until they work out on their own?

I suppose my only major complaint about her is that she's always crabby. I can't stand it. I always feel like she has a stick up her ass and is in a bad mood. It's not just me who see's this... all my friends, her family.. everyone. I've tried to figure out what makes her so cranky, I've tried to figure out how to help her, I've talked to her, etc, etc.. but it seems that I still don't have the magic potion. I ****ing hate this. How do you leave someone you love? Should you leave someone you love due to frustration? is it even love? But what if it is love.. and frustation..

it could be that you are growing apart from each other and dont want to admit it. Between the age of 18 and id say somewhere around 22 you do alot of changing...esspecially if your both in school. This exact thing happened to me at 21. Sounds like you both might need some time to figure out exactly what you want.....find out what makes you both happy.....sometimes this means going your own way till you find yourself

This was our last AIM conversation... like 10 mins ago...

her: so what are WE gonna do? huh?
me: i'm still thinking
her: i mean
her: i love you dearly.
her: but you're not happy
her: and i am tired of being mistreated
me: amen
me: thats it
me: and like
me: i want to be happy.
me: i really deserve it.
her: i know you do
me: and you, you deserve to be treated amazingly
her: i know you deserve the best
her: and I know I fall short
her: i know I do
me: you dont fall short
me: you're just cranky
me: and i can't stand it
her: well, i fall somewhere
me: yeah but where do we fall?
her: well I fall short
her: of being perfect
me: I don't need you to be perfect.
her: because im cranky sometimes
me: Britni, it's not sometimes.
her: thats what you're asking of me, though
her: to never be cranky
me: You are more cranky/crabby than you are happy.
me: Maybe it's my fault.
her: BUT
her: maybe.
me: If there's anything I can do to make you less crabby.. god please.. any cost, any sacrifice is worth while.
her: but that's not what you said
her: all I ever asked for was for you to be nice to me
her: and stop saying mean things
me: Brit, I try to be as nice as I can
me: but I can't be nice to someone who wakes up crabby.
me: like, perpetual unhappiness.
me: there is ALWAYS something bothering you
me: it gets OLD.
her: then what can I say?
me: FIX IT.
her: i mean
her: there are NO answers for you
her: so I feel like all I can do is kiss you and part ways

yep..sorry to say man ...i think im right

Originally Posted by PeRsIaN_PiMp

This was our last AIM conversation... like 10 mins ago...

sounds like she just broke up with you

Originally Posted by gregger

yep..sorry to say man ...i think im right

But why is she ALWAYS in a bad (crabby) mood? There has to be a reason why she is perpetually cranky that something is not right. I wish I had some answers... or the ability to just not care and live with it. But it drives me crazy.

Originally Posted by Harvinator

sounds like she just broke up with you

Well, it doesn't work that way exactly... we live together. I'll see her after work. The real break ups are not the ones when someone yells "that's it, we're over" it's the ones that are basically mutally agreed upon.... (in THIS case, at least). We'll just have to come to terms on something.

i can't really give much good advice, as i feel there's still a lot i don't know about.

in my honest opinion and experiances with women, if your having doubts, its only going to get worst. doubts will start to build up more and more and eat you away.

my advice, stay together for now, but consider not living together. maybe its just to much to soon at your age.

--soheil
ps. im gonna give more advice as/if i learn more

Originally Posted by soheilm3

i can't really give much good advice, as i feel there's still a lot i don't know about.

in my honest opinion and experiances with women, if your having doubts, its only going to get worst. doubts will start to build up more and more and eat you away.

my advice, stay together for now, but consider not living together. maybe its just to much to soon at your age.

--soheil
ps. im gonna give more advice as/if i learn more

Thanks. We're moving out of our apartment this June and then for next year, she'll be in the dorms again. So that may alleviate a lot of the pressure of living together.

Originally Posted by PeRsIaN_PiMp

Normally, I find myself knowning all the answers when it comes to women. At least, everyone elses woman. I've found that I have a lot of trouble dealing with my girlfriend. I have mild anger issues, yes. I have some problems keeping in rude insults when I get very upset, yes. But I really feel that I need some advice since my girlfriend and I are just staggering along with this issue.

It's quite easy to analyze from the outside looking in. It happens to all of us.

Synopsis of our background ... we've been together, officially, for just over a year now. We were best friends before that. We live together. I'm 20. She's 19.

We have all the same complaints about each other so our arguments are always just a big circle jerk. We can't figure out what pisses each other off and we can't realize how to put aside our differences neatly. She's very stubborn and so am I. I always feel like everything is done her way, she feels like everything is done my way. We both feel that we are impossible.

There's one of the main issues right there. Stubborn behavior will leave you both spinning your wheels. What's worse is that you're both like that, so there isn't any rationality. Try having her give you examples of your majority rule, and vice versa. If she can't produce solid examples, chances are there is a larger issue at hand.

I try and put everything behind me but I can't live my life knowning that my entire life is censored for safety. Sometimes it feels so hopeless. Other times it feels so perfect. I don't know what to do with myself. I don't want to terminate this relationship prematurly and have it be the biggest regret of my life, but I can't live each day thinking I'd rather die.

It feels like this big circular triangle. It hurts my head. I don't know what to do. We really do love each other. And about 80% of the time, our relationship is great. But I don't know if 80% is great enough... do I risk it all and hope I end up somewhere close to here with someone else down the road, or do I suck it up since we're both young and try and make things work out until they work out on their own?

You sound alot like me (underlined text). I severely dislike dwelling on trivial arguments. If your relationship is that discomforting, you two might want to revamp the guidelines you've set for each other. It seems that the middle ground has yet to be met. There needs to be compromise. Without that compromise and the related communication, things will never get better and you two will eventually end up having so much discord for one another. You've been dating a year. It is still a relatively young relationship. You have time to fine tune all aspects of it, but it does take work. Sacrifice is a necessity bro. There is no two ways around it.

I suppose my only major complaint about her is that she's always crabby. I can't stand it. I always feel like she has a stick up her ass and is in a bad mood. It's not just me who see's this... all my friends, her family.. everyone. I've tried to figure out what makes her so cranky, I've tried to figure out how to help her, I've talked to her, etc, etc.. but it seems that I still don't have the magic potion. I ****ing hate this. How do you leave someone you love? Should you leave someone you love due to frustration? is it even love? But what if it is love.. and frustation..

How do you approach the issue when you try to discuss it w/ her? Is she numb to your feelings with regards to the relationship? If so, then maybe she needs to commit herself to a bit of introspection and determine why she is such an unhappy person. I don't think that severing ties is the best thing at the moment. There is still room for growth. Maybe there is an underlying issue that she's not being forthright about. Can you give more details?


*edit* ...Damn, you fu***********ckers post fast. I just read the AIM convo. There is major miscommunication between you two. You're both pretty short towards each other. Neither of you are willing to really open up. It seems like there is more that you're not telling us. She seems to feel like you mistreat her. What gives? Are you verbally abusive? Is she verbally abusive?

Originally Posted by PeRsIaN_PiMp

I can't stand it. I always feel like she has a stick up her ass and is in a bad mood.

Probably not what you want to hear, but unless she goes to counciling or gets on anti depressents, this will probably never change.

If you hate it now, you will only hate it 28348 times more in 5 years. I'd tell her to do something about it herself, or move on while you still can.

also, it seems that the two of you have competing attitudes. i've found my best relationships to be with women whom we compliment each other, not compete with each other.

but thats just the vibe i got, correct me if im wrong.
--soheil

Not that I know everything (i'm 21) but I just got out of one of those 'sucky' relationships, and I can tell you I am much happier now, I had a new gf a month later (I wish I would have waited longer) but she is pretty cool. Say good bye... you will be happy you did..

first off....you are freaking crazy for living with a chick this young.....and you have only been dating for 1 year......your nuts

Originally Posted by gregger

first off....you are freaking crazy for living with a chick this young.....and you have only been dating for 1 year......your nuts

This I'd have to agree with. You're at that age where you need to be experimenting and living the youngster's lifestyle. Only then will you be able to fully appreciate monogamy.

Originally Posted by gregger

it could be that you are growing apart from each other and dont want to admit it. Between the age of 18 and id say somewhere around 22 you do alot of changing...esspecially if your both in school. This exact thing happened to me at 21. Sounds like you both might need some time to figure out exactly what you want.....find out what makes you both happy.....sometimes this means going your own way till you find yourself

Good point.

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrations with your relationship. The problem could very possibly be that the two of you are too young to be living together. I'm sure you've heard that time and time again, but it's true. Living together puts a huge strain on relationships, unless you two have definite plans of getting married within a year. If not, both people have this sense of openness in the relationship. It's like leaving a "backdoor" open. For example, if you get into a fight, you can just break-up or take a break. Where as, if you're married, you can't just say, "I want to take a break from you." (I mean you can, but that'd be weird). It's a lot more complicated. That's also something you should think about.

You two might feel like each person is taking the other for granted. (Girls LOVE appreciation from their bf's) It's easy to fall into that rut when living together. You forget about all the good qualities or what brought you two together. Is she only crabby when she's PMSing (PMS is the period before her period which lasts for about 7-14 days then comes the PERIOD)? She's could just be unhappy with herself and it may have nothing to do with you. Maybe you guys need to take a "break". I personally don't believe in breaks, but in your case, it might help the both of you figure things out. Good luck.

Originally Posted by MissSixty

Good point.

I'm sorry to hear about your frustrations with your relationship. The problem could very possibly be that the two of you are too young to be living together. I'm sure you've heard that time and time again, but it's true. Living together puts a huge strain on relationships, unless you two have definite plans of getting married within a year. If not, both people have this sense of openness in the relationship. It's like leaving a "backdoor" open. For example, if you get into a fight, you can just break-up or take a break. Where as, if you're married, you can't just say, "I want to take a break from you." (I mean you can, but that'd be weird). It's a lot more complicated. That's also something you should think about.

You two might feel like each person is taking the other for granted. (Girls LOVE appreciation from their bf's) It's easy to fall into that rut when living together. You forget about all the good qualities or what brought you two together. Is she only crabby when she's PMSing (PMS is the period before her period which lasts for about 7-14 days then comes the PERIOD)? She's could just be unhappy with herself and it may have nothing to do with you. Maybe you guys need to take a "break". I personally don't believe in breaks, but in your case, it might help the both of you figure out things. Good luck.

good points....also ....breaks lead to break ups

Originally Posted by M3Inline6

It's quite easy to analyze from the outside looking in. It happens to all of us.

I'm learning this the hard way.

Originally Posted by M3Inline6

There's one of the main issues right there. Stubborn behavior will leave you both spinning your wheels. What's worse is that you're both like that, so there isn't any rationality. Try having her give you examples of your majority rule, and vice versa. If she can't produce solid examples, chances are there is a larger issue at hand.

The main problem with solid examples is that she'll point an example which, in my point of view, was simply a cause (or reaction) to her initial misdealings. So, as you can probably imagine, we end up simply accusing each other and around around we go.

Originally Posted by M3Inline6

You sound alot like me (underlined text). I severely dislike dwelling on trivial arguments. If your relationship is that discomforting, you two might want to revamp the guidelines you've set for each other. It seems that the middle ground has yet to be met. There needs to be compromise. Without that compromise and the related communication, things will never get better and you two will eventually end up having so much discord for one another. You've been dating a year. It is still a relatively young relationship. You have time to fine tune all aspects of it, but it does take work. Sacrifice is a necessity bro. There is no two ways around it.

How do you approach the issue when you try to discuss it w/ her? Is she numb to your feelings with regards to the relationship? If so, then maybe she needs to commit herself to a bit of introspection and determine why she is such an unhappy person. I don't think that severing ties is the best thing at the moment. There is still room for growth. Maybe there is an underlying issue that she's not being forthright about. Can you give more details?

I agree that it is a relatively young relationship. We both know that. We've both have had several previous relationships when we just said 'fu*****ck it' at the first sign of trouble or discomfort. We have come A LONG way and we're both very proud of that fact. But it just seems that sometimes I just want to rip my hair out and, of course, I make this very clear to her and thus, in turn, she accuses me of being 'mean' or 'abusive'. I've found that, sadly, the best tactic when argument occurs is to keep it going until tears are shed and her defense mechanism dissolves. Then we end up making up and trading apologies and i love you's.

Originally Posted by soheiljan

also, it seems that the two of you have competing attitudes. i've found my best relationships to be with women whom we compliment each other, not compete with each other.

but thats just the vibe i got, correct me if im wrong.

I wouldn't call it competing attitudes as much as I would label it... stubborness. I think the entire 'competing' vibe that you may get is due to the fact that we had a major blow up less than an hour before the conversation.

Originally Posted by gregger

first off....you are freaking crazy for living with a chick this young.....and you have only been dating for 1 year......your nuts

Well, we really didn't have much of a choice technically, but we knew what we were getting into and things now are sooo much better than they were which is what gives me confidence and support to keep going. Also, I stated it was officially 1 year... and we've been best friends for a long time now. But regardless, I understand how crazy it sounds... but it's been "working" I suppose.

Originally Posted by e46 328i

Not that I know everything (i'm 21) but I just got out of one of those 'sucky' relationships, and I can tell you I am much happier now, I had a new gf a month later (I wish I would have waited longer) but she is pretty cool. Say good bye... you will be happy you did..

This is of course the most viable option which is what made me post this in the first place. I love the quote "The best part of breaking up is finding someone knew you can't get enough of". But sometimes you just love someone and can't walk away so easily!

alot of times (esspecially in your case cause your living together) it is easier to stay together than break up. Follow what you really know is true even if its not the easy path. oh yeah dont show her this thread like some other moron did a month or so ago when he had problems with his girl.....she might kick you in the balls

i've been thinkin more and more, don't break up, rather move out and stay together.

that i think would be the healthiest thing to do. it will do one of two things:

1. you'll enjoy your new life, and find it easier to break up, and ull move on much better
2. you'll miss your old life, making you appreciate what you had, and chances are she will to. u guys will make more of an effort to see each other, spend more quality time together, and will generally appreciate what you have all the more.

its a win win. its just we are young, and though the idea of living with the one we "love" seems great, its just not the time yet. the reason you get mad at each other is because your together so much, and you don't have much else to do. thats why you feel like you need to drive each other to tears, because you need to as much as possible, cause she's not going to go away. in a normal relationship, ud argue, get mad, take some time away, but then talk.

in your case, you've moved the timetable drastically ahead by living together. this as a result may have sped up the speed at which you need to cycle through emotions. since you can't escape the emotions, they will build up more and more. hence why you love her so much, yet get so mad at her.

hope something i said made sense, best of luck
--soheil