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Old 07-27-2008, 07:35 PM   #81
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update alec!
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Old 07-27-2008, 08:03 PM   #82
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Worse thing you could do if you ever want her or any girls respect. I've gone through MANY similar situations and letting a girl take control over you turns them off.

In my analysis, you're turning a blind eye to the inevitable and I'm sure you will do what you feel in your heart is right. I know you don't want to hear it, but your heart is wrong right now. Listen to the head between your shoulders because it knows the right thing to do.

It really sounds weird but the more you care, the more you will push her away. Here's one thing someone told me that I wish I knew earlier on, "You're the catch". Don't be the chaser, let them come to you.

You probably won't listen to me and think you're situation is unique, it's not. In 2002, I met a "her", she was nothing, just arrived in the states, struggling to pass her english classes and looking for a lot of guidance. She wasn't that hot (now that I think about it) but there was something that attracted me to her. So here is the synopsis of events:
  • Spring/Summer 2002: Met in class (college), after finals, I asked her out
  • Fall 2002: We became a couple after a rocky start (parents didn't like me)
  • Spring 2003: I helped her finish up her AS degree
  • Summer 2003: She moved in with me
  • Fall 2003: I helped her get a full ride to GWU for her BS, she quits her part-time job, I pay all the bills including gas for her car, repairs, food, clothes (150 pairs of jeans, numerous dresses, and a closet full of purses), she was basically my wife.
  • 2004: She's madly, deeply in love with me. I take her on trips to Hawaii (my home town) to meet mom.
  • Spring 2005: I ask her to get a part-time job to help with the bills. She says no, that she's too busy with school. She says when she graduates, she'll work full time for a year to help me catch up before going off to medical school. Mind you she promises me a Ferrari when she becomes a doctor *laff*
  • Summer 2005: She pushes the marriage issue. I agree, I buy her a $20k engagement ring to be married next year.
  • Winter 2005: All these expenses are catching up to me, I'm beginning to drown. But still no help, she wants to finish school.
  • Spring 2006: She finishes school and gets a full time job. But guess what, she can only give me a few hundred dollars a month because she needs to help her parents. WTF!!! I/We need the money more then her parents.
  • Summer 2006: She starts acting weird. Sex is infrequent. Kissing/intimacy is almost non-existent. She says I should check out other girls.
  • Fall 2006: She's not sure I'm the one because I won't have the same education she has/wants. She moves back home to her parents. For a few months, she would come over for sex, but on her terms and no kissing. Finally she breaks things off and says, she's seeing/sleeping with someone else. I go nuts.
  • Winter 2006: She tells me she's going back to her home country for a vacation. She comes back 3 weeks later and tells me that she's planning on marrying her ex in her home country so he can come to the US.
  • Spring 2007: She's engaged and plans to get married in the summer of 2007, but guess what, it's to a different guy whom shes known for a month. I beg and plead not to do that. I let her walk all over me. She loses all respect for me.
  • Summer 2007: I finally accept the inevitable. I'm pissed about everything. I finally let go when she called me to say "what's up, can we be friends?" I tell her to "fvck off and die, don't ever call me again"
  • Winter 2007: I'm dating again

The worst part is that I wanted her back so much, I pardoned all her indiscretions in hopes that she would change her mind. But by doing so, she looked down on me like I had no self respect. What I should've done is just let go when she started suggesting I check out other girls. I put myself in major debt for her so she should have a comfortable life. I'm working my way out now but at least I've regained my dignity and confidence.

I know you don't want to hear it but you will find better, hotter, nicer girls. You're young, don't waste it, date as many girls as you can and don't care too much. Save that for when you're married.

Hopefully, one of our stories will sink in before you lose all respect for yourself.

*i mean this in the nicest way*

i wanna highlight this for alec and everyone else. if something is on its way out, go out standing, not on your knees. Both people start loosing there minds a bit after something that was once good, falls apart and then you do silly things to keep it going. you go out looking like a little bi tch, or a monster. (i looked like both)

When this starts to happen, the best thing is to completely take a step back no matter how much you love her and wanna be there for her. You might get back together in time but more likely you will move on. Just take a step back for YOUR sanity.
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Old 07-27-2008, 09:56 PM   #83
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*i mean this in the nicest way*

i wanna highlight this for alec and everyone else. if something is on its way out, go out standing, not on your knees. Both people start loosing there minds a bit after something that was once good, falls apart and then you do silly things to keep it going. you go out looking like a little bi tch, or a monster. (i looked like both)

When this starts to happen, the best thing is to completely take a step back no matter how much you love her and wanna be there for her. You might get back together in time but more likely you will move on. Just take a step back for YOUR sanity.
Mr. Reed is right
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Old 07-27-2008, 10:39 PM   #84
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Everyone, SHE IS NOT CHEATING ON ME! If I knew there was any chance of that happening, I wouldn't take it. I'll turn a blind eye to almost anything, but being unfaithful happens to be something that I could never tolerate, not even a chance of it.
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Old 07-27-2008, 10:48 PM   #85
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Everyone, SHE IS NOT CHEATING ON ME! If I knew there was any chance of that happening, I wouldn't take it. I'll turn a blind eye to almost anything, but being unfaithful happens to be something that I could never tolerate, not even a chance of it.
I'm being completely honest/curious when I say this so don't take it the wrong way....but how do you know?
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Old 07-27-2008, 10:51 PM   #86
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I'm being completely honest/curious when I say this so don't take it the wrong way....but how do you know?
and that is the question to close the thread.
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Old 07-27-2008, 11:33 PM   #87
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It's not even about whether she's cheating or not. She's already moved on and so should you.
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Old 07-28-2008, 01:02 AM   #88
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All cheating aside... no woman is attracted to a guy who doesn't stand up for himself. Showing some self-respect and taking control of the situation will go a long way towards her respecting you. Once that spark is gone, it's really hard to get it back. It may be best to cut her loose. I know that's easier said then done.
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Old 07-28-2008, 07:47 AM   #89
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All cheating aside... no woman is attracted to a guy who doesn't stand up for himself. Showing some self-respect and taking control of the situation will go a long way towards her respecting you. Once that spark is gone, it's really hard to get it back. It may be best to cut her loose. I know that's easier said then done.
plus one. stand up and dont let her dominate the situation. not that you should either but dont let it become that your waiting by the phone for her call or text. She may be confused but thats not fair to you to be strung along. My ex went back and forth for a few months and i began losing my mind. i did some things i not proud of, but in hindsight i was pushed there.(likely she will never see this so its lose/lose no matter what) My actions were so uncharecteristic of myself and thats what lead to me being the bad guy. I learned that the best intentions can often make a bad situation into what could only be described as... hell. LIKE YOU, I WANTED SO BADLY TO MAKE THINGS WORK AND MAKE HER HAPPY.(when things were great and they were for a long time, she always told me that me and her mom were the only ones who could make her smile and i took that to heart.) I know your not wanting to let things go and want badly to things work out for the better (totally understandable) but dont do what i did. Dont forget YOURSELF. im still fairly messed up and its been 8 months because when things hit the fan i looked out for her heart and not mine.

**SORRY: ranting a bit but whatever. its hard seeing another person in the same situation i was in because it was prob the worst few months of my life, still kinda is. please feel free to pm me or ask me anything.
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Old 07-28-2008, 08:27 AM   #90
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I feel sorry for you Alec, and also for me. I went through teh exact same situation along ago ... "I need time .... I need space ... don't kiss me ... no sex ... i'm confused ...." ... turned out that she had a relationship going on and was feeling too guilty to say it .... Only when i was alone, driving my GTI at 230km/h on the freeway, not even being able to see the lanes cause i was crying, i let my feelings show, i was on my knees, and my heart was broke in pieces ... but when she called me (cause i strated to refuse to sse her) i was like stone cold .... you're a good guy alec, and you don't deserve disrespect ... don't wait till you meet her with her bf and hear her say to him "it's alec, my best friend" .... that will kill you .... cut everything ...
As we say in France, 'Ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus fort' (The things that do not kill me make me stronger) .... Six months after we broke, she needed my car cause her's was in repair (it was an excuse to see me again cause her bf let her down, you know, the spare tire situation), and when she came to my house to pick the car, her best friend opened the door to give her the key, and she had only a towel on her wet skin ... end of the story ....

Wish you Luck & Courage ....
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Old 07-28-2008, 08:56 AM   #91
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Getting here late. I usually don't check this sub-forum, but I've been a little down lately.

I feel for you Alec. It sucks that you're going through this.

The only thing I'd like to add is that you need to stay strong. Be a man throughout this. Don't be an a**hole or turn against the entire female sex or anything, but have respect for yourself, for her and be mature about it. I know that sometimes when things are rough, you just want to let the waves carry you while you think you're saving up strength for the storm, but the storm is here. Chose your direction, take initiative. If she's not responsive, then take action to distract yourself and live as normal a life as you can.

We've all been there. I've groveled before and waited for hours in front of my ex's apartment only to have my heart broken. The beauty of love is being able to completely let down your guard and in that state of vulnerability feel completely safe. That's why it hurts so much when it goes bad.
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Old 07-28-2008, 09:21 AM   #92
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how could u possibly know 100% that she's not cheating? I mean if you're not givin her the kissing, sexin, huggin, etc then she's gettin it elsewhere. Especially if its a long distance thing. Get your ride back, buddy.
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Old 07-28-2008, 09:25 AM   #93
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That's fine if you don't think she's cheating, I can understand that. Even if that is truly the case, she is mentally done with you and letting you down easy. You can't be blind to that. It sucks, because there is nothing to blame things on in that case.

The sooner you realize this, the better. Good luck man.
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Old 07-28-2008, 09:30 AM   #94
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That's fine if you don't think she's cheating, I can understand that. Even if that is truly the case, she is mentally done with you and letting you down easy. You can't be blind to that. It sucks, because there is nothing to blame things on in that case.

The sooner you realize this, the better. Good luck man.
She may not be f'ing someone else, but I really bet she is having an emo affair on you, and in female terms is the same thing.

Remember, watch her actions and not what she says. Her actions are telling your broken up and she has moved on, to kiss you would be cheating on someone else!
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Old 07-28-2008, 09:43 AM   #95
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to kiss you would be cheating on someone else!
excellent line!!!
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Old 07-28-2008, 09:56 AM   #96
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SHES NOT CHEATING ON HIM! These situations happen (alot) without someone cheating.
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Old 07-28-2008, 10:43 AM   #97
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SHES NOT CHEATING ON HIM! These situations happen (alot) without someone cheating.
3rd_collective: It's not even about whether she's cheating or not. She's already moved on and so should you.

...I'm reflecting on this with Blank and Jones' Blue Moon playing in the background

It took me a while to realize, and accept, that she wants to go on with the rest of her life without me.
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Old 07-28-2008, 11:09 AM   #98
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I feel sorry for you Alec, and also for me. I went through teh exact same situation along ago ... "I need time .... I need space ... don't kiss me ... no sex ... i'm confused ...." ... turned out that she had a relationship going on and was feeling too guilty to say it .... Only when i was alone, driving my GTI at 230km/h on the freeway, not even being able to see the lanes cause i was crying, i let my feelings show, i was on my knees, and my heart was broke in pieces ... but when she called me (cause i strated to refuse to sse her) i was like stone cold .... you're a good guy alec, and you don't deserve disrespect ... don't wait till you meet her with her bf and hear her say to him "it's alec, my best friend" .... that will kill you .... cut everything ...
As we say in France, 'Ce qui ne me tue pas me rend plus fort' (The things that do not kill me make me stronger) .... Six months after we broke, she needed my car cause her's was in repair (it was an excuse to see me again cause her bf let her down, you know, the spare tire situation), and when she came to my house to pick the car, her best friend opened the door to give her the key, and she had only a towel on her wet skin ... end of the story ....

Wish you Luck & Courage ....


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Old 07-28-2008, 11:23 AM   #99
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u bought ur gf a car?
i know this kid @ church that got his girl a e90 bmw.. i just
i think she popped his cherry.
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Old 07-28-2008, 11:28 AM   #100
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**** happens to relationships, especially when it involves young people like us.

Whether or not she is cheating.... in her mind it's over. I've been there enough times to know.

Just fake a smile for now, go out with some friends and try to meet new people.
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