Most mature thing I've done and its killing me

First, I appreciate any and all your insight. Thanks in advance guys!

I (21) recently ended a 1 yr relationship with a girl who was madly in love with me (20). She was a great person, and I cared/still care for her.

Back story

Anyway, towards the last 3-4 months of the relationship, I grew slightly distant (not sure why...just lost the fire for some reason) and she started getting frustrated because she had no idea how to make me feel the fire for her again. This sucks because she genuinely cared for me (apparent through all the stuff she did for me).

During our last few weeks together, we started arguing more often. And when I was at her place, I wasn't mentally there with her (I even passed up sex because I didn't care to give her my attention). I thought that I would outgrow this phase of selfishness, but I just saw myself getting more and more detached from her.

Conclusion
About a week ago (when I came back from bimmerfest), she had a serious talk with me and asked if I was still into this. *note: she was originally supposed to go to bimmerfest with me but she canceled (even after I went to a stupid gig with her friends at 4am the week prior)* I was too exhausted to make such a decision so I took a day to think about things and realized that I would just be hurting her with the way I was acting and she or I would eventually do something stupid (like cheat). I also realized that, unless I became a real scumbag, she wouldn't dump me.

So I broke up with her and I crushed her heart (perhaps the hardest hour of my life since I did it in person, at her place).

Afterthoughts/the heart of the matter (i.e. I need your advice on this situation)

I feel like complete sh1t. Although getting her back would make us both happy for a month or two, I know things will slowly degenerate to where they were before. For this reason, I'm sticking to my guns. Furthermore, I think I still need time to grow before I can commit to someone.

Anyway, although I have all this stuff figured out in my head, I'm still having a tough time dealing with the reality of my emotions (i.e. I'm starting to wonder what she's up to with other guys and I had a pretty bad dream that she moved on a lot faster than me...its an immature feeling and I don't want to feel that way). I was wondering if anyone went through a situation like this and if they could offer advice on how I can take care of my own emotional state.

sorry for the long post. take care ya'll

Post on your real account

Originally Posted by b0bab0i

Post on your real account

yeah seriously man. Nothing to be ashamed of here.

man up and step out of the closet...

no h0m0

see how you feel without her for a little while. That's really all you can do.

well, like they say... you don't know what you have until you loose it

trust me... maturity is heavily over-rated

Originally Posted by IHEARTFANATICS

So I broke up with her and I crushed her heart (perhaps the hardest hour of my life since I did it in person, at her place).

first, a MAN always broke up in person, I mean always, that the least we can do for her.. at least have the balls.
second, is always hard, specialy when they fall apart in tears.. you never really get used to it, but it gets better with age..like we get a litle more used to it.. but is always a moment we really want to avoid, but a man got to do what a man got to do.

Originally Posted by IHEARTFANATICS

Anyway, although I have all this stuff figured out in my head, I'm still having a tough time dealing with the reality of my emotions (i.e. I'm starting to wonder what she's up to with other guys

has you said and very well, it is imature, what you are feeling, in my view, its not that you really are Jealous with some kind of residual love, that is just a possesion feeling, many times, specialy when we are young, inner self (don´t know how to express this in english lol) is not particulary fair, and we want to move on, and make our choices, but wish that the other part just stays there still in standby, for us.

well with that said, you are pretty young man, go out and experiment, and let her go her way, hell , i am 10 years older than you and i am still experimenting lol (not saying i am a good example... its just my way of live..

Originally Posted by DylloS

see how you feel without her for a little while. That's really all you can do.

I'm feeling a lot better now. Of course, there are a few things I still miss, but I know this was the right thing to do.

Originally Posted by zikhkd

well, like they say... you don't know what you have until you loose it

Definitely. It felt like I lost a best friend.

Originally Posted by NOVAbimmer

trust me... maturity is heavily over-rated

Only if you don't know how to control your ego. Self actualization > *

Originally Posted by HEAVYLIFT

first, a MAN always broke up in person, I mean always, that the least we can do for her.. at least have the balls.
second, is always hard, specialy when they fall apart in tears.. you never really get used to it, but it gets better with age..like we get a litle more used to it.. but is always a moment we really want to avoid, but a man got to do what a man got to do.


has you said and very well, it is imature, what you are feeling, in my view, its not that you really are Jealous with some kind of residual love, that is just a possesion feeling, many times, specialy when we are young, inner self (don´t know how to express this in english lol) is not particulary fair, and we want to move on, and make our choices, but wish that the other part just stays there still in standby, for us.

well with that said, you are pretty young man, go out and experiment, and let her go her way, hell , i am 10 years older than you and i am still experimenting lol (not saying i am a good example... its just my way of live..

Thanks for your support. I think I understand what you mean in regards to my internal conflict. It makes sense. And yes, I basically made this decision because I'm not ready to be responsible for a serious relationship.

how old are both of you?

the fact that she wants to be with someone of your mentality of life speaks volumes on the type of girl she is.

^^^ 21 and shes 20. I gave this some more thought, and I realized that I wasn't really able to be my self and grow as an individual in the way that I wanted when I was around her (we had a lot of differences in the things we wanted out of life - on day-day basis and in the long term).

I understand what you mean. She was completely willing to stick through my phase of insecurity. At the same, she was willing to do this because she saw me as her soul-mate (i.e. she explicitly wanted engagement at 24-25). I guess I'm just not ready to go into a relationship with that mentality (and if I lost the fire for her before a year...its not a good sign for compatibility). I understand good girls are hard to come by, but I'm not going to tie myself to someone for reasons of security. I'd much rather do it because I saw myself wanting this person's company forever.

Originally Posted by IHEARTFANATICS

I'd much rather do it because I saw myself wanting this person's company forever.

Doesn't sound like you have too much left to figure out. Keep reminding yourself that, and it'll be smooth sailing.

I know what you're feeling. Broke up with my more or less crazy girlfriend of two years a while back. I began to forget why I broke up with her, and seeing her involved with other guys when I was still single just made me feel like crap. It was the difference between letting someone go and watching it walk away from you. One I had the choice to do, one I didn't. The latter sucked.