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Old 11-04-2010, 02:59 PM   #21
ara
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we started hanging out and seeing each other last summer towards August, but only made it official around new years, so about a year, give or take
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Old 11-04-2010, 03:03 PM   #22
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we started hanging out and seeing each other last summer towards August, but only made it official around new years, so about a year, give or take
Are you the gf type? If I remember correctly it always seemed like you had one around.
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Old 11-04-2010, 04:45 PM   #23
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ya always had a gf around since i was 17 years old, i've had 6 months of single here and there but i always end up with a gf somehow.
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Old 11-04-2010, 05:47 PM   #24
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You basically have three options...

1. Change your ideals (difficult to do)
2. Get her to change according to your ideals (difficult to do if you don't understand women and their biology)
3. Break up (easy to do, at least in comparison to option 1 and 2)

If you can't choose then just break up with her, for her sake more so than your own. The longer you wait the more she'll get invested, the more she gets invested the harder it'll be on her.

Also, once you figure out the answer to the question in my other post, here is the follow up...

If you had that one thing that would make you most fulfilled, what would it allow you to do? What would be different as a result of having it. Take a few minutes to visualize it as if it were real, think of some specific situations.

Now think of some specific emotions you felt as a result, not something generic like happy, be specific. For example, one word people often mention is safe or security. Whatever yours are, those or that emotion, that feeling is what drives you. If that feeling isn't there, then you won't be satisfied. The two ways to go about it then would be to again, either change your ideals, your blueprint sorta speak... or to simply change whatever the situation is. Changing your ideals is much harder, sometimes it'll be worth doing and other times it won't.

Just realize that it is possible to in fact change your ideals, what makes you happy for example doesn't really make you happy. The only reason it does is because your blueprint/ideals match up to it. Change them and those things won't make you happy anymore, and vise versa.

You say you want to be in love, and never have been. Well this indicates to me the problem is most likely with you, especially since you say you've pretty much always been in a relationship. I don't know you or her personally enough to give any specific advice but anyway, the above are my general thoughts.
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Old 11-08-2010, 05:33 PM   #25
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so i met my friend from that night, we had a nice long chat and she gave me advice and basically told me that after all this while if i'm still looking for that "spark" which isn't there then it's time to cut things loose and move on.

My friend went out with my gf and i a few times and she told me she didn't feel the chemistry how she had with my past gf.

Anyway i had a talk with my gf the other night, didn't go to well, told her how i felt and that i think the best thing is to just end this while were on good terms. She cried and she was insistent that we do not break up to keep trying. I just ended the night as i didn't feel like talking more about this.

Saw her yesterday, i was pretty upset at the whole situation, she felt there was something up so she got the hint and left my place.

I wrote her a long msg today, short version is "time to look at the situation like adults, not like little kids who are afraid of breaking up" I said that but in a longer and nicer way, i made her realize that it's MY LIFE too were talking about here and nothing has improved, as much as i like her and care for her, i do not love her, and i do not crave to be with her.

She called me just now and wants to see me face to face, probably another tear fest, i feel bad and i am sad that this is happening, nor am I sure if it's the right thing to do, but it's the only thing left that i can see. If i miss her and realize things, it won't be too late, but on the other hand, i need to do this because i feel like i'm stuck in a stale relationship.

On the phone she told me she was preparing herself to end things in the back of her mind, but she still doesn't want to go through with this NOW as she's in her finals real soon and she lost her father 6 weeks ago. I didn't want to bring up the convo the other night, she did, i was willing to wait a bit more for her to finish her exams and heal from her dad, but i just couldn't help it when she kept talking about us.

What am i to do, she still wants to hang and maybe act like all is well, but **** i'm not sure if that's the right thing to do, just pushing the inevitable.

God damn this sucks
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Old 11-12-2010, 04:52 AM   #26
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words words words
I understand the situation, but remember that prolonging the relationship won't do anybody any good.

The last girl I dated, I had the same issue. I no longer felt like there was chemistry between us. A friend of mine reminded me that keeping the relationship alive wasn't fair to either of us. She deserved to be with someone that really loved her, and I deserved to be with someone that really loved me.

Anyway, I broke up with her right before college graduation (dick move, I know), but we continued to hang out a bit for a while. By "hang out" I mean we spent time together, but nothing physical was going on. Well, the inevitable happened, and I met the person that knocked my socks off (I ended up marrying her). The last one didn't appreciate the fact that I had been "leading her on" for a long time.

In the end, she may have been right. I made it pretty clear to her that we weren't dating, but apparently she didn't get it. Or maybe I didn't make it clear enough. Who knows. But if I could do it again, I would have stopped spending time with her a lot sooner.

BTW, her story had a happy ending. My to-be wife and I started dating in January, she started dating another guy in February and was married in August of that year.
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Old 11-15-2010, 11:06 AM   #27
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I understand the situation, but remember that prolonging the relationship won't do anybody any good.

The last girl I dated, I had the same issue. I no longer felt like there was chemistry between us. A friend of mine reminded me that keeping the relationship alive wasn't fair to either of us. She deserved to be with someone that really loved her, and I deserved to be with someone that really loved me.

Anyway, I broke up with her right before college graduation (dick move, I know), but we continued to hang out a bit for a while. By "hang out" I mean we spent time together, but nothing physical was going on. Well, the inevitable happened, and I met the person that knocked my socks off (I ended up marrying her). The last one didn't appreciate the fact that I had been "leading her on" for a long time.

In the end, she may have been right. I made it pretty clear to her that we weren't dating, but apparently she didn't get it. Or maybe I didn't make it clear enough. Who knows. But if I could do it again, I would have stopped spending time with her a lot sooner.

BTW, her story had a happy ending. My to-be wife and I started dating in January, she started dating another guy in February and was married in August of that year.
damn that's fast
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Old 11-24-2010, 05:34 PM   #28
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haven't broken up with her yet as she's in Finals and her last set is this week, the last 2 weeks my WANTING of breaking up has decreased, i can't say why.

I thought a lot lately, and here is what i came up with.
I'm "ok" with her, like in a gf bf way, things are cool, but not amazing which i want it to be especially nearing 1 year.

I think the fact that things are ok and we don't fight makes me subconsciously feel guilty about breaking up thus postponing it all the time.

I DON'T want to get engaged or married anytime soon, still have a lot to learn about myself and develop my financial status.

I think i "pity" her and past g/f's when it comes time to breaking up, cuz i feel bad for them instead of thinking of myself.


Why do i feel bad for breaking up with someone even though i know someone else can provide her with a better relationship and i can find someone who will make me feel like i want?

I'm messed up in my head, i wish we were the type to fight so i could just squeeze the breakup at the end of a fight, but this is going to come out of nowhere and right before the holidays and our 1 year anniversary.
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:31 PM   #29
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haven't broken up with her yet as she's in Finals and her last set is this week, the last 2 weeks my WANTING of breaking up has decreased, i can't say why.

I thought a lot lately, and here is what i came up with.
I'm "ok" with her, like in a gf bf way, things are cool, but not amazing which i want it to be especially nearing 1 year.

I think the fact that things are ok and we don't fight makes me subconsciously feel guilty about breaking up thus postponing it all the time.

I DON'T want to get engaged or married anytime soon, still have a lot to learn about myself and develop my financial status.

I think i "pity" her and past g/f's when it comes time to breaking up, cuz i feel bad for them instead of thinking of myself.


Why do i feel bad for breaking up with someone even though i know someone else can provide her with a better relationship and i can find someone who will make me feel like i want?

I'm messed up in my head, i wish we were the type to fight so i could just squeeze the breakup at the end of a fight, but this is going to come out of nowhere and right before the holidays and our 1 year anniversary.
Investment can manifest itself any many different emotions, guilt being one, pity another. You invested in her and thus do not want to hurt your investment because your instincts will believe this to reduce your chances of survival, the reason we ultimately do anything. Consciously you know otherwise but I'm talking about the subconscious. Instincts are evolutionary and evolution is always a step behind the environment. We are designed for a time tens of thousands of years ago. Modern technology has only amplified the difference.

It definitely seems you still have a lot to learn about yourself but then self-improvement should be a never ending process. If you do break up I would recommend to try and take some time to yourself, don't just rush into another relationship. Get to know yourself better, your wants, needs, morals, values and etcetera first.
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Old 11-25-2010, 05:04 PM   #30
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i think this weekend is the right time for to break up, she's planning all this anniversary and xmas stuff, so i better bounce out before it's too late, she still has a month to get over it.

I really don't feel like talking face to face, i can't stand the emotions, i just want it done and over with, what do you guys suggest in methods? Just a phone call? Is it too much to tell her i don't want to see her anytime soon? I want to make it clear that i don't want to see her face to face, only issue she has a copy of my condo key, so whether or not i like it, i have to see her to get it back
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Old 11-25-2010, 07:02 PM   #31
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i think this weekend is the right time for to break up, she's planning all this anniversary and xmas stuff, so i better bounce out before it's too late, she still has a month to get over it.

I really don't feel like talking face to face, i can't stand the emotions, i just want it done and over with, what do you guys suggest in methods? Just a phone call? Is it too much to tell her i don't want to see her anytime soon? I want to make it clear that i don't want to see her face to face, only issue she has a copy of my condo key, so whether or not i like it, i have to see her to get it back
- Face to face, don't be a b*tch.

- Don't use cliche lines such as, "it's not you, it's me" instead try something like, "we're just not compatible." It'll seem harder to argue against it more so than the former.

- Reassure her, for example... "You deserve someone better than me", "I don't want to drag this on any longer as it's not fair to you."

- Flip script, by this I mean get really emotional and pretend it's just as hard on you, don't be afraid to tear up and cry a bit. Tell her you feel really guilty, that you're so sorry, blah blah blah. Just get real emotional. It's always easier for her to go through a breakup together rather than just her being broken up with.

- Change state, by this I mean her emotional state, the vibe in the air sorta speak, this is a big one!!! Do you remember as a kid ever being angry and having someone like a parent start tickling you, and no matter how hard you tried to stay angry you couldn't and started laughing, etc. This is what I mean by breaking state. Now I'm not saying you should tickle her but there are other ways to break state, the best way in my experience being humor. If you can get her to laugh multiple times during the breakup it will make things A LOT!!!! easier on her and opens the possibility to being just friends without that awkwardness commonly associated with a friendship after having broken up. Don't get me wrong, if she loves you there will be tears but still try to get her to laugh as often as possible throughout the breakup. Don't say stupid little try hard jokes though, it should be something that will really make her laugh, the harder the better. Trust me, this works!

- Don't say anything negative about her, the negative comments should be mutual towards both of you. Again, for example, "we're just not compatible" instead of "I just don't love you, I can't help it."

- About the not wanting to see her part, try something like this... "I really want to make this as easy as possible for both of us, maybe it would be best we don't contact each other for a while as it'll only make things harder for both of us."

- Be a man, a man should always be the one leading in a boy/girl type interaction. Directly or indirectly makes no difference but lead! How, simple... do some of the examples stated above. Help her through it, don't just call out of the blue and say it's over, leaving her to deal with everything for herself. That's you being a pvssy, so man up and do what you gotta do. It'll be over before you now it.

Really focus most of your attention on changing state though because that is really going to be key. Try to think of ways to do it before hand, as weird as it sounds actually put some effort into your breakup. Doing so will make it easier on her, on you and best of all there will be no need for bridges burned if you don't want them to be.
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Old 11-25-2010, 11:46 PM   #32
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I really don't feel like talking face to face, i can't stand the emotions, i just want it done and over with, what do you guys suggest in methods? Just a phone call? Is it too much to tell her i don't want to see her anytime soon? I want to make it clear that i don't want to see her face to face, only issue she has a copy of my condo key, so whether or not i like it, i have to see her to get it back
you fvcking pvssy.

Sack up and do it face to face.
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Old 11-26-2010, 12:59 AM   #33
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i don't want face to face, but i guess i will. Last time i broke up face to face we didn't end up breaking up and it ended up a "talk"

Now, in the car? definitely not at my place, or maybe i'll go over to her place. I need this off my chest can't wait to get it over with.
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Old 11-26-2010, 01:11 AM   #34
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i don't want face to face, but i guess i will. Last time i broke up face to face we didn't end up breaking up and it ended up a "talk"

Now, in the car? definitely not at my place, or maybe i'll go over to her place. I need this off my chest can't wait to get it over with.
neutral territory is best.

And if you're not going to do it face to face, you may as well just send a text message. "Dnt wnt 2 c u l8r" should suffice.
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Old 11-26-2010, 05:40 AM   #35
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I went through this exact situation the beginning of this year and finally ended my relationship in May. Its tough man, I know exactly how you feel. I'd even bet that you are the people-pleaser type like me.

You need to close it off and GIVE HER SPACE. Its gonna be sh1tty man (especially the next day - will be one of the top 5 worst days of your life...the guilt will consume you, but it gets better with time). CRS gives great logic for why this breakup should happen NOW.

The way I broke up with my ex: Went to her apartment at night (her roommate was out, luckily) and basically told it to her in her room. NOTE: do not kiss her or do anything that would send mixed signals - THIS IS NOW A PLATONIC RELATIONSHIP and you must lead both of you into this situation.

She's gonna try everything from seducing you to guilting you...AND YOU NEED TO HANDLE HER ADVANCES LIKE A GENTLEMAN. Stick to your guns, be firm about your decision, but reassure her that she is a great person and this is not her fault. She will be extremely confused and won't know what to do with herself. It will be impossible to rationalize a way to think this through, so you need to give her some advice on how to move on and let her be. What I did, was told my ex to talk to her friends, call her mom immediately, etc etc to get over this - trust me, chicks are super down to comfort and console their fellow females when it comes to guys.

There's gonna be a huge emotional rollercoaster for you that will last about 6 months. You think you'll be able to move on within a month? ha! I came from the same broken-home situation as you and thought I'd be able to get over it sooner, being all independent, not in-love and what not...but that wasn't the case, LOL.

You're situation is sooo familiar to what I experienced. There's too many situations, feelings and milestones that you will experience, so lets just take this one step at a time. Break up with her and PM me the day after your break up (DO NOT TAKE HER BACK, because that's all you're gonna be thinking about).
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Old 11-26-2010, 12:57 PM   #36
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i'm planning on sending her a text as a forewarning, something along the lines of "i wanna talk"

then i'll meet her somewhere, or at her house so i can leave easily. Just going to lay it straight. I took her to breakfast this morning as i had promised her early in the week, obviously she felt something as she's like do you even like me? why cna't you have a conversation with me?

I'm at the point where i'm truly not interested in our relationship, but i played it off as i will not break up with her before she goes to work. So either after work for her today or tomorrow morning before i go to work so she doesn't bother me.

I just don't get her, how she can feel that i don't like her anymore, and still be in denial, maybe the loss of her father has her mixed up? i don't know, but i have to jump ship.

i wish she would just dump me, 6 girls in a row I'm dumping, never been dumped before
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Old 11-26-2010, 01:23 PM   #37
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i'm planning on sending her a text as a forewarning, something along the lines of "i wanna talk"

then i'll meet her somewhere, or at her house so i can leave easily. Just going to lay it straight. I took her to breakfast this morning as i had promised her early in the week, obviously she felt something as she's like do you even like me? why cna't you have a conversation with me?

I'm at the point where i'm truly not interested in our relationship, but i played it off as i will not break up with her before she goes to work. So either after work for her today or tomorrow morning before i go to work so she doesn't bother me.

I just don't get her, how she can feel that i don't like her anymore, and still be in denial, maybe the loss of her father has her mixed up? i don't know, but i have to jump ship.

i wish she would just dump me, 6 girls in a row I'm dumping, never been dumped before
The denial question you have is an easy one, it is again because of investment...

Investment is useful in that it makes it harder for women to flake out on you, harder for them to leave you and harder for them to cheat on you.

- Invested physically - (having held hands, kissed, hugged, fvcked, had kids, etc.)
- Invested emotionally - (having laughed together, loved together, cried together, etc.)
- Invested time - (the more time she's spent with you the better, self-explanatory really)
- Invested effort - (if a woman worked her ass off in getting you attracted and keeping you interested, she's obviously not just gonna let you go that easily)
- Invested financially - (self-explanatory)

She loves you, this tells me she's invested a LOT in you so it's only natural for her to resist as much as realistically possible. It's just an instinctual response, like most things really.

Try to make it as easy on her as possible though, again, she's obviously invested a lot in you so in my opinion you owe her at least that much. Anyway, good luck man.
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Old 11-26-2010, 03:15 PM   #38
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thx guys, gonna head to the gym, when i leave gonna msg her, i'll be buying a mattress by then, then i'll just drive to her house or meet her at the coffee shop nearby and say it.
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Old 11-26-2010, 09:18 PM   #39
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long story short

msged her to meet me at my place after the gym as i had a feeling it would take a while so didn't want to be in public. I spoke to her and told her that i was done trying and that i feel that there is no longer any desire in me to continue together, adn that i would like to part ways as gently as possible and that's it.

Went through 2 hours of crying, her trying to hug me and kiss me, i only hugged her and told her to realize what she's doing, went through the "but this, but that", told her it doesn't change how i feel right now, went through her trying to find my flaws to make herself feel better, after a long talk, i got my keys, walked her to the car, and another 20 minutes of crying, i felt bad, but i'm not sad, i know and feel i did the right thing for myself.

Now one thing i realized, i will no longer get in a relationship with anyone unless i'm truly "ready" to settle down, at 27 years old, can't afford these 1 year relationships one after the other.

Off to eat and hang with friends an break them the news, i just hope she doesn't do anything stupid or dangerous to herself, but then again, that is not my problem, that is an issue she has to deal with herself.

thanks for the help guys, long time coming, but finally did it, dreaded it, now i hope she leaves me alone. I'm gonna go out of town for the holidays and just chill.
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Old 11-26-2010, 10:01 PM   #40
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^^^ good work man. you did well. tomorrow is going to be crappy, so stick to your guns. Regardless of what this girl says to you in the future, you gotta keep your cool with her and tell her its best to have space (i.e. don't get into a tirade of reasons why she failed as a GF...there's no need for that at this point).
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