Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: New York City
My Ride: 2004 M3
[Week three of no porn, masturbation or orgasm] For years, I looked at porn and masturbated to multiple orgasms at least once a day, beginning during high school. At university, I was a computer nerd with glasses and no social life, though I played a lot of sport. I'd stay in my room and study, play guitar or masturbate. I got pretty good at all these things.
I got an IT job, and once I could afford my own cable Internet connection, the floodgates opened. With unlimited access to high quality porn 24/7, I'd stay up till 4 a.m. and get up at the crack of noon. Some months I binged so much that I exceeded my Internet quota and received bills of $1000. I used to have 5-10 windows of streaming video open at a time, and bounce between them, which really upped the levels of arousal. This pattern continued throughout my early twenties. I was not happy at all, and my doctor diagnosed me with depression.
Porn temporarily took my desire away, so I thought it was a good thing, keeping me "balanced." I was proud that I could look at a hot girl on the street and not feel the slightest hint of arousal because porn had desensitized me. It was a way of taking back the power that I believed women had over me. Only much later did I realize how destructive this was.
Most of what I'd learned at school, in the media and on the Internet said masturbation, and even porn, are healthy. All the guys I knew were into it, so I never so it occurred to me how abnormal it actually is in contrast with a natural sex life. As far as I knew, masturbation had no downside, and viewing porn was just something all guys do all the time. Many of my friends still have this view.
When I finally lost my virginity at 23, my first time was terrible. I was semi-hard, nervous and nothing was working. I did not enjoy it at all, and I'm sure my ex-girlfriend would say the same. I did love her, but I'd been training my nervous system to respond sexually another way for so long, it was like my body didn't know what to do. Our sex life was one of the main reasons we broke up after a couple of years. I was watching porn a lot the whole time. Now, I realize that I was sabotaging our relationship, but at the time I blamed her. She did have problems of her own, but didn't deserve all the blame. In my defense, I honestly didn't know any better.
Since then, I've had sex, but I've never really been able to relax and enjoy it. I'm always nervous, and frequently have problems getting an erection. My last orgasm was at the hands of a Chinese massage girl and even then, I had trouble orgasming. She was pretty and had an attractive body, but it took a long time for me to orgasm, and she almost gave up. This is just one example of how I've shorted-circuited my ability to become aroused through normal means.
A hot girl could be naked with legs spread on the bed in front of me, and I'd still need some sort of manual stimulation to get hard. This really scares me. I want my libido back. I want to feel normal again. I want to be connected with the rest of the world and enjoy my life. I've been using porn to escape, and I'm convinced it played a significant part in causing my past depression.
Last year, I had a decent attempt at quitting porn and noticed improvements. But I was still masturbating and reading erotica during that time. This current effort is the first time I've actually tried going without any orgasm or externally arousing stimuli, and I feel that this is the key. It seems like total abstinence would speed the recovery process. I would also point out that I'm 28 and pretty healthy physically and emotionally, and my diet is pretty clean. I'm working out regularly. I don't smoke. I do drink to excess on the weekends though.
The strange thing is that it hasn't been hard to stop, once I made the decision. Apart from mild headaches and restless sleep, I haven't had the withdrawal symptoms many people mention. Instead, I feel nothing. It's like I just don't have a libido. No morning wood. No wet dreams. No spontaneous erections. No cravings. Haven't been horny. I've had opportunities to have sex but my body is not responding. I'm taking tango classes, so I'm reasonably social but still no sign of my libido. I can dance with a beautiful girl and have no physical reaction whatsoever. I'm aware cerebrally that a girl is attractive, but I don't feel it physically.
The thing that keeps me going with the abstinence is my faith that I'll be able to reboot my brain and get back to normal. But it's frustrating.
[Six weeks later] This week marks a turning point in my recovery process. Before I go on, I need to describe the girl from tango dancing. She's tall, green eyes (I love green eyes), great body, and cool as hell. She's really street smart and down to earth and can hold a conversation about heaps of things. She just wants to have fun, which is exactly what I need right now.
I think it's safe to say my libido is back, but it was eight weeks of no porn, masturbation or erotica, and minimal fantasy. My goal was to make it to a wet dream, as an indication that my body was beginning to respond normally. I never made it. Last week, I had an externally stimulated orgasm with a Thai massage girl. Part of me wishes I'd waited, just out of curiosity to see how long it would have taken. But then my goal is to have a healthy sex life again, not wet dreams.
Other than that incident, it was straight abstinence. [When I finally had sex with the girl I met at tango class], there was no erectile dysfunction (ED). I was hard without her touching me downstairs. We had sex multiple times, so on the second and third time I needed a little "help," but there was no ED as such. The fourth time we'd waited a few hours, and I got hard with no help, just by being turned on. So I think it's safe to say I'm getting legitimate, unassisted erections now.
I've also realized is that sex is not a performance...it's about two people connecting and having fun. I think it's going to take quite a while to unlearn all the crap that I absorbed from watching porn, which is not what sex is about at all. I know what to focus on now though; I really tried to make the session as slow and sensual as possible, with lots of caressing and touching. So, I think that it is just a matter of time and practicing real sex with real women.
Makes total sense!!!
21 hours 45 minutes in so far...let's see how long I'll last !! ...lol