E46 BMW Social Directory E46 FAQ 3-Series Discussion Forums BMW Photo Gallery BMW 3-Series Technical Information E46 Fanatics - The Ultimate BMW Resource BMW Vendors General E46 Forum The Tire Rack's Tire Wheel Forum Forced Induction Forum The Off-Topic The E46 BMW Showroom For Sale, For Trade or Wanting to Buy

Welcome to the E46Fanatics forums. E46Fanatics is the premiere website for BMW 3 series owners around the world with interactive forums, a geographical enthusiast directory, photo galleries, and technical information for BMW enthusiasts.

You are currently viewing our boards as a guest which gives you limited access to view most discussions and access our other features. By joining our free community you will have access to post topics, communicate privately with other members (PM), respond to polls, upload content and access many other special features. Registration is fast, simple and absolutely free so please, join our community today!

If you have any problems with the registration process or your account login, please contact contact us.

Go Back   E46Fanatics > Everything Else > The Off-Topic > Love Line

Love Line

Reply
 
Thread Tools Search this Thread Rating: Thread Rating: 1 votes, 5.00 average. Display Modes
Old 07-17-2014, 03:52 PM   #1
GhostFlame
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: oceans
Posts: 193
My Ride: LSB/HPF
Is she hiding something, or am I overanalyzing?

Been dating this 24 year old girl for the past 10 months or so, if it matters at all I'm 26. We are of similar background, both have met the others' family, and any arguments/disagreements have been petty & are generally smoothed over in a couple days.

I come from a background where 2 of my previous relationships were ended over built-up petty suspicions that escalated beyond repair because both parties (myself included) had admittedly too much pride. This is something that I've tried to learn from and not repeat, and here is where OT's advice comes in.

Things in my current have been a little shaky for the past month, or at least that's the way I'm seeing it. Everybody is insecure to some degree - if you disagree, you're not honest with yourself. That said, I need a reality check on whether or not my suspicions have any merit for further dissection:

Perhaps its easiest to make a list of the most noteworthy turbulence:
- Currently works with someone she previously hooked up with.
- Last week it was revealed to me that her Ex contacted her (she claims no response)

Okay, so above nothing has technically happened from her side AFAIK and it was information she decided to share. But, the discussion was framed was in a very formal and serious manner. Is this a test of some sort? Obviously its uncomfortable knowing both of those avenues exist, but I don't want to come off as a needy insecure prick and confront her if I don't need to.

- Her initiative to make plans has decreased. At the end of every date, we would always map out what we'd do next and when. Over the past few weeks that hasn't happened. I've not called her out on it yet, but trying to feel the situation out.

- Sex drive is still there, but it feels like I almost always need to engage or initiate for things to happen.


I understand life changes, responsibilities grow, and people need time to themselves as well. The rather sudden distance has me taken by surprise, and I'm wondering how to approach the situation. Whether its a discussion, ignoring it completely for now, backing off my initiative in response and gauging her response.. I'd like to hear some opinions on a suitable reaction.
__________________
GhostFlame is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-17-2014, 04:47 PM   #2
dabears
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Edmonton/Vernon
Posts: 224
My Ride: 2003 BMW M3
My 2c given what you wrote here?

She's emotionally cheating on you with someone, likely the co-worker.

You have two options in my eyes:

A) Be a better boyfriend. There is a reason she is doing it.
B) End it.

You've been dating for 10 months, if it were me I'd end it.

This sounds extreme, but if this kind of stuff is coming up at 10 months do you honestly think you can deal with it forever?
__________________
dabears is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-17-2014, 08:41 PM   #3
IFX
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Very South
Posts: 1,349
My Ride: M156
does she live with you?

the part where she has reduced her "plans" with you bothers me.

were you the one to always engage sex?
__________________
IFX is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-18-2014, 10:10 AM   #4
blazedxjan
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Joisey
Posts: 464
My Ride: 01 325ci
Quote:
Originally Posted by dabears View Post
My 2c given what you wrote here?

She's emotionally cheating on you with someone, likely the co-worker.

You have two options in my eyes:

A) Be a better boyfriend. There is a reason she is doing it.
B) End it.

You've been dating for 10 months, if it were me I'd end it.

This sounds extreme, but if this kind of stuff is coming up at 10 months do you honestly think you can deal with it forever?
this man has a valid point.

have you changed anything? attention giving, attitude, effort?
__________________

Shout Out cowmoo

RIP Edgar F. Glavez 4/19/89-10/19/2014

blazedxjan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-18-2014, 10:38 AM   #5
217Bimmer
Registered User
 
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Illinoise
Posts: 147
My Ride: Dodge Durango
10 months is the honeymoon period. it's hard to have that last forever. it's not uncommon to go the extra mile for someone you are wooing and then tone it down once you have caught them. people get busy and tired and just need to relax. generally happens in your late 20's and 30's as you settle down. talk to her if it bothers you.

if you see yourself with her, no reason you can't wait out the co worker situation. if it becomes a problem then confront it, but don't blow it out of proportion. you will damage your relationship if you act like you can't trust her.
217Bimmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 07-18-2014, 10:54 AM   #6
DylloS
Registered User
 
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: NY
Posts: 672
My Ride: nothing
Quote:
Originally Posted by dabears View Post
My 2c given what you wrote here?

She's emotionally cheating on you with someone, likely the co-worker.

You have two options in my eyes:

A) Be a better boyfriend. There is a reason she is doing it.
B) End it.

You've been dating for 10 months, if it were me I'd end it.

This sounds extreme, but if this kind of stuff is coming up at 10 months do you honestly think you can deal with it forever?
agreed

been there. Your uneasiness is there for a reason. The lack of plan making is huge imo.
DylloS is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2014, 02:36 PM   #7
NOVAbimmer
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: VA
Posts: 13,003
My Ride: 14 Impala FXST M796
you're coming off as insecure and needy. You sound like you'd nearly have an emotional meltdown if she ran into someone she had dated previously and said "hi". It sounds like there's most likely nothing going on. Worst case, her interest in you might be waning.

Talk to her.
__________________
NOVAbimmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2014, 06:26 PM   #8
allikanbe
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: VA
Posts: 45
My Ride: 2006 330Ci Convertib
pics to make worthwhile comment.
allikanbe is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2014, 08:15 PM   #9
e46dinan
Registered User
 
Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: L.A CALI
Posts: 69
My Ride: E46 M3, E53 4.6is
Quote:
Originally Posted by NOVAbimmer View Post
you're coming off as insecure and needy. You sound like you'd nearly have an emotional meltdown if she ran into someone she had dated previously and said "hi". It sounds like there's most likely nothing going on. Worst case, her interest in you might be waning.

Talk to her.
Here's your answer.
e46dinan is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-06-2014, 09:04 PM   #10
wildirish317
Registered User
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Louisville, KY
Posts: 3,083
My Ride: 2004 325Ci vert
What happened to OP?


Sent from BimmerApp
__________________


“The test of the machine is the satisfaction it gives you. There isn't any other test. If the machine produces tranquility it's right. If it disturbs you it's wrong until either the machine or your mind is changed.”

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike Miller
I just don't know what I'd do with 560 hp that doesn't involve getting arrested.
wildirish317 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2014, 03:56 AM   #11
GhostFlame
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: oceans
Posts: 193
My Ride: LSB/HPF
Quote:
Originally Posted by dabears View Post
My 2c given what you wrote here?

She's emotionally cheating on you with someone, likely the co-worker.

You have two options in my eyes:

A) Be a better boyfriend. There is a reason she is doing it.
B) End it.

You've been dating for 10 months, if it were me I'd end it.

This sounds extreme, but if this kind of stuff is coming up at 10 months do you honestly think you can deal with it forever?
Nobody's perfect, hence why I created this thread.

Sometimes I'm easily upset but that doesn't do me any favors in the grand scheme. Aside from this I'd be hard pressed to find any noteworthy shortcommings.
Obviously its hard to judge myself.

At 26, am I expected to be a party animal? Be "tight" with my boyz?
My social circle is scattered, and I'm laid back in the sense that I don't put much effort into friendships anymore/less care.

You've given me a few things to think about.

Quote:
Originally Posted by blazedxjan View Post
this man has a valid point.

have you changed anything? attention giving, attitude, effort?
Effort perhaps.

Starting to realize I'm questioning her past more than I have most Ex's. Not because of any raging suspicions, but because there's more of an investment.

Side effect is that I could appear more distant/hesitant in terms of what I reveal about myself, or further investment from my end.


Quote:
Originally Posted by NOVAbimmer View Post
you're coming off as insecure and needy. You sound like you'd nearly have an emotional meltdown if she ran into someone she had dated previously and said "hi". It sounds like there's most likely nothing going on. Worst case, her interest in you might be waning.

Talk to her.
I don't dispute that.

How would you go about addressing a situation like this or even discussing certain topics, without hinting towards insecurity?
Difficult given the subject matter.

Another question might be, what's the best way to react when "talk to her" yields only concise replies. Pulling teeth sucks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by wildirish317 View Post
What happened to OP?


Sent from BimmerApp
He defaulted to an archived "IDGAF.exe" routine and things improved.

BS from social media got me questioning again, so here we are.
__________________

Last edited by GhostFlame; 08-12-2014 at 04:00 AM.
GhostFlame is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2014, 06:35 AM   #12
Foxtrot_Uniform
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: 15 acres on the river
Posts: 1,652
My Ride: 325Xi
How was it "revealed" to you? Did SHE tell you or did a friend? If she told you, that is called "communication" and is a good thing. What you do with that is up to you but if she told you I wouldn't worry...

If one of her co-workers told you and you approached her about it... That might be a different story.

Any worthwhile relationship takes effort on BOTH sides. They ALL take work!
__________________
Foxtrot_Uniform is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 08-12-2014, 03:28 PM   #13
NOVAbimmer
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: VA
Posts: 13,003
My Ride: 14 Impala FXST M796
if she goes with nothing but concise replies, you pretty much have your answer anyway. Either something's happening and she doesn't want to talk about it, end of relationship, or nothing's happening, but she doesn't want to talk with you to figure out what's happening in the relationship, same answer.

A relationship without communication isn't a relationship.
__________________
NOVAbimmer is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-05-2014, 02:15 PM   #14
Reedo302
Registered User
 
Reedo302's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 7,906
My Ride: F30 328i M Sport
Eventually at some point, most people go into some level of autopilot mode in a relationship. It gets tedious and somewhat exhausting to do the extra effort that goes on in the early parts of the relationship. When you sit back and look at what you did in the early days of the relationship and how much thought and effort you put into things, you realize how much it took. Some people have the ability to keep it up to some degree, as they enjoy the extra effort. Everyone backs off on it though, but just to different levels. Some back off 20%, some back off 90%. There is a possibility that she has settled into a groove and is taking a more laissez faire approach to the relationship. There are things like constant fore-planning that start to wear on people, since it becomes tedious. This tedium reduces the spontaneity of the relationship, and many people do not like having things constantly planned out all the time. When you just go do whatever whenever, it's not always a bad thing.
I think that you may be gauging the quality of your relationship off of your own perception only, without deference to how she may feel about it. Are you absolutely certain that she was enthusiastic about always planning out every date?

That's just one option though. The other situation relates to your perceptions of other things in her life that may pose a threat to you. Just because she works with a guy that she's hooked up with before, that doesn't mean that he's a threat. There are plenty of women that have regretted hooking up with guys, and wish they never had. The concern would be her relationship with him and what they do together for work duties. Does she talk about him ever? Does she mention him in random stories for no reason? Things like that should give you a hint. Have you talked to her about her feelings or opinions of him?

I'm not one to say you should write her off right away. I think you're panicking way too early in the game and you need to collect more information. In that regard, it's what NOVA recommended, which is to sit down and talk to her. Don't be accusatory, but rather be inquisitive about what SHE wants out of the relationship and how she perceives it's going. Give the relationship time to even out and see where it's going. It's either going to get worse, or stay the same. In relationships, homeostasis isn't a bad thing. Just find out if she's settled into her "groove", or if she is becoming more distant.
__________________
DinanTronics Stage 1 F30 328i M Sport



Gunfighter Training Development and Evaluation
AR15/AR10 Armorer/Advanced Armorer
Glock Armorer


Gunfighter Training YouTube Channel
Reedo302 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-06-2014, 08:23 AM   #15
glhx
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 1,936
My Ride: 2002 330ci
After 10 months ......this girl sure has a lot of control over you.
You have attachments....I understand that. When your willing to let go, your free to live your life as you like.
If something has changed with her all of a sudden, then something has changed.

Let her go. Tell her you want to meet other people. She will either be very upset or she won't care. If she doesn't care you have your answer. More than likely she will care though. When people have control over you they like it because people like power. They won't want to give up the ability to toy with you. When you leave it means they never had control and they can't toy with you.

Let's say she leVes you....she will be happy because she wasn't hurt. She will have a new honey moon phase. She won't be thinking of how your hurt. She will have the smooth transition and never have to be alone.

This sort of action hurts......for a time. It's almost painful. You want to cry and you just want the pain to go away. You want to run from it. But you can't so you meet it head on. Your in some pain right now but its of the lesser degree because you are not sure if you have lost something yet. Your too young to worry about one girl.

And I also want you to ask yourself something...........................is she having the same thoughts you are? Is she on a forum asking why your doing this or that? Is she talking to her friends about why you didn't make plans like normal?
I doubt it.



Stay away for a while
Have standards and if your needy and proud.....then be so.....but accept that you are. You need to get over that and focus on yourself. The women will work better that way

In conclusion. This is just advice.......you and I both know that you know your situation better than anyone on here. You can take every post above and use the information for you. Throw what doesn't apply away. I think you already have your answer. Now it's time to listen to yourself

Last edited by glhx; 10-06-2014 at 08:37 AM.
glhx is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-29-2014, 07:27 PM   #16
M3Inline6
Ain't buying any more cars!
 
Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: In a squat rack!
Posts: 1,887
My Ride: Not a Porsche GT3!
There's sound advice present here as well as some nonsense. Ghost, our intuition is usually more right than it is wrong. If things aren't adding up, it's for a reason. Take from that what you will.
M3Inline6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 01-15-2015, 08:16 PM   #17
Cowspoo
Registered User
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 768
My Ride: 328Ci
This thread helped me. Its just hard removing all the good that comes from a relationship - on purpose, with no replacement in sight.
__________________
spacebarissolazy
doesntfeelikebeingpressed
Cowspoo is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2015, 05:22 PM   #18
GhostFlame
Registered User
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: oceans
Posts: 193
My Ride: LSB/HPF
Update: Relationship terminated.

We are 2 different people, miles apart personality-wise. Took me too long to realize that.

My advice, is just because you get along with someone on a surface level, don't settle. Dig deep.
Vacation with them, spend a week with them. Get to know them on a day to day basis, not just out on dates.

All of the arguments started 6+ months in, after the honeymoon stage.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Cowspoo View Post
This thread helped me. Its just hard removing all the good that comes from a relationship - on purpose, with no replacement in sight.
Don't just replace. Learn your lessons and upgrade.

I literally re-enabled my dating profile as the "ex" left my house after our breakup.
2 weeks later, I'm 5 dates in with someone new and happy.
__________________

Last edited by GhostFlame; 05-04-2015 at 05:27 PM.
GhostFlame is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2015, 05:41 PM   #19
Foxtrot_Uniform
Registered User
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: 15 acres on the river
Posts: 1,652
My Ride: 325Xi
In personal relationships and business... The demons don't come out for up to 12 months.
__________________
Foxtrot_Uniform is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 05-04-2015, 06:04 PM   #20
M3Inline6
Ain't buying any more cars!
 
Join Date: Dec 1969
Location: In a squat rack!
Posts: 1,887
My Ride: Not a Porsche GT3!
Quote:
Originally Posted by GhostFlame View Post
My advice, is just because you get along with someone on a surface level, don't settle. Dig deep.
Vacation with them, spend a week with them. Get to know them on a day to day basis, not just out on dates.
I follow this protocol myself.
M3Inline6 is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search
Display Modes Rate This Thread
Rate This Thread:

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Censor is ON





All times are GMT -5. The time now is 05:59 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2015, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
(c) 1999 - 2011 performanceIX Inc - privacy policy - terms of use