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Old 05-04-2012, 08:12 PM   #61
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if you can't appreciate him, then block him...
I did appreciate it but now its become the SAME OLE THANG over and over and over and over and over and over. Its like going to watch the same movie 500 times
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:03 AM   #62
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I did appreciate it but now its become the SAME OLE THANG over and over and over and over and over and over. Its like going to watch the same movie 500 times
At least I'm consistent

Sent from my phone while pooping.
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Old 05-05-2012, 12:43 AM   #63
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At least I'm consistent

Sent from my phone while pooping.
And hilarious.
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Old 05-05-2012, 09:05 AM   #64
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And hilarious.
And I thank you

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Old 05-07-2012, 01:43 PM   #65
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Alright but hey keep it judgement free, okay? It's not one of my prouder moments and like I said in my first comment; I'm passed that phase of my life so I guess I can talk about how I used to be ... just keep in mind that I'm much more well adjusted nowadays.

I think one of the main contributors to the sort of "breakdown" that I had (that lead to the public masturbation phase and some other weird stuff) was the death of both of my grand parents. My grandpa was one of the best men I've ever had the honor of knowing, and his passing was really tough on me. He passed away a month or so before the cinema incident I described in my first comment, and the grief did some very strange things to me.

The worst part about grandpas passing was the fact that he left my grand mother behind. They were married for something like 58 years and so quite understandably she was devastated when he died. I don't know if you can actually die from heart ache, but she passed away shortly after grand dad (she had a stroke) and I've always thought of that as her sort of "giving up" and accepting death as an elderly person.

Anyway her death happened pretty much in the peak of my public wanking phase, which just made it worse as I was already not coping very well and losing her was another blow to my mental well being. Her funeral was a small one, maybe 30-40 people, and we all gathered at my mothers house afterward for the wake.

Everyone was standing around, nibbling on snacks and making small talk when all of a sudden my urges kicked in. I was incredibly aroused but at the same time disgusted with myself for even considering masturbating at my grandmothers wake. I kinda snapped myself out of it and continued on with my day.

Now this isn't something I'm proud of .... but of course with a wake being a wake there were loads of photos of my grandma and her life scattered around the place. Holiday photos, her wedding, stuff like that. What I hadn't realised before that day was that as a younger woman my grandma was really, really good looking. There were some photos of her in sort of pin-up (I think that's the term) outfits and poses. As horrible as it sounds, she looked incredibly sexy.

That was it for me. I had controlled my urges really well so far but that type of stimulus was the final push ... I couldn't help it. I was pretty much doubled over trying to hide the huge boner I had and every single second I stood there without relieving myself was absolute torture. I had a quick look over both shoulders to check that nobody was watching and when the coast was clear I grabbed a few of the best photos and headed to the (empty) kitchen. Pretty much as soon as the door closed behind me, my pants were unzipped and my dick was in my hand. I don't remember it taking very long, but I stared at those photos and jerked off and I ended up cumming incredibly, incredibly hard. One of those ones where every muscle in your body tenses up and your hands shake. Definitely in my top 5. As I finished up and I went into that post-masturbation state of clarity, I realised exactly what I had done and the euphoria of my orgasm was replaced with a tremendous amount of shame. Most of the load had actually covered the photos still in my hand... I was incredibly hateful of myself straight away: I was standing at a wake with my flaccid penis in one hand and the semen covered photographs of my recently deceased grandmother in the other. Even thinking about it makes me ashamed.

I ended up folding up the photos, putting them in my back pocket and disposing of them straight into the trash can later that evening. Luckily nobody saw me do anything but the entire experience will always stick with me as one of the most horrible things I've ever done.
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Old 05-07-2012, 04:42 PM   #66
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Going on my to read list haha
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Old 05-07-2012, 05:49 PM   #67
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lol read all of them except gabes long ass one. ill save that for later.

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Old 05-08-2012, 03:23 PM   #68
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Went home with random bish from a club, get in her house and into bed, i am pretty drunk but start eating that poon and i realise that something isn't right but i'm drunk so didn't care. The next thing i need a piss so stop eating poon and go to her bathroom, i take a look in the mirror and i have blood all around my mouth and on my face.





Another time i Started a new job and after a week i decide to go out on a work night to socialise with colleagues. End up hooking with a random biach from work. I don't know her very well and go back to her house.

I get into bed with her and i am lying on top of her and the next thing she grabs my ass really hard and i am like WTF you are really strong she laughs and looks behind like she is looking at someone. I turn around and there is a guy standing looking at me with a demented grin on his face. I jump up on the bed and kick him in the face with my bare foot and he falls back, bish jumps up and says "That is my husband you fvcker" and scratches my neck with her nails. I punch the bish in the face as i am freaking out i then jump off the bed and grab my clothes as the husband is getting back up so i boot him in the balls as i vacate out of the bedroom and out of their house.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:24 PM   #69
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had a girl just kind of lay there and look at me as if to say "alright then, start doing sex to me"

she genuinely had no concept of different positions apart from missionary. I lifted her legs up to put them over my shoulders and a) she didn't even nearly have the flexibility and b) she actually said "wtf are you doing" like the legs-over-shoulders position is some kind of mysterious deviant sex act that she doesn't understant the purpose of.

bertstared her hard, dropped her legs and sent my soldier into battle in normal missionary, which is the most boring position ever as far as I'm concerned. she didn't move at all, barely made any noise and kept her eyes open and face expressionless, just looking up at me with glassy eyes (inb4 jokes about her not feeling anything). started to lose my boner so I went down on her (hairy, ugh), same thing. no noise, no movement, eyes open, face blank. was wondering if my technique had completely deserted me when suddenly out of nowhere she had this minor shaking orgasm which lasted for about 20 seconds and said "omg that was amazing, you're so good at that".

then instantly back to not moving or saying anything, just looking at me like "hurry up do sex to me again"

no concept of giving head either.

and to cap it all off the bish implied she was on the pill but was actually on fertility medication to increase chances of conception and only saw fit to tell me afterwards

rest of the night was spent in cold fear that I was going to be a daddy. morning after pill time.

work was awkward on monday.
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:26 PM   #70
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1.
Amsterdam, started drinking at 6am
See sex show, after, want to smash, around 10pm
her "50 euro for suck or fuk" me: Fuk obvs
Find it hard to get hard, say phuck it, have a go anyway
she lies there are takes it
been drinking for 14 hours straight, knackered after about 2 minutes
she says "have you been drinking?" Me: "no?"
she says for another 50 euro we can change positions / suck me off
I'm mid sexy time, of course im going to say yes
gives incredible BJ, still cant jizz, she says times up
Me WTF? finnished myself off whilst she puts her clothes back on
SonIAmDisapoint.jpg


2nd time

My birthday, on holiday, random bish at the bar wants to take me back
go back to hers, everythings going good, i've been drinking again though...
eat her out, strong dry mouth
she rides me for a bit, whiskey dick ensues
I tell her I will finish her in the morning
go to sleep
5 minutes later, run to bathroom (still wearing condom) threw up everywhere, i mean everywhere, tried my best to clean it up, but i couldnt even stand up lol
go back to bed, feeling better now (lol), start to spoon then phuck her raw...few minutes later whiskey dick return, give up go to bed
next morning she gets up, goes to bathroom, I realize its a mess, put clothes on and run out before she comes out
like a boss
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:38 PM   #71
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After spending most of my evening drinking and striking out at one of my locals, I decided it was time to hit the showers. It just wasn't happening for me that night.

I was living with a female friend at the time. We'd never been anything other than platonic with each other-- never any real flicker of chemistry between us.

Anyways, I got home and she was there with another girl I'd never met-- and both of them were completely blitzed. She introduced me to the girl as I passed, but I was way too drunk to retain her name or anything she told me about her.

We decided to keep the party going, breaking out a bottle of Don Julio my roommate received as a gift. Shots turned into body shots, body shots into making out, making out into everyone getting naked.

All three of us had insane, filthy monkey sex in my living room. I mean, we really tested the limits of human eroticism that night. I remember flashes of that evening: feeding chocolate swirl pudding to my roommate off the tip of my dick, my roommate rimming me, my roommate's friend going ass-to-mouth. It was just like we were all caught up in this weird, bohemian thing. It just kept escalating.

Anyways, we fucked our drunks off.

Afterward, we all laid awkwardly in a sweaty pile in our living room-- everyone satisfied... if a little weirded-out. My roommate's friend left an hour or so later. I turned in for the night as my roommate walked her outside.

The next morning, it all feels like some weird dream. I'm sorta dreading talking to my roommate-- but she's already up as I'm walking into the kitchen. After a few minutes of strained small talk, my roommate asks if I wanted to "talk about last night." We both agree it was a one time thing and awkwardly laugh it off.

She puts her hand on her head and says, "I just can't believe I did all that shit with my cousin."
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:41 PM   #72
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wow, where do you get these, just insane.....hahaa
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Old 05-08-2012, 03:45 PM   #73
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looking for griff stuff, left thinking he was tha GAY
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Old 05-08-2012, 04:14 PM   #74
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looking for griff stuff, left thinking he was tha GAY
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Old 05-08-2012, 07:24 PM   #75
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+1 its becoming more annoying each day. Grow up already, youre not 15
or you could wash all of that grinding sand out of your vagina
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:31 AM   #76
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I thought we were telling personal stories. srs.
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Old 05-09-2012, 10:36 AM   #77
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Old 05-09-2012, 11:21 AM   #78
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I thought we were telling personal stories. srs.
i have some good stories, but they are not as pathetic as the ones posted.
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Old 05-09-2012, 04:37 PM   #79
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When I was 17 my girlfriend at the time was finally ready to have sex. I, as one might expect of a 17 year old, was excited. Neither hell nor high water was going to stand between me and my final destination.

I get ready for the night, trim everything up, shower extra well. Unfortunately there was also an issue. I have a digestion disorder that sometimes cause my sh1t to become large and quite solid while still inside me. I wasn't aware it was a treatable problem and, in fact, just thought everyone had to deal with the equivalent of anal kidney stones. I bring this up because I had a mighty one which had been loaded into the gun for several days.

Let me set the scene. Her parents are away. We have her house to ourselves. She was always a little kinky so she demands we do it in her parents bed.

I walk in to a candle holocaust. She's been working on this all day apparently, and its as bright as high noon in there with the lights off. Which is good, because she proceeds to do a sweet, sexy little dance for me. At 16, she was AMAZING. For those of you who never experienced a female at that age, I pity the fool.

Now I'm sitting on the bed, watching this dance. I smile and tell her how good she looks. Unfortunately, most of my attention is focused on the dull throbbing from my sphincter and the large amount of intestinal discomfort associated with not dropping deuce in days. But somehow I still get hard and we go to town.

She starts out on top, then we switch. I bend her over the bed, and I even smack her ass (a ballsy move at the time, but she loved it). Due to my built up distraction, I last for what seems like FOREVER. She can't stop moaning and telling me how good it feels, and then she says what every man wants to hear "I want to make you cum in my mouth." I ****ing love women.

So she goes down on me. She was always average at best in the head department but at least she tried. She pops my d1ck out of her mouth long enough to look up at me and say "tell me if you like this". Then I feel it.

She stuck her finger up my ass.

My brain hits the panic switch and every muscle in my entire body locks up tighter than a three year old virgin. But its too late.

I take a massive, PAINFUL, PAINFUL sh1t, all over her parents comforter.

No, you aren't understanding. I mean large. Huge. IMMENSE. Take your largest sh1t and multiple it by forty-two and you'll have an idea of what flew out of me.

And gents, when I say flew, I don't mean "I pooped." I mean "projectile". I mean "hurricane force winds hitting an umbrella stand". And due to my condition, it comes out as a large, dark brown, smelly harpoon.

I know it hit her. I didn't see it. She ran screaming "OH MY GOD OHMYGODOHMYGODEEEEEWWWWWWWW" but I always imagined that, due to her position, it hit her right in the chin. Or at least the t1ts.

I would like to say I got up to go after her. But I heard the bathroom door shut and I just lied there. The smell hit me after a few seconds. It smelled like someone rolled a cat in sh1t and threw it into a tire fire. I looked down and saw, to date, the largest bowel movement I've ever heard of laying on the bed. Then I noticed the blood, and when I did, I noticed the pain.

Apparently the fact that it was so large caused it to rip my ass a little bit (thought I was bleeding from the inside. This little doctors trip the next day is what taught me of my condition). There was a small pool of blood where my ass had been. A final reminder of the exact place and moment I lost my virginity. I will treasure this memory for all my days.

I grab my sh1t with my hands and go to the downstairs bathroom. I throw around 1/3 into the toilet and flush, fearing any more will clog it and only add to my already significant woes.

I stand there, holding 2/3's of my biggest sh1t of all time, feeling a trickle of blood flow down my leg, trying to ignore the sharp pain stabbing my rectum. I find myself wishing I had a photo of this.

Anyway, I finish flushing my baby, clean off my hands, jam toilet paper between my cheeks (I skipped the band aid) and went upstairs. I could hear my girlfriend sobbing from behind the bathroom door. I decided not to say anything to her and just keep moving. The smell in her parents room was abysmal. Its like when you take a sh1t and walk out of the bathroom you think "hey not so bad today," but then you walk back in to grab your magazine and go "HOLY FVCK!". It was one of those moments.

The scene is burned behind my eyelids for all time. My life. My shame. My very first time smelled like a pile of dead babies. I quickly got dressed since the heat from ten thousand candles was making the room feel more like a port-a-potty. I was aware enough to grab the comforter on my way out and drag it downstairs to their washer. Also the top and bottom sheets since the blood had leaked on through all the way to mattress. Still no sign of the GF but at this point I considered it a blessing.

I jammed in the washer with 3 loads worth of detergent and set it on spin, knowing that not even the hand of God would save these linens, let alone Tide and Snuggles.

Then I left. I avoided my GF's calls for days until she came to my house. We had a long talk about what happened. Talk being synonymous with "breaking up with me because I sh1t on her". And it was all over. She promised not to tell a soul and I don't THINK she ever did. She was probably as ashamed as I was about the whole deed. But I will always this happening as the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me.

CLIFFS:
- had digestive system disorder
- gf sets the mood in her parents bedroom
- gf gives oral to finish me off
- sticks finger in my ass
- i torpedo a sh1t on her parents bed
- tore my ass apart
- gf breaks up with me, after i break up sh1t in pieces so it can flush
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Old 06-28-2012, 01:49 PM   #80
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Beat the fuk out of 3 high school kids today.
So today there was a football game at my old high school. Feeling nostalgic, I went on over to go check it out. I went by myself. So I'm just chilling by myself on the bleachers, when midway through the third quarter three teenagers start laughing obnoxiously loud.

I just shrugged it off until I heard them laugh again. I look over and give them a stink eye, and they look at me and start laughing like hyenas again. Enraged at this point, I walk over to the three punks and tell them to shut their fukkin mouths. One of them tries to act all hard now and gets in my face and starts shouting, "What u gon do b1tch? Wut gan do b1tch? Wat u gunna do b1tch?" I told him, "Look, I'm not trying to fight some high school kids, I just want to watch the game. Could you please quiet down your laughter?"

Kid starts trying to act hard again and tells me to get my pube faced mustache outta there. He starts calling me a pedophile and a "children molesta." I was furious at this point and grabbed the fukking cholo by his hair and slammed his head against the bleachers. His two wannabe gang member friends tried to come at me. One of them threw a haymaker I saw coming from a mile away. I just throw out a left palm and immobilized his right arm. Flabbergasted that I was able to immobilize his arm so effortlessly, he remain frozen. I delivered a nice Muhammad Ali one-two to his face and he quickly went down.

The third guy was already trying to flee the scene at this point. He had just got off the bleachers, when I jumped from above and down to the ground level. I did ground sweep and tripped him to the floor. I mounted him and got him into a Kimura and broke his arm. Fukking vermin.

Cliffs:
- Went to high school football game.
- 3 Kids start laughing at me.
- I tell them to quiet down.
- They want to fight.
- I give them a fight.
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