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Old 06-28-2012, 02:57 PM   #81
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^ what a loser
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Old 06-28-2012, 02:58 PM   #82
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Old 06-28-2012, 03:00 PM   #83
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FWIW the "Pearl Diving" really has stuck with me.
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Old 06-28-2012, 03:10 PM   #84
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It was a hot summer day and I was in my workout room benching 1200 pounds. My abs were flexing and girls within a 10-mile radius were getting wet. Once I was done with my daily 32-hour workout I called one of the bitches I know, Jessica. She is really fucking hot and looks like a supermodel. So I got into my Lamborghini Gallardo and revved it up to 40,000 RPM (this is an Italian import with special engine system). I got onto the freeway near my house and threw it into 8th gear, I hit about 600 mph and I could hear the sonic boom as I broke the sound barrier. As I was flooring it on the freeway like a badass, Jessica called me and said she wanted me to fuck her. So be it.

I came to a full stop from 700 mph in front of her house. These Ferraris have top-notch brakes, you know. So she gets out of the house and walks up to my Bugatti and starts eyeballing my dick. I could tell she was staring at it because when I looked at her I noticed she was looking at my dick. Booya.

Flash forward 10 minutes later. My 30-inch dick is going inside of her pussy, hitting them walls. I'm holding her entire body up with my left pinky as I'm screwing her and she has 30,000 orgasms. She looks me in the eyes and she says fuck me harder, V-TEC just kicked in, yo. I blow my load so hard she falls off my dick. There had to have been about two gallons of cum everywhere. People say I cum like a porn star and I wouldn't disagree with them.

I throw her a towel so she can clean herself up then I do a triple back flip into my Maserati and drive home.
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Old 06-28-2012, 03:18 PM   #85
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I bought buildings my haters lived in to evict them.
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Old 06-28-2012, 03:29 PM   #86
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Hahahahaha
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:17 PM   #87
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Pool story...

At first I was like

But then I was like
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Old 06-28-2012, 05:26 PM   #88
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I suck. A guy I work with invited me to his house on July 4. He said "Ok I've got a ***** coming out for ya 3 drinks she will f."

So what happens?

She drinks some, I drink more than usual, we talk, she won't sit on my lap in the hot tub, I pass out in the yard, and later find out that she was on her hands and knees above me with a penor in both ends.

I don't know how I fail so miserably. I must be female repellant.


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I can honestly say that because of Griffin, i am desensitized to alot of wierd stuff!

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Old 06-29-2012, 01:14 AM   #89
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I go out with a girl several times. Yes, we met on the Internet. Through several conversations and texting, I find out that she is an interior designer, has a black belt in ninjutsu, and is basically loaded. Yes, she was 39, but she had a face like porcelain and the body of a 25-year-old. After a succession of great dates, we finally go to her place. Sadly, she has her roommate there, a blonde paraplegic in her early 30s. We eat food (cooked by my date) and things go smoothly. By this point, I have finished off half a bottle of Santa Margherita Pinot Grigio (I never drink wine, and I grew up Mormon, so alcohol was alcohol to me).

After the meal, we roll into the living room to watch Eurotrip. I turn to give a french kiss to my date; it's clear that we're completely infatuated by this point, and I think that she's a little turned on. But of course, the disabled woman is watching us making out and she is essentially dying inside that a hot guy is making out with her upright-walking best friend.

BEING THE GENTLEMEN THAT I AM, I decide that the best way to make the roomie feel more at home is to walk over and give her a smack on the lips. A kiss turns into a groping. Next thing I know, I'm lowering my head to suck on her boob. My date at this point stands up and points to the door, wanting me to leave.
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Old 06-29-2012, 03:12 AM   #90
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^ dumbass
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Old 06-29-2012, 06:45 PM   #91
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My gf told me her pops and mom is gone for the day so I go over there and we get to the living and get to the fuking and were going at it for a good 10 minutes when we hear the door open. My gf starts freaking out and tries to get dressed but I hold her down and tell her that Im close to creamping so just lay back and quiet down for a bit. So her pops walks in on us and starts swearing and yelling like a b1tch, I sigh and push my girl to the side and casually put my boxers on, hes saying all this shiit like "how dare u do this to my daughter in my own home!" I see him drool in anger and his fat gut bounce up and down and its reminding me of the potato man so i start laughing.

He starts getin all upset at me laughing so he starts coming close to me and asking me wut was so funny, my gf is just screaming some gibberish so i block that shiit out and teep kick her in the stomach and she falls to the ground. At this point her pops rages and starts coming at me with some wild swing, i just lol and move quick to his side, grab a hold of his shirt and toss him into the glass table, all 250 pounds of his fatass come crashing down on it and it just breaks everywhere, i start laughing hysterically as hes flopping around all bloody, while my girl goes over to help him and tells me that were done. I say oh ya were done? just about u sloot, remember that creampie i promised? ill do u one better, i start to masturbate to this scene and shoot a load several feet onto her face, mustve been a hot load because she starts screaming again. I just pick up my clothes and gtfo there before she calls the cops or some shiit
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I can honestly say that because of Griffin, i am desensitized to alot of wierd stuff!
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Old 06-29-2012, 09:39 PM   #92
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bahahaha who the **** thinks up these stories
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Old 07-02-2012, 08:40 PM   #93
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The best thread ever made.
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:17 PM   #94
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Can we sticky this?

From the desk of Dwight Schrute
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Old 07-02-2012, 09:22 PM   #95
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Old 07-03-2012, 01:12 AM   #96
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Can we sticky this?

From the desk of Dwight Schrute
That would be sweet

Sent from my phone.
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I can honestly say that because of Griffin, i am desensitized to alot of wierd stuff!
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Old 07-03-2012, 03:53 PM   #97
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I usually wake up and go brush my teeth and stare in the mirror. This morning was no exception but something incredible happened. As I was looking at my reflection, my body starting from my feet was starting to blur and deform itself. As I was staring at it, I felt a huge pressure in my leg. The more I looked the more my body was twisting itself in what seemed like a vortex.

After 10 seconds even the bathroom behind me was twisting into nothingness and I started to scream but my voice had this metal-like sound, as if I was yelling through a synthetizer.
I felt my bones were under great pressure and my skin was being torn apart, however there was no pain.
I started to levitate towards the mirror and was trying to hold myself back but my fingers were now 2 meters long and my penor was also starting to deform, I thought little of it, but what happened next was worse. My vision, however deformed, was still seeing what was on the other side. It was a woman in her 30s who was masturbating on the counter and I was flying and getting dragged all the way into her vagina. When I finally got in, there was a torch which I lit up and could see thousands or dead bodies. I thought about a way of getting out then I started fapping, thinking if I impregnate her she will let me out. Which is exactly what happened. I came on the ground and my sperm grew exponentially, each of them got into their own go kart and raced all the way to the end of the dark hole.

I heard a voice then I was out, standing there and at this point I knew it was time for me to hurry up cause I was gonna be late for work.
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I can honestly say that because of Griffin, i am desensitized to alot of wierd stuff!
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Old 07-03-2012, 08:14 PM   #98
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Old 07-03-2012, 09:02 PM   #99
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this thread made me shed tears
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Old 07-03-2012, 09:35 PM   #100
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this thread made me shed tears
Sticky?

Sent from my phone.
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