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Old 01-01-2013, 12:21 PM   #1
King of Chicago
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Family member addicted to heroine...

so here's the deal, my wife recently found out her only sibling is a heroine addict. Its a very long story but bottom line, the guy is 38, lives with his dad, has no job, money, friends, or belongings. He was hooked on pain pills for 15 years, then migrated to heroine 5 years ago. Amazingly, he used heroine everyday, while driving a car, going to work everyday, and has never once been arrested, killed, or OD'd. He went to rehab in July for 6 weeks, and within 48 hours was back to using. He has a 10 year-old daughter he "loves" but like a typical addict, she is not a priority. He just had to bum $100 from his mom to buy her gifts, even though for 7 months he's been getting unemployment with no food, medical, or living expenses at all. Her parents are a major problem, they continue to support him, feed him, give him money, and admit they will never kick him out on the streets. My wife is not sure what to do. I know the statistics, and the probability says he will be an addict for life, end up dead or in jail,and considering at his age, the fact he has a kid, etc., he's never wanted to get clean, I don't really see him ever turning it around.

that said, have any of you been through this, and what should we do? It seems like any rehab facility requires insurance which he no longer has after losing his job. My wife's family does not have the means to pay for rehab.

What do you do with an addict who shows no motivation to get well, has parents that understandably can't bring themselves to kicking him out, but the situation is sucking the life out of the rest of the family?
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:24 PM   #2
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Methadone clinic.....heroine users are selfish as fvck.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:36 PM   #3
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Nothing really to add but I do have a friend who died from using heorin the 1st time. He was in his 20s.



Its the hardest drug to get off and I remember reading somewhere that Opium affects the pleasure center of your brain. It basically tricks your brain into really believing that you need it feel pleasure. Tough situation, good luck!
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:42 PM   #4
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My sister was/probably still is a heroin addict. I'm not for sure because she lives in france now and I refuse to have anything to do with her. I've made it clear that she is not welcome at my home or around my wife or daughter. I haven't spoken to her in almost 3 years. Hell, she could be dead now for all I know.

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Old 01-01-2013, 12:47 PM   #5
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They are selfish fvcks, if he has no motivation to get better, there's a very little chance he will change.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:48 PM   #6
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This is a tough spot. I have a similar situation in my family that has affected us, one way or the other, for the past 15 years. I have thrown thousands of dollars at it as have other family members.

You can ONLY help someone if they WANT to be helped. Remember that above everything else. You can waste years of your life trying to help someone who will fight you at every opportunity or deny there is an issue. So... Try a time or two but be ready to have everyone in the family turn the cold shoulder and put them out. That is the only way the rest of the family will make it through... With minimal damage. And it lets the offending person know that they are on their own if they continue that behavior.

Sometimes it is the slap in the face they need... Other times they don't care.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:51 PM   #7
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thanks. I've learned a lot the last 6 months, and while its easy to hate the addict, reality is they look at the world differently. I'm convinced nearly every heavy addict suffers from a mental health disorder, whether it be depression, anxiety, bi-polarism, etc. Especially at this level, we're not talking about blowing rails off a chicks ass at a frat house, we're talking about locking yourself in your dads house all day doing drugs alone, its a pathetic and sad life. He has not one good quality, one asset, or even a single accomplishment to speak of, and he is almost 40. I'm certain he will be dead soon, if he doesn't get locked up first. I am willing to call the cops and bust him, probably the best thing for him. but he's an hour away and I have no way of knowing when/where he is using on a given day.

But back to my first post, he's at her dad's, he won't kick him out. is there any type of facility other than a homeless shelter you can take an uninsured addict? Its even for me to say "kick his @ss to the curb," but that's not going to happen with her parents, they're convinced if he gets booted he'll OD right away...such a frustrating mess
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:54 PM   #8
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This is a tough spot. I have a similar situation in my family that has affected us, one way or the other, for the past 15 years. I have thrown thousands of dollars at it as have other family members.

You can ONLY help someone if they WANT to be helped. Remember that above everything else. You can waste years of your life trying to help someone who will fight you at every opportunity or deny there is an issue. So... Try a time or two but be ready to have everyone in the family turn the cold shoulder and put them out. That is the only way the rest of the family will make it through... With minimal damage. And it lets the offending person know that they are on their own if they continue that behavior.

Sometimes it is the slap in the face they need... Other times they don't care.
I agree, I guess I'm trying to help her dad get rid of him, not get him well, as that is something he will have to want. and considering he's had 1,000 chances to get well, and at 38 has never once accomplished anything or shown any type of discipline or ability to set a goal and achieve it, he's a lost cause in my mind...but we need him out of her dads, he steals from him, lies to him, and we fear at her dads age (nearly 70), he is putting his own health in jeopardy.

In fact it is infuriating how similar the dynamic is between us negotiating with the enabling dad, and the dad negotiating with the addict. They are both in denial, both think it will all just go away one day, and as I've told her family, how do you expect the addict to change if the enablers around him don't change? I hate to be selfish but this is not what me, my wife, and our kids should be worrying about at night. I just want to focus on our household, but as long as her brother is living with a parent of my wife's, we cannot focus on our own lives..

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Old 01-01-2013, 12:55 PM   #9
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My sister was/probably still is a heroin addict. I'm not for sure because she lives in france now and I refuse to have anything to do with her. I've made it clear that she is not welcome at my home or around my wife or daughter. I haven't spoken to her in almost 3 years. Hell, she could be dead now for all I know.

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I see you're in Cincinnati, is that where she picked up the habit? brother-in-law resides in Dayton, seems like heroine/opiates/pain pills are quite common in Southern Ohio.
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Old 01-01-2013, 12:56 PM   #10
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thanks. I've learned a lot the last 6 months, and while its easy to hate the addict, reality is they look at the world differently. I'm convinced nearly every heavy addict suffers from a mental health disorder, whether it be depression, anxiety, bi-polarism, etc. Especially at this level, we're not talking about blowing rails off a chicks ass at a frat house, we're talking about locking yourself in your dads house all day doing drugs alone, its a pathetic and sad life. He has not one good quality, one asset, or even a single accomplishment to speak of, and he is almost 40. I'm certain he will be dead soon, if he doesn't get locked up first. I am willing to call the cops and bust him, probably the best thing for him. but he's an hour away and I have no way of knowing when/where he is using on a given day.

But back to my first post, he's at her dad's, he won't kick him out. is there any type of facility other than a homeless shelter you can take an uninsured addict? Its even for me to say "kick his @ss to the curb," but that's not going to happen with her parents, they're convinced if he gets booted he'll OD right away...such a frustrating mess
Honestly dude, sometimes it's better to just wash your hands and walk away. If he dies, he dies. Don't let some dope fiend come between you and your wife or anyone else. What's up with the daughter? She with her mom? Is she a stable person?

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Old 01-01-2013, 01:04 PM   #11
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I agree, I guess I'm trying to help her dad get rid of him, not get him well, as that is something he will have to want. and considering he's had 1,000 chances to get well, and at 38 has never once accomplished anything or shown any type of discipline or ability to set a goal and achieve it, he's a lost cause in my mind...but we need him out of her dads, he steals from him, lies to him, and we fear at her dads age (nearly 70), he is putting his own health in jeopardy.

In fact it is infuriating how similar the dynamic is between us negotiating with the enabling dad, and the dad negotiating with the addict. They are both in denial, both think it will all just go away one day, and as I've told her family, how do you expect the addict to change if the enablers around him don't change? I hate to be selfish but this is not what me, my wife, and our kids should be worrying about at night. I just want to focus on our household, but as long as her brother is living with a parent of my wife's, we cannot focus on our own lives..
Yeah... It took my Mom's financial advisor to tell her to stop giving money. My mom is almost 80 and on a fixed income, comfy but not rich... If she kept donating to the bottomless pit then both people go down the tubes... And then it drags in other family members and drains them too. So then the one person ends up sinking the whole family as they all try to kep the other from going down. Like dominoes.

Like I said... It is a rough spot. It is hard to reason with someone when love is involved. Everytime a new low is reached... It becomes the new "normal"... We had to see my sister go homeless and live in her car for a few weeks before she decided to agree that she needed help. She had to reach this on her own. She is a brain injury patient but the symptoms are the same. Denying there is a problem, everyone else has the problem, "Why don't you just leave me alone!?"

Good luck bro
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:12 PM   #12
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you need to give him an ultimatum, he either seeks treatment with the love and support of his family or he no longer has a place in the home or the family. cut him off. and you need to follow thru
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:12 PM   #13
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I see you're in Cincinnati, is that where she picked up the habit? brother-in-law resides in Dayton, seems like heroine/opiates/pain pills are quite common in Southern Ohio.
Yeah, something about this area. Seems to be a rather high concentration of hard drugs, especially in the more rural areas. I'm sure it's no different than other parts of the country, maybe it's just more noticeable because I live here?

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Old 01-01-2013, 01:13 PM   #14
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Honestly dude, sometimes it's better to just wash your hands and walk away. If he dies, he dies. Don't let some dope fiend come between you and your wife or anyone else. What's up with the daughter? She with her mom? Is she a stable person?

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My mother-in-law went broke supporting him, she is now 64 working at a grocery store collecting social security to survive. He would steal her ATM card and take money to buy dope, and she would then miss bill payments. unreal. Her dad is in a decent financial spot, but he always dumped him on the mom, now that he has him in his house for the first time in 20 years, he's paralyzed knowing if he doesn't coddle him he'll be in a shelter, and that's what I'm trying here is to find a place he can drop him off that isn't a shelter?

The baby mama (they of course we never married) is somewhat stable, lives in a rural area and his since married, so I think the daughter is in a good home. Honestly her dad does nothing for her, I'd rather the mom just keep her 100% of the time. another issue, the family has yet to tell the mom about his heroine addiction, she thinks its just weed and pain pills. As a parent, I think she should know and if I were her I'd require a drug screening before he sees her.

Total mess.

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Yeah... It took my Mom's financial advisor to tell her to stop giving money. My mom is almost 80 and on a fixed income, comfy but not rich... If she kept donating to the bottomless pit then both people go down the tubes... And then it drags in other family members and drains them too. So then the one person ends up sinking the whole family as they all try to kep the other from going down. Like dominoes.

Like I said... It is a rough spot. It is hard to reason with someone when love is involved. Everytime a new low is reached... It becomes the new "normal"... We had to see my sister go homeless and live in her car for a few weeks before she decided to agree that she needed help. She had to reach this on her own. She is a brain injury patient but the symptoms are the same. Denying there is a problem, everyone else has the problem, "Why don't you just leave me alone!?"

Good luck bro
He doesn't even have a car to sleep in, literally has a couple clothes and that's it. I just cannot imagine being remotely in their position, I'm spoiled with a good job, health and a family, sadly, all things he could have had if he went for them...

It sounds like your sister with/without support is abusing anyway?
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:13 PM   #15
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you need to give him an ultimatum, he either seeks treatment with the love and support of his family or he no longer has a place in the home or the family. cut him off. and you need to follow thru
This. Easier said than done, but this 100%.

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Old 01-01-2013, 01:14 PM   #16
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you need to give him an ultimatum, he either seeks treatment with the love and support of his family or he no longer has a place in the home or the family. cut him off. and you need to follow thru
If it was up to me he'd be at a shelter, problem is the dad is housing him and can't bring himself to actually pushing his only son onto the streets. I need a place that will take him, that his dad can support.
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Old 01-01-2013, 01:33 PM   #17
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My mother-in-law went broke supporting him, she is now 64 working at a grocery store collecting social security to survive. He would steal her ATM card and take money to buy dope, and she would then miss bill payments. unreal. Her dad is in a decent financial spot, but he always dumped him on the mom, now that he has him in his house for the first time in 20 years, he's paralyzed knowing if he doesn't coddle him he'll be in a shelter, and that's what I'm trying here is to find a place he can drop him off that isn't a shelter?

The baby mama (they of course we never married) is somewhat stable, lives in a rural area and his since married, so I think the daughter is in a good home. Honestly her dad does nothing for her, I'd rather the mom just keep her 100% of the time. another issue, the family has yet to tell the mom about his heroine addiction, she thinks its just weed and pain pills. As a parent, I think she should know and if I were her I'd require a drug screening before he sees her.

Total mess
See, imho the daughter would be my primary concern. Someone needs to tell her mother. If she's in a stable environment then that's good. He needs to lose any and all custody or visitation he has. As a parent myself if I knew my daughter was going to be in that type of an environment, it would be difficult for me to not go to great lengths (illegal included) to make sure that she wasn't exposed to that sh!t. The sooner her mother is made aware, the better off the daughter will be.

As for your father in law, give him the same ultimatum as your brother in law. They either confront the demon in front of them and deal with it with the love and support from everyone, or they're shut out of your lives forever. But in order for something like this to work, both you and your wife need to be 100% in agreement with each other.


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Old 01-01-2013, 01:38 PM   #18
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See, imho the daughter would be my primary concern. Someone needs to tell her mother. If she's in a stable environment then that's good. He needs to lose any and all custody or visitation he has. As a parent myself if I knew my daughter was going to be in that type of an environment, it would be difficult for me to not go to great lengths (illegal included) to make sure that she wasn't exposed to that sh!t. The sooner her mother is made aware, the better off the daughter will be.

As for your father in law, give him the same ultimatum as your brother in law. They either confront the demon in front of them and deal with it with the love and support from everyone, or they're shut out of your lives forever. But in order for something like this to work, both you and your wife need to be 100% in agreement with each other.


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I totally agree about the mom needing to know, he does not deserve visitation when cannot provide the basic elements (food, shelter, clothing). my in-laws have supported the daughter on his behalf, and let him get credit for it like the Christmas gifts he just gave her...

as far as the father-in-law, I don't have the authority to tell him what to do. His daughter or ex-wife need to do it, and they are getting close.

I've been tasked with finding a facility, of any kind, where the dad can drop him off at. so far I don't know of any options for a broker, uninsured, addict?

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Old 01-01-2013, 01:44 PM   #19
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I totally agree about the mom needing to know, she's no saint either, but compared to the addict dad she is mother of the year.

as far as the father-in-law, I don't have the authority to tell him what to do. His daughter or ex-wife need to do it, and they are getting close.

I've been tasked with finding a facility, of any kind, where the dad can drop him off at. so far I don't know of any options for a broker, uninsured, addict?
Start making phone calls to local rehab joints and explain the situation. I'm sure one of them can refer you to a place that can suit your situation. Worst case, he gets arrested and has to go to a court ordered/state run facility?

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Old 01-01-2013, 01:53 PM   #20
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Methadone clinic.....heroine users are selfish as fvck.
Methadone clinics are an effective and inexpensive treatment solution. Where does your brother in-law live?
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