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Political Talk
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:23 AM   #1
evolved
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Exclusive News - Hillary Drops out of POTUS Race

EXCLUSIVE: Reliable sources tell us that Hillary Clinton will disclose today that she will not be a candidate for the presidency in 2016. Our sources report that instead of running, Clinton will accept a position as Executive Vice President for Compliance at the Blackberry Corp. She will not explain this stunning decision to the press; rather, she will make the announcement this morning at a $100,000 per-person coffee and danish for corporate executives.

JOE BIDEN IN REHAB: Passing up what looks like a clear shot for the nomination, Vice President Biden today will check himself into the world-renowned Gstaad Clinic for the Treatment of Tourettes Syndrome. "The nurses will have their hands full with Uncle Joe," he winked.

FURIOUS REPUBLICANS DEMAND PROBE OF OBAMA NCAA BASKETBALL PICKS: Lean and hungry young Sen. Tom Cotton will announce today that a special prosecutor, most likely Kenneth Starr, will subpoena all emails related to Barack Obama's NCAA brackets. "Why in the world would he pick Kentucky? What does he know that we don't know?" proclaimed Cotton, 18, who picked Belmont to beat Lafayette in the finals.

TAX REFORM "DEAD FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS" Rep. Paul Ryan tells reporters, after admitting that he won't attempt to pay for massive new tax breaks for Wisconsin cheddar. "This will pay for itself -- if you score it correctly," Ryan asserted. Meanwhile, IRS officials report that only 47 American corporations are still domiciled in the U.S.; all the rest, officials said, are now located in Limerick, Ireland.

MORE FEDERAL RESERVE STIMULUS !! Janet Yellen is expected to announce today that the Fed will tap into its secret cash hoard (known internally as the "Rand Paul slush fund") and purchase 3,500 helicopters to rain 100 dollar bills on all U.S. cities and suburbs. The resulting shortage of helicopter pilots, Yellen believes, should finally begin to drive up wages.

NEW REPUBLICAN SOCIAL ISSUE: Denouncing "deal with the devil" by American pet owners, Indiana Gov. Mike Pence introduces legislation to require all pets to wear pants. "Why should our precious Hoosier children have to see those disgusting body parts?" Pence asked. All the likely GOP presidential candidates immediately endorse Pence's proposal; Bobby Jindal angrily proclaims that he thought of the idea first.

ELIZABETH WARREN NAME CHANGE: In an attempt to solidify her affirmative action status, the fiery Native American reportedly will change her name to Princess Fragrant Doe Warren. In a related development, Fragrant Doe Warren announces her engagement to New York Times columnist Paul Krugman; honeymoon will be in Havana.

JOHN BOEHNER TO RESIGN: Appearing with new love interest Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker disclosed last night that he will leave Congress and join the staff of Robert Parker's "Wine Advocate," where he will become the senior Merlot critic. Boehner reportedly assured Parker that he can cut back sufficiently to take the job.

NEW JOB FOR BARACK OBAMA: In a shocking development, the President has confirmed that he will accept a position in 2017 as a nightclub greeter at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas. "I love meeting and greeting, pressing the flesh, making new BFFs, telling a few jokes. Hey -- I'm a 'people' person," Obama told stunned aides.

JOHN McCAIN DECLARES WAR ON SWITZERLAND: Outraged that Switzerland has remained neutral despite the presence of terrorists in the world, angry Sen. John McCain declared war on the Alpine nation today. "If the U.S. shows some backbone, for a change, Zurich should fall within a week," he said. Just minutes after McCain's declaration, Sen. Lindsey Graham throws a hissy fit, charging that "cowards" in the White House might prematurely stop the war once Lucerne falls.

GOP ALTERNATIVE TO OBAMACARE: Meeting at their annual spring retreat in St. Tropez, France, Republican leaders agreed on three "Guiding Principles" that could produce a GOP alternative to Obamacare by 2027. Principle One: Do not, under any circumstances, get sick. Principle Two: Tax cuts for everyone !! Principle Three: Change the subject by invading Switzerland.

TED CRUZ PROMISE: The Tea Party favorite said yesterday that if he wins the presidency, his inauguration would be held in Calgary. "It's the least I could do for my people," said Cruz in a speech to puzzled anti-Obama "birthers." Coughing and sneezing, Cruz quipped that "thankfully, I have some health insurance to fall back on."

ODDS AND ENDS: Congrats to CNN and MSNBC, which added four new viewers each in March and now have a total of 327 non-airport viewers . . . and congratulations to Bill Clinton and John McCain, co-winners of the 2015 Cialis Lifetime Achievement Award . . . Get well soon to Sen. Chuck Schumer, who broke his ankle while sprinting toward a TV camera crew that was doing a piece on Capitol Hill cherry blossoms . . . and finally, Jeb Bush tells us that he will not take the advice offered here last April 1 to change his problematic last name. "Despite the obvious advantages, I will not change my name to Jeb Yastrzemski," he insisted.
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:27 AM   #2
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and well-balanced!
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:30 AM   #3
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Was waiting for these to start rolling in!
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“They have the guns and therefore we are for peace and for reformation through the ballot. When we have the guns then it will be through the bullet.” - Saul Alinsky, quoting Lenin

“I wanted [Jimmy] Carter in and I wanted [Ford] out,” comedian Chevy Chase would later admit of his mocking Ford impersonation on "Saturday Night Live", “and I figured look, we're reaching millions of people every weekend, why not do it."
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Old 04-01-2015, 10:46 AM   #4
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THAT was hilarious!
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Old 04-01-2015, 12:10 PM   #5
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Non-airport viewers.
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Old 04-01-2015, 01:31 PM   #6
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I believe all of these and will post an outraged response to the ones I dislike shortly.
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Old 04-01-2015, 02:15 PM   #7
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^ crickets.... So can we infer that you have decided you like them all?
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Old 04-01-2015, 02:24 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Cabrio330 View Post
^ crickets.... So can we infer that you have decided you like them all?
I'm busy with other stuff.

But go ahead and hold your breath while you wait

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