Urget Help Needed - I love her

Originally Posted by Green_Shine

IMO she is breaking it off now while it's early before some major feelings are caught. She just has a different lifestyle than you, sorry bro.

I understand, but I am willing to make concessions to make this work. I mean there has to be a give & take in a relationship. I am willing to make it work under any cost.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

I understand, but I am willing to make concessions to make this work. I mean there has to be a give & take in a relationship. I am willing to make it work under any cost.

strong WK

i know its hard but avoid her for a week or so she will come looking for you and if she asks you why you have been distant you tell her because you said that we dont have a future and watch how fast she comes running

Originally Posted by m5 deamon

i know its hard but avoid her for a week or so she will come looking for you and if she asks you why you have been distant you tell her because you said that we dont have a future and watch how fast she comes running

She said she wants me to be a part of her life and that she wants to be friends. She also said that if she feels like she made a mistake she would come crawling back on her knees.

I am seeing her tomorrow and this is after our 1 week break if you will, but we were still communicating via text. She still texted me during our break that she misses me. I am lost guys and emotionally devastated. I have a business to run & my life is being sidelined by this. I can handle many things in life, but emotional stuff like this absolutely ruins me.

Originally Posted by m5 deamon

i know its hard but avoid her for a week or so she will come looking for you and if she asks you why you have been distant you tell her because you said that we dont have a future and watch how fast she comes running

Also, when I see her, should I go in strong & make out with her and try to get with her and then talk? or should I talk and leave upset? Or should I beg her to give this a fair chance? I've never begged in my life, but this is someone who is too important to me to lose.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

I understand, but I am willing to make concessions to make this work. I mean there has to be a give & take in a relationship. I am willing to make it work under any cost.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

She said she wants me to be a part of her life and that she wants to be friends. She also said that if she feels like she made a mistake she would come crawling back on her knees.

I am seeing her tomorrow and this is after our 1 week break if you will, but we were still communicating via text. She still texted me during our break that she misses me. I am lost guys and emotionally devastated. I have a business to run & my life is being sidelined by this. I can handle many things in life, but emotional stuff like this absolutely ruins me.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

Also, when I see her, should I go in strong & make out with her and try to get with her and then talk? or should I talk and leave upset? Or should I beg her to give this a fair chance? I've never begged in my life, but this is someone who is too important to me to lose.

I found your issue. You're entirely too codependent. You've suffocated this girl. Begging will only make you look weaker than she already sees you. You're not going to listen to me, but it's over and you need to walk away. She is now about to let you down slowly.

Originally Posted by CollinsE90

I found your issue. You're entirely too codependent. You've suffocated this girl. Begging will only make you look weaker than she already sees you. You're not going to listen to me, but it's over and you need to walk away. She is now about to let you down slowly.

What do you advise? We were fine together and wasn't codependent at all. Until she started acting this way, then I got more emotional and told her things. This has only been a span of a week.

Should I tell her to forget about meeting up? If so, how do I explain that?

Dude, chill out. I think it's really time to start realizing that it's over. She's been trying to tell you that in every nice way for what seems like a long time. If the religion thing is what's freaking her out, you have two options. Either get out (the right move) or conform (the wrong move) but the choice is ultimately yours. The right girl will come along before you know it and you're really going to look back at this in 6 months and realize that you freaked out for nothing.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

I understand, but I am willing to make concessions to make this work. I mean there has to be a give & take in a relationship. I am willing to make it work under any cost.

You're absolutely right that there has to be give and take in any relationship. Where's your take in this? You seem to be giving and giving without anything in return.

She's been engaged twice? Sounds like she's not ready for a committment yet in any case. Just tell her what you want in a non-suffocating way and leave. Let her make up her own mind. Believe me I've been in the same place as you twice before and I now look back and realize that I was being a total idiot. It'll work out with a different girl before you know it, don't dwell on someone who doesn't want to dwell on you.

Originally Posted by SamDoe1

Dude, chill out. I think it's really time to start realizing that it's over. She's been trying to tell you that in every nice way for what seems like a long time. If the religion thing is what's freaking her out, you have two options. Either get out (the right move) or conform (the wrong move) but the choice is ultimately yours. The right girl will come along before you know it and you're really going to look back at this in 6 months and realize that you freaked out for nothing.



You're absolutely right that there has to be give and take in any relationship. Where's your take in this? You seem to be giving and giving without anything in return.

She's been engaged twice? Sounds like she's not ready for a committment yet in any case. Just tell her what you want in a non-suffocating way and leave. Let her make up her own mind. Believe me I've been in the same place as you twice before and I now look back and realize that I was being a total idiot. It'll work out with a different girl before you know it, don't dwell on someone who doesn't want to dwell on you.

She definitely is ready for commitment, she just wants to make sure she is making the right move since the other two were disastrous, same thing happened to me; this is something we both share.

So no kissing, or trying to get in her pants, just walk in, tell her what I want, and walk out? Don't be emotional about it?

This is what I was planning on doing:

1. Walk in, kiss her passionately, sit down and start talking while holding her.
2. Tell her that I love and care for her and want to see if we could make this work and tell her to expand on the part that she doesn't see us being a right fit. I will ask her that if there is any part of her that wants to make this work. During this time I will reminisce about the good times we've had.
3. If she doesn't accept, tell her that this will be the last time she sees me and I don't believe that we can be friends or communicate further.

I know this sounds sad, but I am not sure if I can do all of this without crying.

Does this sound like a good plan? If not, please advise on what you would do. I am open to cancelling this meeting, but I would have to figure out a way to word it and communicate it via text to her.

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

So no kissing, or trying to get in her pants, just walk in, tell her what I want, and walk out? Don't be emotional about it? Do exactly this except wait for a reply before you leave.

This is what I was planning on doing:

1. Walk in yes, kiss her passionately no, hello peck would probably be fine, sit down and start talking while holding her no holding just talking.
2. Tell her that I love and care for her and want to see if we could make this work and tell her to expand on the part that she doesn't see us being a right fit. I will ask her that if there is any part of her that wants to make this work. During this time I will reminisce about the good times we've had. Only tell her how you feel and ask if she has any desire to make things work, nothing else, and do not under any circumstances try to reminisce. Otherwise you got it
3. If she doesn't accept, tell her that this will be the last time she sees me and I don't believe that we can be friends or communicate further. bingo but actually follow through with this and don't cave in.

I know this sounds sad, but I am not sure if I can do all of this without crying. Man up, crying will make things a lot worse.

Does this sound like a good plan? If not, please advise on what you would do. I am open to cancelling this meeting, but I would have to figure out a way to word it and communicate it via text to her. Don't text or cancel, do the above.

See above.

If she was ready for the committment we wouldn't be having this discussion. It's a hard thing to come to an understanding of but here we are. Sorry to be blunt but I don't like beating around the bush.

Calm and calculated wins in this situation, don't play the emotion card. It never works in the long run.

Originally Posted by SamDoe1

See above.

If she was ready for the committment we wouldn't be having this discussion. It's a hard thing to come to an understanding of but here we are. Sorry to be blunt but I don't like beating around the bush.

Calm and calculated wins in this situation, don't play the emotion card. It never works in the long run.

What if she calls or texts me later that she wants to get back, how do I handle that?

Should I tell her about the not seeing or communicating thing earlier on in the conversation too?

To be honest, I have never done anything like this before because, I really don't fall in love this easily. We've shared so many commonalities that this was an amazing match. That's why I am so nervous about this.

I understand all of the above. But between you and I, not to sound weak, but I badly want to hold her and kiss her and be like we normally were while there. I would be acting out of character if I were to just sit next to her without touching or holding.

I personally feel that if I do act without emotion it would only reinforce that this isn't going to work out to her thereby justifying her decision. What do you think?

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

What if she calls or texts me later that she wants to get back, how do I handle that? Stick with the game plan, no contact. If she decides to come back after a week, say no. If after a year or two, then re-evaluate the situation.

Should I tell her about the not seeing or communicating thing earlier on in the conversation too? Nope, only after she tells you no.

To be honest, I have never done anything like this before because, I really don't fall in love this easily. We've shared so many commonalities that this was an amazing match. That's why I am so nervous about this. Nervous is totally understandable. We're all human.

I understand all of the above. But between you and I, not to sound weak, but I badly want to hold her and kiss her and be like we normally were while there. I would be acting out of character if I were to just sit next to her without touching or holding. Out of character reinforces the seriousness of the situation. You guys are no longer "normal", be serious about this with her.

I personally feel that if I do act without emotion it would only reinforce that this isn't going to work out to her thereby justifying her decision. What do you think? That's her decision to make, not yours. You don't have to act without any emotion at all, but just be serious, direct, and to the point. Don't act all lovey dovey with this.

See above again.

There are a couple threads on this sort of thing already. I suggest you read the progress in those threads to see what the outcome is. You'll find that the same advice was given and the OP came out ahead.

You need to be prepared for the likely response of she doesn't want to work on it and be ready to act on the whole leaving and not turning back thing. Be strong and don't cave.

Originally Posted by SamDoe1

See above again.

There are a couple threads on this sort of thing already. I suggest you read the progress in those threads to see what the outcome is. You'll find that the same advice was given and the OP came out ahead.

You need to be prepared for the likely response of she doesn't want to work on it and be ready to act on the whole leaving and not turning back thing. Be strong and don't cave.

Thank you, this has helped me on how I should conduct myself.

My mind is not the normal logical self right now, what sort of questions should I be asking? I need help with this.

Here are some questions I have in mind already. Please let me know if I need to ask anything else. If this is final, I want to be sure I have all bases covered.

1. Why do you feel that deep down I am not the right fit for you?
2. Did your friends or any other third party have any part in this decision?
3. Is your insecurity causing any doubt in this relationship?
4. Is there a trust issue?
5. Is there another man in the picture who is causing you to make these decisions?
6. Since I am all about making sure you've been happy the whole time we've been together, will not being with me make you happy?
7. Do you really want to end our relationship?
8. Can our relationship issues be worked out?
9. Is your family or friends getting in the way of your true happiness?
10. Is there a lack of accepting me 100% causing a rift?
11. Do you love spending time together?
12. Are you just jumping to conclusions?
13. Will You regret ending this relationship?

To be honest, don't ask any of those questions.

Just tell her honestly how you feel in two or three sentences then tell her that you know that your relationship has been rocky for the past couple weeks and there seem to be some issues. Tell her you're willing to work on those issues if she is but you won't do it on your own then ask if she's willing. If yes, then figure out what you guys need to do to make it work. If no, tell her then you're out and proceed to not contact her at all after you leave and leave shortly.

If her answer is no, this meeting should not be any longer than 15-30mins tops.

Remember again, this is not an emotional free for all. Calm and calculated is the way to go. Take some time to figure out your game plan and stick to it. We can't tell you the exact moves to make but can help point you in the right direction.

Originally Posted by SamDoe1

To be honest, don't ask any of those questions.

Just tell her honestly how you feel in two or three sentences then tell her that you know that your relationship has been rocky for the past couple weeks and there seem to be some issues. Tell her you're willing to work on those issues if she is but you won't do it on your own then ask if she's willing. If yes, then figure out what you guys need to do to make it work. If no, tell her then you're out and proceed to not contact her at all after you leave and leave shortly.

If her answer is no, this meeting should not be any longer than 15-30mins tops.

Remember again, this is not an emotional free for all. Calm and calculated is the way to go. Take some time to figure out your game plan and stick to it. We can't tell you the exact moves to make but can help point you in the right direction.

I wrote a letter to her prior to this as part of a larger plan which basically got ruined by her feeling this way. Should I still give her this letter? Its basically a love letter. She got part of the package, there were flowers sent to her work (wasn't able to cancel it) on Monday as a small anniversary thing, but the letter was supposed to go with it instead of a short note.

One big part of this story I forgot to mention, her uncle died while we were together (was in bed next to her when the call came in), I helped her through this and advised on how to help her mom (mom's brother died). She basically said that I did more for her during that time than any of her friends or family.

Perhaps this is a part of some sort of post partum thing?

it seems to me like you let your guard down too fast. playing the role of the nice guy can result with you in the friend zone.

dont give her the letter

Originally Posted by emgee

dont give her the letter

What should I do with it? Should I even bring it up?

Originally Posted by redtoesblue

What should I do with it? Should I even bring it up?

You can do anything you want with it as long as it involves not giving it to her.

Don't bring it up. Stick to the game plan. Nothing else.

Originally Posted by SamDoe1

You can do anything you want with it as long as it involves not giving it to her.

Don't bring it up. Stick to the game plan. Nothing else.

I understand, but I have this feeling like I just want to unload everything I had planned for her, just so she knows. I am not sure if this makes any sense. This letter being one of them.