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Old 07-05-2013, 04:53 PM   #1
M3Inline6
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I hate to admit this, but....

....I'm dealing with some insecurity issues. For those who frequent this forum, but are also active in the "H&F forum", you're already aware of the separation from my girlfriend of 5 years in December 2012. That was a horrible ordeal, and I'm glad that I'm emotionally okay with that situation.


Fast forward to now.....


.....I met a girl at the gym a couple of months ago who really seems to be an ideal match for me. Initially I didn't have any plans on pursuing anything serious with her, but as we began to spend more time, I realized that there was a "diamond beneath the coal" (..yes, I realize that diamonds don't come from coal, nor is she the aesthetic equivalent of a piece of coal, it was just the best analogy that I could think of.........but I digress). As things have progressed into the sexual realm with us, I have grown a bit more attached to her as time has passed. Attached enough that I now feel uncomfortable in situations that wouldn't be conducive to a relationship, and I truly take her into consideration when I make certain decisions despite the fact that we aren't an official couple. I am generally guarded around women/people in general (..a major issue in my prior relationship), but I find myself wanting to be open and emotionally available with this girl. Generally we spend a lot of time together (..and up until my recent move - which is further away from where she lives - she'd stay multiple nights with me during the week and she was with me most of the time on the weekends), but the last couple of weeks I haven't seen her as much, and it's getting to me. I also feel like I always have to be the assertive person in this "partnership" (...we are not officially a couple). Additionally, I was a bit perturbed last weekend because I felt like she was inconsiderate. She stayed the night Friday, and went out with her girls on Saturday night. On Sunday I didn't hear from her at all so I decided to text her. A quick Instagram check led to the discovery of the fact that she was at one of those dumb ass hotel pool party events. I shot her a text, but got no response.......yet, pictures and video continued to pop up on Instagram and she had responded to a few comments. Being an alpha of the highest kind ( ), I immediately became irritated and generally displeased with her behavior.

The following day I didn't hear from her again (...she'll usually text me in the morning), so I sent her the equivalent of a "WTF?" text, only diplomatically worded. She responded in a jovial fashion, and when I questioned her about not responding to me, she claimed that she did. Now, do I completely believe that? Ehhhh, I'm 50/50! Sometimes I don't get text messages, but that's rare. So fine, I chalked it up to a lost text message and moved on. We planned to workout later that day after my shift, so I decided that I was going to address her about some of my concerns during our workout. I did just that, but I felt like trying to extract information from her is like trying to draw blood from a turnip. I wanted affirmation about how she felt, and I wanted reassurance that she didn't feel like she needed space. She retorted, "Where is this coming from? I was with you Friday night, the weekend before that, most of the week before that, the weekend before that........ad infinitum!" Hell, she had a better recount of how much time she had spent with me than I did.

We had a mini-tiff in the weight room while leg pressing, but squashed it by the time the workout was over. We spent 30 minutes chatting/clarifying things in the gym parking lot, kissed & made up, then went on our merry way. With that being said, I still feel a bit unsure/insecure. Up until the annoying issue this past Sunday, she has never really given me any reason to question or suspect anything. She was available much of the time, and she's a really easy person to be around (...and she's low maintenance). I have probed a bit about the existence of other guys, and she claims not to be dating/hanging out with anybody else. I asked her what she thought about a more serious relationship, and she was visibly shocked/caught off guard. She has admitted to me that she doesn't think that I'm over my ex (...Why? I'm not sure, but I'm honestly not holding onto any residual feelings since the break-up), and that she hopes that I'm not leading her on. I've assured her that I'm totally present in what we have, but I'm not sure that she completely believes me. I accused her of being guarded during our mini-tiff, and I believe that it struck a nerve along with my "You're hopeless!" utterance with regards to my inability to get a read on her/extract any emotional assurances (..aside from the "I've missed you!" during sex or exclamations about the fact that she thinks I'll leave, and she doesn't want to scare me off, especially when the subject of meeting her mother comes up; she calls her mom crazy, and when pressed about it during our mini-tiff, her response was, "It's something that I don't really like to talk about much. When I feel that the time is right I'll tell you, but until then I don't really want to talk about it." I responded, "Fair enough!", but the whole issue just really intrigues me). She threw that in my face about 4 times after I uttered it.


Overall, I guess I'm just looking for some perspective. Am I being a bit hyper-sensitive about the recent decrease in time spent and the momentary lapse in communication? I suppose that these insecurities are revealed when I truly start investing in someone, and because I rarely invest emotionally in women, I haven't had to deal with it. I'm just really big on consistency, and I'm one of those types of guys that requires lots of time spent and affection (..physical touch and quality time are my primary love languages). Sorry for the long-winded thread, but I just needed some 3rd party perspective. I sent her flowers today just because, so hopefully she'll appreciate them. I'll probably edit this thread as I remember more specifics, so bear with me.

edit: Flowers have reached the destination. Applause!
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Dude, you are massively gay for Capoeira. Yes I know this has been well established for quite some time.
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Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
While not big, I bet it's firm and can grind the sh1t out of a crank.

Last edited by M3Inline6; 07-05-2013 at 06:00 PM. Reason: Auto-save 1373065214
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Old 07-06-2013, 11:36 AM   #2
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I hate to admit this, but....

You sound a little overly-emotional and maybe it has something to do with your split a while back.

It honestly doesn't sound like things are going bad... I could tell you to stop over-thinking things, but it is tough to just shut your brain off. You just need to understand that your brain is in protect mode due to previous relationships... What is in the past though does not have to control your actions in the present.... Be present with this girl (you even mentioned it in your post).


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Old 07-06-2013, 12:11 PM   #3
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You need a Valium, a joint and a shot of Jack Daniels.... DAYUM... You are almost as bad as some women I have known. You seem to want to read something into everything and question everything!

RELAX - CHILL

You should open up to more women and get comfortable with that! Try to go on a few dates with others. Be a male whore!

I don't know you but it does sound like you aren't even close to being over your last GF... I know that takes A LONG TIME!

Now... Open up and take your Valium... Roll that fatty and take your snort!
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Old 07-06-2013, 01:35 PM   #4
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Women DO NOT want a needy man, especially at the beginning, and you already questioning her comes off as needy. I think you miss what you had with your ex as far as a relationship/companion and you're rushing to get back to there. Single women with any type of brains and confidence are like turkeys, you have to be quiet and let them come to you so to speak. Women read men emotionally to see what they're thinking, so expressing emotions gives them an easy book. Never show any emotion until you've both crossed that emotional barrier of dating, and then start to add real emotion.

If I were you right now, I would pull back and tell the girl you need some space. It's the opposite of what both of you want right now, and it will flip the script and she'll wonder. Men can have wants and emotion, just can't show it. I'd say 6 months in is when you can start to express yourself. Until then, you're "dating ," not in a relationship.
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Old 07-06-2013, 01:59 PM   #5
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thanks for this thread, makes a lot more sense now to me.
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Old 07-06-2013, 04:27 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by CMT247 View Post
You sound a little overly-emotional and maybe it has something to do with your split a while back.

It honestly doesn't sound like things are going bad... I could tell you to stop over-thinking things, but it is tough to just shut your brain off. You just need to understand that your brain is in protect mode due to previous relationships... What is in the past though does not have to control your actions in the present.... Be present with this girl (you even mentioned it in your post).


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You're probably right, and thanks for the insight!


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You need a Valium, a joint and a shot of Jack Daniels.... DAYUM... You are almost as bad as some women I have known. You seem to want to read something into everything and question everything!

RELAX - CHILL

You should open up to more women and get comfortable with that! Try to go on a few dates with others. Be a male whore!

I don't know you but it does sound like you aren't even close to being over your last GF... I know that takes A LONG TIME!

Now... Open up and take your Valium... Roll that fatty and take your snort!
Thanks for your insight Big Rick. I feel that I need to clarify something. I'm not reading into everything. What I'm picking up on are behaviors/changes that aren't typical or indicative of her personality. That's all!

Male-whorism! Ahhhh, my favorite! I know you're not familiar with me Rick, but male-whorism is my specialty. My exploits and adventures have been well documented (..with photo proof) under various pseudonyms ever since the Golden Days of E46Fanatics. Being a man-wh0re is easy, especially since it doesn't require me to be emotional about anything at all. In fact, I was man-whoring it up until I met this chick (..and I came into it with a short term "kick it & split" mentality, hence my statement about me having no intention on pursuing her seriously initially), but with her being around so much, I shifted gears. As for being over the ex, yeah....that's over. The downturn of that relationship began at least 2 years prior to the break-up. Had it been abrupt and/or unexpected, I would agree with you 100%.

P.S. I can't roll a fatty. I'd have to arrest myself.



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"I think you miss what you had with your ex as far as a relationship/companion and you're rushing to get back to there."

Single women with any type of brains and confidence are like turkeys, you have to be quiet and let them come to you so to speak. Women read men emotionally to see what they're thinking, so expressing emotions gives them an easy book. Never show any emotion until you've both crossed that emotional barrier of dating, and then start to add real emotion.

If I were you right now, I would pull back and tell the girl you need some space. It's the opposite of what both of you want right now, and it will flip the script and she'll wonder. Men can have wants and emotion, just can't show it. I'd say 6 months in is when you can start to express yourself. Until then, you're "dating ," not in a relationship.
Hey Collins. Thanks for the response. I'll clam it up!
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Sou Instrutor de Capoeira ate' morrer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
Dude, you are massively gay for Capoeira. Yes I know this has been well established for quite some time.
Quote:
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While not big, I bet it's firm and can grind the sh1t out of a crank.

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Old 07-06-2013, 04:48 PM   #7
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The best way I can explain my earlier statement is for you to flip the scenario. What if you met a girl that you were attracted to, and within days she's asking why you haven't answered her texts in a timely manner, or why you didn't call every 30 minutes when you were having dinner and drinks with friends? You would instantly get turned off and look for a more independent calm girl, unless you're one of those that don't meet many girls and like the attention, but I don't gather that from you in your posts. Same goes for girls with needy guys (even if it's just perceived need), and everyone moves at a different pace with relationships, so you have to be grounded and relaxed until you feel the mutual emotion. It's a game of mental chess, mixed with Texas Hold'em. Once that barrier breaks, it's smooth sailing after that.

Show interest without showing emotion has always worked best for me.
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Old 07-06-2013, 06:05 PM   #8
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I hate to admit this, but....

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The best way I can explain my earlier statement is for you to flip the scenario. What if you met a girl that you were attracted to, and within days she's asking why you haven't answered her texts in a timely manner, or why you didn't call every 30 minutes when you were having dinner and drinks with friends? You would instantly get turned off and look for a more independent calm girl, unless you're one of those that don't meet many girls and like the attention, but I don't gather that from you in your posts. Same goes for girls with needy guys (even if it's just perceived need), and everyone moves at a different pace with relationships, so you have to be grounded and relaxed until you feel the mutual emotion. It's a game of mental chess, mixed with Texas Hold'em. Once that barrier breaks, it's smooth sailing after that.

Show interest without showing emotion has always worked best for me.
Very well stated bro! I'm not usually like this at all, that's why I had to vent in the LL forum. I'll just dig into my work (..very easy to do in my line of work ), and let it ride.


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Sou Instrutor de Capoeira ate' morrer.

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Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
Dude, you are massively gay for Capoeira. Yes I know this has been well established for quite some time.
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While not big, I bet it's firm and can grind the sh1t out of a crank.
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Old 07-06-2013, 09:09 PM   #9
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Go give someone a wood shampoo and get this out of your system!

j/k
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Old 07-06-2013, 09:54 PM   #10
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Go give someone a wood shampoo and get this out of your system!

j/k
Tempting, veryyyyyy tempting!


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Sou Instrutor de Capoeira ate' morrer.

Quote:
Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
Dude, you are massively gay for Capoeira. Yes I know this has been well established for quite some time.
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Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
While not big, I bet it's firm and can grind the sh1t out of a crank.
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Old 07-06-2013, 09:54 PM   #11
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The more time you spend with someone, the more invested you become in that someone, the more invested you become the more attached you become. Attraction is a form of attachment though not exclusively. Ask yourself why do you 'want' to be with her (and I'm assuming you want a relationship), it's easy to subconsciously rationalize reasons once one becomes invested, and again merely being around her can provide a catalyst towards such. Obviously you've invested in other ways as well (physically, emotionally, effort, time, money, etc.), this should further lead you to question yourself as to why. Is there an actual reason you're investing in her over other women or is it simply a matter of convenience, maybe she'd make a better friend than lover, etc.

Either way, remember that internal happiness trumps external, external by it's natural is inconsistent and dependent upon the circumstances that govern it, requiring constant effort to maintain can cause undue stress. Point is to be happy, this woman you're interested in should be an extension towards that, your base should be there, perhap already is. How would you feel if things didn't work out; if they did? There are many tricks and methods but really ask yourself if it's worth it.

People (this includes women) want to be around happiness, it's a vibe and you can use it to attract others towards you. Stop focusing on the game so much and just be happy, the other stuff will follow. Fun and playful is and will ALWAYS be more effective then being deep, serious, and what have you when it comes to attracting women and people in general. Life is beautify man, smile and enjoy it, things are never as serious as you think they are.
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Old 07-07-2013, 01:51 AM   #12
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What ever happened to suggesting PIITB to gauge her dedication? This forum has seriously gone downhill.

For reals though, just pull back a little since you're being a bit overbearing. And like CRS said - focus on making yourself happy and having fun - if she's meant for you, she'll naturally fit into your life. If she's just there as a pet for your [damaged?] ego, you will have to move on. That is some great insight.
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Old 07-07-2013, 02:02 AM   #13
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What ever happened to suggesting PIITB to gauge her dedication? This forum has seriously gone downhill.
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Old 07-07-2013, 03:08 AM   #14
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I hate to admit this, but....

Honestly fellas, thanks for reigning me in. I'm sure it'll take me a few days to digest the advice offered and reevaluate my actions, but I'll get there.


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Sou Instrutor de Capoeira ate' morrer.

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Originally Posted by unionjack View Post
Dude, you are massively gay for Capoeira. Yes I know this has been well established for quite some time.
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While not big, I bet it's firm and can grind the sh1t out of a crank.
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Old 07-07-2013, 07:21 AM   #15
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man I really thought that I was the only one that would trip like that. I was actually in a relationship similar to your dating thing you had going. it started to become too sketchy so I broke up with her. it was then when she wanted me more and missed me and returned calls and etc.

actually now would be a great time to back off and show higher value. so you back off, no matter how much you like this girl and her mind will start wondering too. keep your options open to prevent from getting hurt but not more than two. that's too much work especially in your line of work. gotta keep stress free man. you start to appear more busy, then more distant. she'll want you more and you will give her more when she wants it when.. youre free.... then she will be the one asking you to commit. if she doesn't and she responds negatively to it and just disappears, then she wasn't worth your time especially in your semi vulnerable state.

do all this without doing it on purpose. what im trying to say is. live your life for you, and not for her, once you are satisfied is when she will come. pun both intended and not intended.


edit: im dating a girl right now who is pretty bad at texting. she is known for being that way, and I went through a small thing like you did where I see her on instagram but she couldn't respond to a text. so what did I do? I went out and had fun. forgot about how upset I was with her and etc. I never sent her a WTF text or anything I just disappeared. well guess who happens to be good at texting now? it's a dumb game but w/e





























now piitb
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:10 PM   #16
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Eu nao sou viado mas vc e muito lindo. sua ex enamorada pode vai a cagar. e agora vc tem que fazer sex!!! nao tem que fazer enamorado!
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:21 PM   #17
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Eu nao sou viado mas vc e muito lindo. sua ex enamorada pode vai a cagar. e agora vc tem que fazer sex!!! nao tem que fazer enamorado!
to falando em Português porque nao quero que o resto fique sabendo. eu também me separei da minha namorada recentemente. Ando pensando em fazer coisas com outras meninas, mais cara, não tem como.

Se eu você cara, daria uma acalmada e me focaria nas coisas que sao importantes. Talvez essa menina nova não sabe que voce quer uma coisa mais séria? Já pensou em falar para ela?
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:31 PM   #18
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Eu tambem tenho problemas com minha enamorada... estou muito mal... estou em ruim. eu nao posso pensar em nada mas dela. nao posso dormir... nao posso respirar. estou com ela mais que um ano. agora ela esta no italia e nao regresa ate o fin de julio. filho da puta. ela nao quer fala com migo e eu no posso fazer MIERDA.

eu faz todo para esta brasileira ingrata. eu nao sei que vai pasar eu nao quero pensar em isso.

mas eu sinto para vcs... boa sorte.
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:33 PM   #19
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situacao chata cara. ela deve estar com o pensamento que talvez se ela falar com voce vai sentir muita falta tua e nao vai poder aproveitar a viagem para italia?

sei la.

boa sorte para a gente haha.
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Old 07-07-2013, 06:42 PM   #20
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isso e que eu penso, ela nao quer que eu anda sabiendo de suas acaos de garota de programa. mas ela tem que falar VERDADE... isso e todo que eu peco. sim ela quer a otro o ela quer sair todos os noites ela tem que ser sincera. eu nao faz nada com minha vida mas guardar dineiro para nosotros e ela esta viajando por todo caralho mundo. mas agora ela quer vai para brasil por copa mundial sim or com minha companhia... nimporta para ela.

eu nacio e eu mora no estadios unidos mas eu tenho coracao latino americano. eu quer a esta menina por o resto de minha vida. mas ela que fazer todo sim mim. eu nao gosto de isso.

eu so argentino mas eu andei para aulas de portugues para falar com familia dela e muitas otras cosas para ela e todo vais sim agradecimento. CASETE
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